No, I will NEVER be "over" it!

Another Broken Heart

2008-04-17T13:02:00.002-05:00

In case anyone is still reading this, please keep Molly's/ family in your prayers.

Happy 1st Birthday Lauren!!

2008-02-05T08:21:00.000-05:00

I can't believe how fast the last year has gone by and how much you changed. I love you with all of my heart. Happy birthday sweet girl!

Sick

2008-01-30T16:13:00.000-05:00

Both kids have their first ever ear infections. Fun stuff. Oh and we only found this out after sitting in Urgent Care for 6 hours on Monday. I have yet to figure out what the point of having a pediatrician is if you can't get your kids in to see them when they are sick. So now both kids are on antibiotics, and seem to be feeling a bit better. Of course it seems like I picked up something in that nasty UC waiting room, because now I am fighting getting sick. Good times.

On a roll now

2008-01-25T20:54:00.001-05:00

2 posts in a month! (assuming this one actually gets posted)

Things have been hectic here lately. My pc died so I have lost all of my links, etc, and I am stuck with dh's laptop, which is not the greatest thing in the world. Dh has taken the hard drive to work, etc, and even when it was supposedly fixed, it was not. And now it's sitting here like a giant paperweight, I guess waiting on me to decide what to do with it.

Anyway, Evan started school. We (ok, there is no "we", it was "I") started to get a bit worried about waiting it out and trying to get Evan into a spot in public 4-K, so I decided to ask our playgroup if they knew of any good 4-K's here. I got a few recommendations and I decided to call and find out tuition costs, etc. Well one of the schools I called asked me if I wanted to be on their waiting list for the 3 year old class and I said yes, totally not thinking anything else about it. I got a call about a week later that there was a spot for Evan. I wasn't planning on putting him in school until fall, but this just sounded too perfect. It's 2 days a week, 3 hours a day, so a nice slow transition to school for a kid who has NEVER been left anywhere (except when L was born and then he was at our house with my mom). He started school Thursday and he loved it. He didn't need me to stay with him at all, and his teacher said he did great. I did ok myself. I thought for sure I would have a much harder time with it all, but really it wasn't so bad. I did have a talk with the director of the preschool about Caleb. I told her that if for some reason he were to say he has a brother, I do NOT want anyone telling him he doesn't. Not that Evan EVER talks about Caleb, but I felt like I needed to tell her about him anyway.

And so we have made it through yet another huge milestone........

Five Years

2008-01-05T08:35:00.000-05:00

You would be 5 years old today. Five. Years. Old. It's absolutely unimaginable. I try to think of what you might be like, and I can't. I didn't get to see your eyes. I didn't get to see your smile, or hear your cry. You feel so far away at this point. Not a day has gone by where I havne't thought of you. My heart was shattered the day you left, and has never completely healed. My arms still ache to hold you.
I look at your brother and sister, and I see how completely opposite they are from each other, and I can't help but wonder how you would have fit in. You and Evan would have been so close in age (but I still think we would have him, even if you had lived) and it makes me wonder if you would be fighting like cats and dogs, or if you would be closer because of it. For some reason I imagine you would be calmer and more laid back than Evan. I picture you with light blonde hair and intense blue eyes just like Lauren and Evan have. I wonder how different our life would be if you were still here.
It is so hard to believe you have been gone for some long. I remember in those first days not knowing how I was going to live a week, or a month, and eventually a year without you here. I didn't know what I was supposed to do with myself. I had a child, but the only way I could take care of him was by making sure his memorial stone in the cemetary was clean. I have your brother and sister now to take care of, and they truely make me happy, but I am reminded of you with every thing they do. You are never forgotten, and always very much loved.
I wish you were here today to open presents and blow out candles. I wish I could take pictures of your smiling face. I miss you with all of my heart. Happy 5th Birthday Caleb. I love you.

Yet another holiday without him

2007-10-31T13:44:00.001-05:00

It never changes. I still miss him. I still ache to have him here. I will smile, and I will be genuinely happy while I take Evan (and Lauren since dh is working nights) out tonite, but it's all bittersweet. On the way to get the candy bowl out of my van, there was a penny on the ground. Thank you Caleb, I needed that.

And the countdown is on. Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas. And his 5th birthday. ::sigh::

October 15th

2007-10-15T10:09:00.001-05:00

Quick update

2007-08-27T20:02:00.000-05:00

I have no excuses for not posting, so I am not even going to try to make one up. Here's a quick update though, just in case I have some readers left.

Dh is now DONE with shore duty. He is checking out of his command this week, and then he has a month on leave. Then starting in October, he goes to school (for the Navy). He reports to his ship on December 26th. I am torn. I am glad that he is done with his current command because he HATED it there. The schedule was HELL. I am thrilled he will be working a NORMAL schedule now, but he will be on a ship, which means deployments. I am so not looking forward to that, especially not with 2 small kids. But if I managed to survive the deployment in 2003 (dh was deployed for 6 months the day after Caleb's funeral), I can survive any other deployment. Luckily the ship he is going to is deployed right now, so chances are, he won't be going anywhere any time soon.
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We are moving to a new apartment this weekend. I have absolutely nothing packed. I tried to pack, and Evan wouldn't leave the stuff alone, and was climbing in the boxes, etc, so I gave up. Luckily we are staying in the same apartment complex and just getting a bigger apartment, so we don't really have to pack all that well. We are just moving one courtyard over. I can't WAIT.

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Lauren had her 6 month appointment last week. We got there, and we are always on time, but the second you get there, they call you back to get vitals. I never have Lauren undressed (they want you to strip them down to a diaper in the waiting room, you don't get to wait in an exam room and the dr comes to you like most places) so I automatically feel rushed. Then Evan is talking to EVERYONE, and getting in other babies faces, and not listening to me AT ALL. I finally took Lauren out of the stroller so I could put Evan in. Oh and he had to pee as soon as we got there and the FIRST thing he does in the bathroom is say "What's this" as he reaches up and pulls the emergency cord!! So he sets the alarm off and nurses come running from all directions. I wanted to DIE. Of course then we go back out to the waiting room and goes on and on about how he pulled the string and it made bells ring. So I totally forgot how much Lauren weighed, and how long she was by this point and had to ask the dr to tell me again. She is 15lbs, 2oz, and 26 inches long. She has fallen from the 50% to 25% so now her dr wants to increase her dose of Pravacid just in case her reflux is causing her to not gain enough. What I am wondering though is most 6 month olds are eating solids and have been for awhile, so it seems like that could be past of the cause of her being so small? I don't know. Anyway, we will increase her dose of Prevacid, and go back in a month to see how she is doing. Oh and she had 2 shots and the rotovirus vaccine, and she didn't care about the shots at all. She cried when we held her down, but that was it. So now I am stressed as hell, and feel like I should be force feeding her. I get all panicky when she doesn't want to eat. She's doing well, and she IS growing, but I just have that doubt there now. I guess we will see what happens when we go back for her follow up.

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Evan's behaviour has gotten horrible lately. I dont know what is going on, but he has decided now that if something is wrong, he will cry. He keeps saying he's a baby. I know it's a jealousy thing, but it just seems weird that he should regress like this 6 months after Lauren was born? I'm trying to make sure we have extra one on one time, and I hold him as much as he will let me. He still adores Lauren though, and still loves to kiss and her and hug her.

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We have finally joined a church. We started going a few months ago, but with dh's schedule, we missed several sundays. Evan loves it, and loves going to class. The congregation is very welcoming, and we feel at home there. I still have alot of issues with God, and my faith needs ALOT of work, but I want my kids to be raised in the church, so we are going.

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And for your viewing pleasure................. (just because it's hilarious and so so scary at the same time)

Attached or Detached?

2007-07-25T20:17:00.000-05:00

I noticed a few days ago that the kids had different earlobes. (Yes, it's probably weird, I know) Evan's are attached, and Lauren's are detached. I couldn't remember how dh's were, but mine are detached. Well, when I finally thought if it with dh around to check, I realized he has attached earlobes. I thought it was really interesting how one of the kids took after me, and one took after him. Then he mentioned it. "I wonder how Caleb's were."
The thing is, I can't remember. And you can't tell in any of the pictures. They put a hat on him when he was born, and pretty much kept one on him beacuse "it looked better that way" (someone told us to try to pick an outfit with a hat to bury him in because they look better in hats. The funeral director maybe?). There is one picture of him with no hat on, and it looks like his earlobes are probably attached, but you can't be certain. I just hate that we didn't know to look for little things like that. We didn't think to memorize his entire body, head to toe to make future comparisons, and we had no one to tell us we needed to. I wish we had had more guidence in the whole situation. It seemed like everyone was afraid to suggest things to us, and we NEEDED it at that point. But how do you get a lifetime of memories in a matter of hours? How do you prepare to never see someone again? How do you not miss out on a little detail? I never imagined something as small as earlobes would turn out to be so important.

On Anger

2007-07-23T20:30:00.000-05:00

Recent posts over at Everything Is Under Control got me thinking about anger. Actually, it's something I had been thinking of anyway, but I finally decided to blog about it. The truth is, I still have anger. And LOTS of it. I have realized that I can't deal with pregnant women. I had my annual not too long ago, and when I pulled into the parking lot at the ob/gyn's office there was a very pg woman getting into her Suburban with her ENTIRE family (the grandparents and all). The thing is, I hated that woman. Yes, I know, I DON'T know what she has been through. She could have a "history" and it could have taken her years of ttc to finally get to be pg. I am WELL aware of that. We all know loss happens with shocking frequency, and infertility is a very real issue for so many people, but it's hard to sit in ob waiting rooms and listen to the conversations, and the optimistic conversations. The fluffy pregnancy talk STILL infuriates me, even with 2 successful subsequent pregnancies.
One of the guys dh works with is about to have his first child (his wife is due on the 27th) and eventhough I have never met him, I HATE him. I hate that him and his wife get the end of pregnancy excitement and anticipation. I hate that chances are, they aren't thinking of their baby dying at any moment. I hate that they aren't terrified. And I hate myself for hating them.
I don't want to be this bitter. It's not something I can just stop doing. I don't want any of these people to lose a baby. It's not that, but I don't want to be alone. I don't want to be the only person who was completely blindsided by my perfectly healthy, full term baby dying. I KNOW I am not alone when I think rationally, but none of this is rational at all.
So, yeah, I would say I am still angry. Even 4 and a half years later.

He's my best boy

2007-07-22T14:31:00.000-05:00

Lately Evan has started climbing up into my lap, and saying to me "Mommy, am I your best boy?" (I have NO idea where he got this from) I, of course tell him he is, and then my heart just aches.
What else am I supposed to say to a 3 year old? At the same time, I feel like I am cheating Caleb. I have 2 boys, so telling one he is the best just doesn't seem right. I am tired of everything being so complicated. Why can't an innocent question just be what it is? I will never stop hating this.

He's such a big boy!

2007-07-19T08:33:00.000-05:00

Evan had his first dentist appointment (after battling to get his insurance straightened out). We went to one of the kid's clinic places they have up here. They had a playground in the waiting room, etc. I got there, and the receptionist tells me that parents aren't allowed in the back. It was all I could do not to panic, and leave right then. She told me that they come out to the waiting room and get the child instead of the parent taking the child back, and then leaving them. It makes sence, but I wasn't sure how Evan would react to the whole thing since he is ALWAYS with me. They came to get him, and they took him to a big open room with about 8 dentist chairs, and they took me to the observation window. She told me that he would be in the main room, but if he started to get upset and cry, and they couldn't calm him down, they would take him to a room in the back, and I would still not be able to go with him. She asked me if I wanted them to do that, or if I wanted them to just give up and bring him back to me if he got upset. I told them to basically wait and see what happens. I just can't shake the thoughts of them doing horrible things to my son in some back room, and me not being there for him. The whole thing terrified me. She took him back and got him into a chair, and he did GREAT. He was so brave, and didn't cry at all. He got a little annoyed with her at the end of the cleaning and started trying to push her hand out of his mouth, but other than that, he handled the whole thing so well! He had no cavities and everything looked good, so we go back in 6 months.

On the way out, there was a penny on the floor in the waiting room. Then when we got to the van, a dragonfly landed on my mirror and just sat there. Thanks Caleb. I needed that.

Name that tree

2007-07-15T16:35:00.000-05:00

I saw this tree for the first time when we moved to VA 2 years ago. It's the tree I want to plant for Caleb when we eventually have a house of our own again. The problem is, I have NO clue what it is. Any ideas?

2007-07-13T19:44:00.001-05:00

God I feel old!

Random thoughts

2007-07-12T18:52:00.000-05:00

I feel like a horrible mother. We took Evan to the pool today. He has totally lost ALL fear of the water, and he spent 2 hours there. He was coated head to toe in sunscreen, and still, his back is fried. Poor kiddo. It doesn't seem to be bothering him yet, but I still feel horrible for letting him get burnt. (I am burnt too, but luckily Lauren isn't.)

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I STILL dont have my van back. It was supposed to be a 4 day repair. I brought it in on July 2nd. Hmm, you do the math. Their excuse? They have had to order *5* bumpers, because each bumper they get in is all scratched up. Not so sure I believe it. Oh and dh works over the weekend, so I am stuck at home with no car, AGAIN.

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I drove by a cemetary the other day when I was dropping off the stroller we originally bought for Caleb at a consignment shop. My heart ached so much it surprised me. I wish Caleb's grave was closer. I miss being able to go. :sigh:

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Lauren is developing the greatest personality! She is so smiley and happy all of the time. It's amazing how reflux meds change things. Now if she would just SLEEP occasionally, things would be great.

5 Months old

2007-07-05T20:57:00.001-05:00

Never stops hurting

2007-06-29T14:29:00.000-05:00

In the check out line at Wal.Mart earlier:

Cashier: (looking at Evan) "Is he your only child?"

Me: "No, I have a 4 month old at home." (I continue trying to put my bags back into the cart)

Cashier: "Aww a little one! Boy or girl?"

Me: "Girl." (keeping my answer short)

Cashier: "Well that's perfect. A boy and a girl, you don't need anymore."

Yeah, perfect.

Time to catch up

2007-06-23T18:24:00.001-05:00

Assuming I still have a reader or 2 out there. I didn't really mean to be MIA without letting anyone know, but I went on an unplanned trip to WV with my mom, dad, neice and nephews. Dh ended up staying home because he had to go back to work. My parents had been here a week, then they decided to go up to WV to visit both of my Grandma's graves, and just basically visit some of the places they used to live, etc. I decided I wanted to go since I hadn't been back in YEARS. (I was born in WV, and my Grandparents still lived there for a long time after we moved.) While we were up there, we decided to make a trip to Cass railroad so Evan could go on a train ride. We rented a little house in the "town" of Cass (it was bought by the state and is actually a replica of the original turn of the century town.) The kids had a great time. The night we stayed in the house, we had deer and bunnies in the back yard. The kids chased them, and then later they caught fireflies.
Yesterday we had the actual train ride. Evan LOVED the train. We went up the mountain and some insanely steep grade for a train, and spent 45 minutes in one of the remnants of a logging camp. The ride back was insanely noisy, so Lauren was NOT happy about it at all. The breaks pretty much squealed non-stop, and all she really wanted to do was SLEEP.
We spent a little time when we got back exploring the museum, and gift shops, and dealing with Evan screaming that he had to get back on his train. By that point, we were all starving, so we headed to the nearest town (an hour and a half away) to get food. On the way back, on the curvy mountain roads, I hit a deer. Everyone was fine (I had Lauren, Evan and my 11 year old neice in the van with me) and the van was still driveable (thank God). My front bumper is smashed in in the driver's side, and my hood is all dented, and there is some damage to my headlight, but it still works. The poor deer did not die right away, so we had to watch her jump all over the road, and then lay writhing in pain. I don't think the kids really saw much of that, (I know Evan didn't) but I am just heartbroken about it. I couldn't do anything to help her, and it was pretty obvious she had babies somewhere. There was just no way I could have avoided hitting her.
Anyway, we are home safely now. I will try to get back here to upload some pics of the train ride, but not sure how long that will take me. I had mountains of laundry, and a 3 year old who is heartbroken that his Grandma left. Hopefully I will have time to get caught up on blogs tonite.

Totally Floored

2007-06-01T11:59:00.000-05:00

I was playing around on myspace again and came across another old friend. We had several classes together in highschool, and usually we sat next to each other and got into trouble for talking. Alot. Well, K. added me to her friends, and I went to check out her site. I was absolutely FLOORED to read her about me section. She is the mother of 3 boys. A 6 year old, a 1 year old, and her son, Jonah, in heaven. Another baby in heaven. And this time, I KNOW the mom. And I knew her BEFORE her "new life" began.
I "know" so many people who have lost babies. Far too many. But honestly, most of them are online friends. And I met these online friends because of the babies they lost. I never knew them "before".
I know how common this is, but it's so hard for me to grasp that this person has gone through this too. I have only emailed her once, to tell her about Caleb, and she has emailed me once to tell me a little about Jonah. She had an abruption at full term. I wonder if she had her baby at the same hospital we had Caleb. I wonder who her dr was. I just hate this so much for her.

FINALLY!!

2007-05-28T11:45:00.000-05:00

Evan has been diaper free for 3 days now!!! He has done an amazing job, with no accidents at all yesterday, and none so far today. He's still in pull-ups for naps, and overnight, but no more diapers! Where did my baby go???

2007-05-26T07:09:00.001-05:00

The homecoming for J's dh went well. I managed to hold it together. There were several times I THOUGHT I was going to lose it, but with taking care of the kids, it was pretty easy to distract myself. And of course, missing all of the "new mommies" helped too. (They call the new mommies to go to the ship first). THAT would have KILLED me. Anyway, I survived, and the day actually wasn't that bad. I just wish that Evan had had a chance to go onto the ship, but J's dh wanted to get out of there as fast as possible (do you blame him?) and since my dh wasn't there, I had no one to watch Lauren anyway so we will just go on a ship another day. Evan was just as excited about seeing all of the cranes on base anyway.

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After reading this article, I made the mistake of reading some of the comments. I KNEW better. And I knew there was going to be plenty of horrible ones. So why does it still piss me off so much? It just makes me SICK that something so simple can be turned into some political bullshit. Its not a ploy to try to change abortion laws. Why does it have to be turned into that? I don't get why it's so much to ask for a damn piece of PAPER. All I want is recognition that my PERFECT, healthy, VIABLE, full term baby EXISTED. I dont want money, I don't want a tax break, or anything else. I just want him to be recognized as a person. Doesn't he deserve that? The whole issue is so simple. The whole thing just makes me sick.

2003 Homecoming

2007-05-22T12:25:00.000-05:00

Just for you Kate!

When we first saw each other. He hadn't even had a chance to give me the flowers. And my friend C. claims I almost threw her off the side of the ship. Umm oh, and I ran over my neice and nephew to get to dh......

Yes, this is a tv camera. Apparently I showed enough emotion to catch the reporter's attention, so they came over to interview us. I never saw the interview, and I can't begin to tell you what either of us said.

I will try to post more pics later, blogger is not exactly cooperating...........

Homecoming

2007-05-21T12:54:00.000-05:00

I've agreed to go to a homecoming. I have no idea WHY, but I did. My friend Jennifer' dh is coming back wednesday from an 8 month deployment. She is nervous as hell about it, so she asked me to come. I remember how scared I was when dh was on the way back from Iraq, and since I have been through it, I have no problem being there to support her. Well, except for the fact I have to actually BE there. I can't even watch homecoming's on tv without crying my eyes out.
This is the thing, I have been through ONE deployment. That was not exactly a normal situation. It was the START of the war, and our baby had died 5 days before dh was deployed. We had had no time to deal with that at all. The pain was all so new, but the excitement of dh finally coming HOME and knowing he was safe was there too. The problem is, there are also TONS of babies. And tons of daddys who have never seen their babies.
Every time I see a daddy in his uniform holding his baby, it reminds me of how dh's homecoming should have been. I'm going to deal with it though, partially for Jennifer, and partially so Evan will get the chance to see a ship come in (it really is an awesome site). Hopefully I can manage to keep myself from getting too hysterical.

On the outside looking in

2007-05-20T19:12:00.000-05:00

I feel like a stalker, or a peeping tom, or something equally creepy. I have spent entirely too much time on myspace today, looking for people I went to school with. Honestly, I really didn't like them when I was IN school, but I was curious to see who was on there. I was not exactly in the "in" crowd. Actually, I was about as far from it as you could get. I had green hair at one point, wore combat boots, and lots of black. We did alot of experimenting with drugs, and just didn't give a crap about anything. I had a small group of friends, but we were REALLY close. We graduated highschool, and we stayed friends. But then things changed.
Things always change, that's normal. People's lives move on, they have kids, get into serious relationships, move away. The thing is, I came across one of those friends on myspace today. So I checked out his friends list. It seemed like they were ALL on his list. All of my old friends, still in this little group, all linked together. Without me.
I am not totally sure why this really bugs me so much. I honestly dont even like these people anymore. Even the one that stood in the corner of the hospital room when Caleb was born. I don't WANT them to be my friends anymore. But I do. I know the reason I am left out. It's not because I am now married to a sailor (conformist!) and it's not that I have KIDS (more than one have kids of their own).
I am not in that circle because I have a DEAD kid. And I wouldn't "stop living in the past and focus on what I have now". (and I hold grudges) It's just one more reminder that I am NOT that person anymore (not that I really want to be completely that person) and that my life is so different from theirs. And yet another reason it's all so damn unfair.

So Excited!

2007-05-17T15:01:00.000-05:00

My friend Julie just got word after years of infertility and heartache, that she will be traveling to Almatay Friday night, and should meet their sweet baby girl Lucy on Monday!!!! I am soooo excited for her! It's been such a long journey!!

In loving memory of A.

2007-05-16T14:09:00.000-05:00

I am thinking of you Rosepetal. I am just so sorry. I wish I could do more. Sending hugs, and all of my love for you, A. and V.

Church

2007-05-15T07:10:00.000-05:00

Mother's day wasn't too bad here. Dh had to work overnight, but he still got up early so we could go to church. We had been living here for 2 years and never bothered to visit the church here until a couple of weeks ago. I still have alot of doubts when it comes to God, but I do know that the church environment will be good for my kids, so I am willing to go, and hopefully sort things out with God myself. This was only our second visit to this church, so we really don't know many people. Of course with it being Mother's day, everyone that came up to me wished me a happy mother's day, which was fine. But at one point Evan was still back in his class, and I had someone ask me if this was my first mother's day. I just kind of laughed and said it was my 4th. (5th if I had known I was pg with Caleb sooner) Then of course I also had people ask if she was my first child.
I hate that question. I hate those few seconds where I have to decide if I want an akward moment, or THAT LOOK of pity, or if I want to not include Caleb and then have to feel guilty about it afterwards. I am TIRED of that moment. I am tired of people looking at my family, seeing my living boy, and baby girl, and saying we have the perfect family. I don't think we could get much farther from perfect. I adore my children, and they do TRUELY make me happy, but it's all so bittersweet. I can deal with the bittersweet, but there are just times when it is absolutely crushing.
It ended up where I haven't actually told anyone at this church yet that we have lost a child. The preacher and his wife always make home visits to the visitors that come to their church, and we are supposed to have them over next week (we didn't have to do this of course, but I thought it might not be such a bad idea) and I am sure it will all come out then, and I am nervous about that. I hate that my son feels like this secret that has to be hidden sometimes.
And I hate having to miss him so much.

2007-05-14T20:56:00.000-05:00

And she LAUGHS now!! Time passes far too quickly.....

2007-05-14T20:52:00.000-05:00

I had a real post rolling around in my head, but I just can't seem to get it out when I try, so we will just leave it for another day. In the meantime, here's the promised pic of Lauren in her dress Kate sent. (And probably some other pics.....)

2007-05-12T15:40:00.000-05:00

My in laws just left. Would it be totally wrong of me to be glad it's over? Well, I am. They did get Lauren an exersaucer though.

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We spent 4 hours in Urgent care yesterday. WHY do the kids have pediatricians if we will just have to go to UC if one of them is sick?? God I hate the military healthcare system sometimes!! Anyway, Lauren was running a fever, and her eye was totally crusted shut, so I called her ped. They told me she needed to be seen, but they don't make same day appointments, so I had to take her to UC. It's bullshit. I am furious about the whole thing. The good news is, she just has Evan's cold, and the eye thing is most likely a virus. They gave me gel to put in her eye (THAT'S fun) and it seems to have cleared it up already.

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I was asked what was in the box I got from Kate. It wasn't a secret, I was just hoping I could find time to take pics. It didn't happen, so I will just tell you what it was. She sent me a set of make-up bags (the small one works PERFECT for my camera case!!!) with dragonflies on them. For Evan, there was a book and the cutest little wooden puzzle (he asks me to make bears with him constantly!) and for Lauren, there was a pair of pink robeez with cherries on them, and a gorgeous Calvin Klein dress!! She's wearing the dress to church tomorrow, so I will be sure to post pics!

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Hope you all have a peaceful Mother's day!! (((hugs))) to us all.

Thinking Catherine

2007-05-11T14:12:00.000-05:00

And her sweet boy Alex today. Happy birthday little man. You are deeply missed.

2007-05-09T16:11:00.000-05:00

I am not the most positive person in the world, and quite frankly, I have lost alot of faith in most people. But there are a few TRUELY good ones out there, and I am so lucky to be friends with a few. Kate is one of those people. It amazes me how she seems to be ALWAYS thinking of others. Even with twins on the way, a 2 and a half year old, and a teenager, she still manages to take time to do things for other people.

Thank you for the package Kate!! I absolutely LOVE it all. And more importantly, thank you for calling me friend. I wish we had met under different circumstances, but I am glad that we met.

More heartache

2007-05-08T19:18:00.000-05:00

Please go send Rosepetal your support.

I am so very very sorry Rosepetal. There just are no words.

Thinking of Catherine

2007-05-08T10:51:00.000-05:00

Sending you my love today Catherine, and remembering Travis.

Please Watch

2007-04-27T17:17:00.000-05:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZNvTDTK-0Jk&NR=1

A 4 minute PSA describing the need for the issue of a birth certificate to families who lose their child at birth.

Update on Lauren

2007-04-26T09:28:00.000-05:00

Lauren had her 2 month well baby check-up yesterday. Poor baby had to get 3 shots and an oral vaccine. I had to take her and Evan by myself since dh was working. Evan was really good the whole time we were there (over 2 hours!)
Lauren weighs 10lbs 11oz now and is 22 inches long. I talked to her dr about the possibility of her having reflux, and she agreed that it sounds like it to her too. She perscribed Zantac, so we are going to try that and see if it helps. The zantac is NASTY stuff. So far Lauren has made herself gag and even projectile vomit when we try to give it to her. I tried pumping and mixing the milk and medicine in the syringe so the medicine wasn't quite as strong, and that helped last night, but this morning, it all came right back out. I am not sure she got ANY of the dose at all. She is supposed to go back in a month to see if the Zantac is helping or not.

So Sad

2007-04-25T10:27:00.000-05:00

Another baby has passed away. My dear friend Kathleen, I am so sorry baby Mark is gone.

Please, if you pray, keep Kate, and her family in your prayers. This is their second son that has gone too soon. Her son Joseph was stillborn at term in 2003, and now baby Mark is gone at 9 months old.

I didn't really fall off the face of the planet

2007-04-16T09:46:00.000-05:00

I made the trip to SC without dh. It actually worked out pretty well. My brother and his fiance were on vacation in NJ visiting her family, and on their way back to SC, they stopped here and spent a couple of nights. Then they followed me back to SC and helped out with the kids when we stopped to eat, etc. Evan had a great time at Grandma's and of course got ENTIRELY too much stuff. We went to the church Easter egg hunt, and Evan had a great time. He got the concept immediately and his basket was overflowing in no time.

We came back to VA on Thursday, and the trip wasn't too bad, even with no help. I stopped at drive thru's and let Evan watch dvd's while I fed Lauren. We got started alot later than I wanted to leave, so we got home pretty late Thursday night. I took the kids by the cemetary though on the way out of town, and Evan helped me put pinwheels on his grave. I finally have a pic of all 3 of my kids. How unfair.

Friday dh's parents came up, and they spent the weekend. I brought a cold home apparently, and have been sick all weekend. YUK.

I also got a call about my referral to continue seeing my ob while I was gone. They didn't approve it. They told me that PPD has to be managed by a Psychiatrist, so if I want to stay on meds, I will have to call around and get an appointment with someone. I don't really want to do that. I think at this point, I have a better handle on things (or the Prozac is really working) and if I go off of the Prozac, and I get overwhelmed again, I will call a psych then. I just don't think I am ready to take that step. We will see what happens.

And just because she has started smiling so much, here's a pic of my girl.

And the parent of the year award goes to.......

2007-04-01T08:02:00.000-05:00

Dh and I!!

A few days ago, we decided to go to the outlets to go shopping with J and her dd. We were getting ready to leave the house, and it was HECTIC to say the least. Evan and J's dd were fighting over toys, Lauren was screaming because J was putting her in the carseat, dh was trying to find his shoes, and I was trying to make sure we had everything we needed for both kids in the diaper bag. We get all ready to go out the door. J grabs the carseat, and Evan turns off the tv, I grab the diaper bag, and dh grabs J's dd's hand. We walk outside, and we hear Evan say "UHOH, my SHOES!!!" We look down, and Evan has on no shoes!!! Dh had forgotten to put shoes on him!!

Who would have thought leaving the house would take so much planning??

Thinking of Kate

2007-03-25T07:37:00.000-05:00

And Nicolas today on his 4th birthday. Happy birthday sweet boy!! Kate, I am keeping you in my thoughts today.

PPD and Jumping through hoops

2007-03-24T20:04:00.000-05:00

I never got a chance to update after my 6 week pp appointment Monday. Ok, well maybe I had a chance, but I just didn't have the energy to actually post. Anyway, the appointment went fine. I took L with me, and she literally screamed from the second I signed in. It was bad. I brought her a bottle, but she wasn't thrilled by the idea of taking it from me (she takes a bottle from dh fine). My appointment was with the NP, but the NP was apparently working with a med student. She came in and asked if it was ok with me if I saw the med student instead of her. I said it was ok. Of course I was actually freaking out at that point because I had finally gotten up the courage to mention the possibility of PPD, and now I wasn't sure what to do. The student came in, and she was actually pretty cool. I managed to bring up how overwhelmed, and anxious, and just defeated I was feeling lately, and she agreed it was probably depression. She gave me a RX for Prozac since that is what I was on before (when Caleb died) and it seemed to really help me.
They want me to follow up in a month to see if my doseage is right, etc. This is where we jump through hoops. My referral is apprently up, so I have to get another referral to be able to continue care with my ob. I have to manage to get into the clinic to see my primary care within 3 weeks or so so they have plenty of time to get the referral processed. Have I mentioned how much I HATE Tricare lately? I called the appointmetn line, and they didn't have anything. They connected me with the clinic, and the first appointment they had was this morning at 9:30am. Oh and dh was working this morning. I originally took the appointment, but went back and cancelled it because there was no way I could get E and L ready, and out of the house by 8:30 to get to the appointment early (because if you aren't early, they cancel your appointment). The THOUGHT of trying to take them both with me, alone was terrifying! I ended up getting an appointment for the 30th, and dh is off so I won't have to take the kids with me. That takes SOME of the stress out of it.
So that's what is going on with me. I haven't started the meds yet, but I will tomorrow. (I only had a month's supply and my appointment was like 35 days away) I just hope the meds will even me back out so I can deal. I know Evan will still be difficult and jealous, but maybe I can deal with it a bit better. One can hope.

Real Moms

2007-03-20T19:44:00.000-05:00

I was tagged by Kate for this meme, and for once, this one hit me hard enough to make a special effort to participate. I totally agree when Kate said we "....try to make things work out the best they can...". What else can we do?

"real moms sometimes have children you can’t see.this meme goes out to all the mothers who don’t get tagged for things like this. the ones who’ve given birth but had no baby to take home. who sit on the sidelines of conversations about mucous plugs and back labour, with stories to tell but no room to participate. who have a little gravestone or an urn or just a memory in the place of a child. who have adoption papers saying “relinquish all rights…” or ultrasound photos but nothing more. or who have two smiling school photos on their desk, but really, inside, count to three when you ask “how many kids do you have?”this is for all the real moms with children invisible to the eye."

When I saw this post I had 2 pictures I immediately thought of. The first one is Evan "helping" me decorate his big brother's grave for Christmas. The second is from Caleb's 3rd birthday when we went to his grave to release balloons. I still remember Evan standing there, watching the balloons go up into the sky, and saying "Bye bye Caleb" over and over. I sobbed. And of course tried to hide it from Evan.

2007-03-13T19:41:00.000-05:00

The last few days have been crazy. Dh is off of work, so we have been trying to get some things done. Yesterday we went to the mall to look for outfits for the kids to get pics taken in, and I needed some jeans (since I have NONE that fit me, and the maternity jeans were getting OLD). When Evan was a baby, we could do anything we wanted, and drag him along happily with us. He was so easy-going. NOT Miss Lauren. First off, she HATES the carseat. And honestly, the way she acts, hate is not a strong enough word. We got one of the sit and stand type strollers and most of the time, we end up pushing the empty stroller while Evan walks, and I carry Lauren. So trying to shop, while trying to keep her happy was a nightmare. We did manage to get the kids their outfits, and I got 2 pairs of jeans. Mission accomplished.
Then we went to Toys R Us to get Evan his bike for his birthday. Long story short, he ended up melting down in the middle of the store, telling us he did not WANT a bike (not even a THOMAS bike). We ended up leaving without one. Of course the minute we got home, he cried because he wanted a bike. UGH!! We may try again another day to get a bike, but I just don't know.
So today we decided to go to the petting zoo since it was supposed to be about 70 degrees out. We got all ready, drove the 20 minutes to get there, and the place was CLOSED. Evan had talked all morning about seeing the animals, and was so excited about it, and the damn place was closed. So we decided to go ahead to Norfolk to the zoo. We got there, got out of the car, and Lauren started crying. We got into the zoo, and I sat down to feed her while Evan played at the fountain. When I was done, I tried to put Lauren in the stroller (carseat) and she started screaming. I decided to try my new sling and see if that worked. That was when I noticed the poop all over her pants. Her very first blow out. This was a blow out to put any Evan ever had to shame!! It was down to her KNEES. So off to the bathroom I went to change her. Evan and dh went ahead and looked at the farm animals while they were waiting on me. After I got her changed, I tried the sling. She HATED it. She screamed like she was being tortured (which meant I had to hear all kinds of comments from everyone passing by). It ended up where I had to just carry her the rest of the time at the zoo. Thank God its a SMALL zoo.
At least Evan was well behaved.
The thing is, I just don't know how to deal with a baby that is not flexible. Evan was so easy going, so this is such a shock. Lauren can be such a sweet baby, but if things don't go exactly how she wants them, she totally melts down.
And here is what I have to make a descision on. Dh had to work on Easter. I really, desperately want to go to SC for Easter. The church mom goes to does a huge egg hunt every year, and I know Evan would love it. Plus most of my family has never met Lauren. Not only that, my brother got engaged on Christmas, and I have NEVER met his fiance. And I desperately NEED to go see Caleb. It has been 10 months since I have been able to go to his grave, and it is killing me. I need to bring something to him. I need to bring his sister to meet him. I can't deal with the guilt of him being so far away much longer. I need to go and check on him. But the thing is, do I think I can make a 5 hour trip with 2 kids, ALONE?? (and yes, I know the trip will end up being alot longer than 5 hours with both kids) I think the descision is pretty much made for me to go, but do I really think I can handle it? Or am I just THAT sleep deprived??

As promised

2007-03-11T14:46:00.000-05:00

Here are the pics of Lauren in the outfit Catherine gave her.

2007-03-10T13:21:00.000-05:00

Poor Evan got a cold for his birthday. He didn't seem to mind it yesterday, but today it's kicking his butt. Of course now I am terrified that Lauren is going to end up with it since Evan is ALWAYS kissing on her. UGH. We were going to go to the park with a friend and her daughter, but he seems so miserable I thought we should skip it. (and of course it's in the mid 60's here today!)
Dh worked last night, so I had no help at all with the kids. It wouldn't have been too bad, except that Evan got up too last night. I was feeding Lauren and heard him out of his room, so finally I called him into my room and told him to get in my bed. Of course it was mostly so I knew where he was and what he was doing, but I also wanted him to go back to sleep. So he spent the rest of the night in mommy's bed. I just took him upstairs to take his nap today, and he instantly said he wanted to sleep in mommy's bed. UGH, I am in trouble tonite (and yes, dh is working overnight again.) Wish me luck.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!

2007-03-09T07:43:00.000-05:00

Where did 3 years go?? Happy birthday Evan, I love you to infinity and beyond!!

2007-03-07T09:19:00.000-05:00

I have started to post at least 15 times, and each time, I delete it. So here's the question: PPD or just typical exhaustion?? What do you think?

-I am feeling overwhelmed by everything. The house needs to be cleaned, but I don't know where to start, so I DON'T start at all. Then I am disgusted by how trashed the house is. We need groceries, but the thought of dealing with the grocery store is too much, so I just don't go.
-Lauren is a really needy baby. She cries. ALOT. At least once a day for the last week and a half, I have held her while we both sobbed hysterically. I feel like a horrible mother because I can't figure out how to calm her down, or fix it.
-I constantly feel judged. Dh asked me if I had a bottle for her (I had pumped a couple of times to have a stand-by bottle or 2) and I took that to mean that he was implying I was starving her because I was not feeding her right that second. Again, I was turned into a sobbing mess.
-I'm moody. Severely. I will snap at dh over the tiniest thing.

The thing is, Lauren is not a good sleeper at all. She won't go to sleep before 1am. (she wakes up around 10pm, and will cluster feed, and catnap from then until 1) Then she is usually up around 3, and doesn't go back to sleep until 4. Then she will be up again at 6. Evan wakes up at 7:30, which gives me very little sleep each night. So far, the kids are not napping at the same time, so I can't even catch up then. When dh is working, I have NO help because his schedule is so weird. So yeah, exhaustion is definately a good possability.

At this point, I am waiting to see how I feel at my 6 week follow up appointment, and if I am still overwhelmed, I will mention it to my dr then. (my appointment is only a week and a half away) If things get worse, of course I will call, but right now, I am just going to wait and see.

When I needed a Smile

2007-03-05T21:15:00.000-05:00

I came home and found this in my mailbox for Lauren! Thank you so so so much Catherine!! (I will put the outfit on her tomorrow for pics, I promise!!)

And here is Lauren today, and one month old (ALREADY!!)

Exhaustion

2007-02-28T10:03:00.000-05:00

Yeah, I know, it comes with the territory. When Evan was a baby, I had mom less than 5 minutes away, and I took advantage of that. This time though, she is 5 *hours* away. :sigh:

We have all been sick as dogs. Sunday night, Evan went to bed, and about an hour later, he was calling me, telling me he needed help. I went upstairs, and he had thrown up in his bed. (this is a kid who has thrown up *1* other time in his LIFE- other than spitting up) He seemed to feel fine though, and he went back to bed and slept through the night. Well, unfortunately, dh and I did NOT feel fine, and did NOT sleep through the night. We were both up vomiting for most of the night. I even gave Lauren a bottle of formula (which I never ever did with Evan) because I was scared I would have to go throw up in the middle of nursing her. Monday, dh and I were both useless. It was all we could do to take care of ourselves, and we still had to manage with the kids. Lauren seemed to avoid getting sick at all, and Evan seemed to feel fine on Monday, so that was a good thing at least. I didn't want either of them to feel as horrible as we did.

And now Lauren has decided that she doesn't want to sleep anymore. Ever. Oh and did I mention dh went back to work yesterday? Yeah, I am a real pleasant person to be around.

Some people make me sick

2007-02-27T17:48:00.000-05:00

Baby number 17 on the way..

No Rhyme or reason

2007-02-19T14:57:00.000-05:00

I just had a few peaceful minutes, so thought I would try to come up with something to post. Of course I am finding it hard lately to have a complete thought, so we will see what happens.
---------

Lauren is 2 weeks old today. Where the hell did that 2 weeks go?? She is getting plumper, and changing every day. Evan still adores her, and wants to hold her, hug her, and kiss her constantly. We have to watch him like a hawk because I just know the second we don't, he will try to pick her up and drop her.
----------

I am breastfeeding, and it's going really well. Lauren figured it out in no time, so of course that helps. I was sitting on the couch feeding her the other day, when Evan climbed up to sit with us. He looked down at her, and said in a very shocked voice "SHE'S EATING MOMMY'S BELLY!!!" I thought I was going to die.
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I couldn't be happier for Kate and for Michelle. Go congratulate them, I'll wait.
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Settling in to the new norm

2007-02-13T22:33:00.000-05:00

Things are going well so far. Mom had to leave Sunday morning to deal with drama back home, and the inlaws left Sunday afternoon. That left dh and I on our own to figure out how our new family works. So far, things aren't bad. Evan seems to be adjusting well, even with Grandma gone (we thought my mom leaving would be the worst for him since he ADORES Grandma). He loves baby Lauren. He wants to hold her constantly and hug her and kiss her. He doesn't seem to resent her at all. He is totally fascinated by her and watches her every move. It is absolutely adorable.

The breastfeeding is going well too. She is just like Evan, and figured the whole thing out right away. She looks like she is starting to gain a little weight in her fingers and legs. So far, so good.

It amazes me how much like Evan she looks. Which also means she looks just like Caleb. I noticed Evan and Lauren both have the same exact mark on their right ear. Exact. Which of course makes me wonder if Caleb had it too. I have no idea. I didn't look at him close enough. I have thought of him constantly in the last week. I watch how Evan is as a big brother, and wonder how Caleb would have adjusted to Evan when he was born. It brings back all of those questions that will never get answered, and again, I am reminded of how cheated we all were. Dh and I were cheated, but so were our other kids, and it kills me.

I have already had to hear how we have the "perfect" family now. One boy and one girl. I heard it a few times when I was pg, and people asked what we were having, but then, the day that Lauren was born, my *Dr* said it. Before I met this dr, the nurse told me that the dr had been informed of my history and how Caleb died. Well, when Lauren was born, and the dr was about to leave, she came to me and congratulated me, and then she said how she could not imagine what we had been through, and how sorry she was that we had lost our first child, and then went on to say, "But now you have the perfect family, a boy and a girl." WHAT????

But we are all adjusting, and so far so good. Dh is on leave until the 27th, so I still have lots of help. We will see how positive I sound when I face those first days on my own. The mere thought of it is enough to make me panic.

Birth Story

2007-02-08T22:09:00.000-05:00

Hopefully I can remember it all, and get it all typed out. We will see....

After all of the confusion with the scheduling, we were set up to induce on Monday the 5th. Well, of course, the night before, I got NO sleep. Dh came down with a cold, and then my alarm didn't go off, and instead of waking up at 5am, I woke up at 6am. I ran to the bathroom, jumped in the shower, and dh loaded the car. We were out of the house by 6:30. Got to the hospital, and they were waiting for us. I was taken to a room, and the terror almost took over. I was sure that I hadn't felt Lauren move that morning. Absolutely convinced she was dead. Thankfully, the nurse got me hooked on the monitors almost immediately. By 7:30, the nurse was paging the dr to see if I was supposed to be started on pitocin. I told her that was what I was told in the office, but that I had not actually spoken to the dr that was supposed to actually be at the hospital for the induction. By 8:30, the nurse came back in and said she was STILL waiting for the dr to call back, and that she would call the office when they opened to see if they knew what was going on. Dh and I were beyond annoyed at this point. I told the nurse that they were open already because my appointments were usually at 8:30am. She went to call the office and came back in a few minutes with the pitocin. The reason the dr hadn't called back? There was apparently a different dr on call that morning. It ended up being a dr I had never met. After all of the crap we went through with the scheduling, to try to AVOID a dr I had never met, we ended up in that exact situation.
At about 9am, the nurse started the pitocin, and by 9:30am the dr came in to check me. I was already at 4cm, so she decided to break my water. It didn't take much time at all for a nice strong labor pattern to start, and with that, the pain. I dealt with it for awhile, but the anesthesiologist was busy with a c-section, and then another epidural in front of me so I decided I needed to do SOMETHING quick. The nurse gave me some stadol, so things get a little hazy at that point. My time line gets totally screwed up. Not long after the stadol, I got my epidural. They tried a walking epi with me, so I was not totally numb. At first it wasn't bad, but I would regret not being numb soon enough. I tried to take a nap, but it seemed like in no time at all, Laurens heart rate started dropping. We had the same thing happen with Evan, and it was because of a nuchal cord, so we suspected the same thing again. The nurse gave me oxygen, and had me lay on my side, but it didn't do much to help. I was terrified, and pretty sure I would be taken for a c-section at any given moment. The nurse got on the phone with my dr and made sure she was aware of what was happening. I was about 7cm at that point. The nurse got an internal monitor for Lauren, and when she went to put it on her, I was at 8cm. Another nurse came in and had me adjust my position, and it seemed to help Lauren's heart rate. Within about 30 minutes, I was fully dialated and feeling extreme pressure. With both boys, I had epidurals that TOTALLY numbed me, so this was the first time I had ever felt the pressure, and it was horrible. I started getting really freaked out and panicky (probably because of the heart rate variabilites, and just wanting it over at that point so I could see if she was ok). The dr came in, took one look, and said the baby wanted out NOW. I started having severe pain, feeling every contraction (like I had not had an epidural at all). Within about 4 contractions, Lauren came screaming into the world. They did not even have time to break down the bed and get me into stirrups.

A Picture

2007-02-08T14:18:00.000-05:00

I don't have time for a real post right now, but thought I would at least post a pic of Lauren. Thank you all so much for your congrats! I promise the birth story is coming!

Change of Plans

2007-01-31T22:05:00.000-05:00

I had my 37 week appointment on Tuesday. It went well, with the baby still looking good, and passing her NST's. I am now 2cm dialated, so that's a good start for inducing. When I asked about my induction, and when I was supposed to be at the hospital though, we discovered a slight problem. The idiot who was supposed to actually schedule me never did. So now MY Dr. is booked for Wednesday the 7th, and there is no room for me. After a HUGE runaround (not worth typing it all out) I am not schediled to be induced Monday the 5th instead. MONDAY.

My in-laws have decided to stick with their plan of coming the 7th, which is good because I found out that the hospital stay up here is 2 days instead of the 24 hours after the birth that we stayed in SC when the boys were born. This 2 days thing REALLY bugs me, but I guess there isn't much I can do about it. I guess the worst part is the idea of leaving Evan that long. I have NEVER left him for longer than a couple of hours, and usually then, he was with dh, so he still had a parent with him. I know my mom will take excellent care of him, and they will have a blast (and don't forget how spoiled he will be!) but I am still really freaked out about being away from him.

Mom comes tomorrow. She decided to come a little early so we can get any of the last minute laundry etc. done, and so Evan can get used to her being here. (dh works over the weekend anyway, so it will be nice to have mom around to help)

The countdown is on.......

Family Annoyances

2007-01-28T08:35:00.000-05:00

Anyone that knows anything about me at all knows that I am not overly fond of my in laws. MIL has really done and said some horrible things to me since Caleb died, and fil is just, well, weird. I deal with them for Evan's sake, because I feel like it's really important for him to have a relationship with his grandparents. No matter what though, I can't totally let go of the fact that they pretend that Caleb never existed (and he was their FIRST grandchild).

All of that is beside the point though. The thing is, dh is convinced I hate them, and it's a sore subject with us. I have to approach anything I say about them with EXTREME caution so dh doens't take it the wrong way.

The current issue? Well, it's their timing for coming to see their granddaughter, of course. I never really talked to them about when or even if they wanted to come up because honestly, I figured they would wait awhile. They are both teachers, and have crazy schedules with all kinds of other associations, etc they are members of. It seems like they always have something to do. Well, a couple of weeks ago, they called me and asked when my due date was (AGAIN). I told them it was Feb 20th, but that the baby would be born some time before then because I would be induced. For some reason, they went to work, and asked for a couple of days off that week (I believe it was the 20th and 21st?). Then they called and told us they had gotten the entire week off. A WEEK.

I was NOT happy about this news at all. See, the thing is, my mom is already coming. This has been planned for MONTHS. Mom will come up a few days before the baby is born to help with any last minute stuff we need done, and then she will be here to take care of Evan for us since we have no one else to do it. I trust my mother 100% to take care of Evan. She will be a HUGE help. I know that I won't have to worry about Evan at all. Then when we come home, mom will stay a little longer and help out with the baby, and with Evan. This is all going to be a huge disruption for Evan. He gets off of his schedule when mom comes anyway (or anyone comes for that matter) and then add in the fact that he has NEVER been left by mommy and daddy, especially not overnight. And then add in the new sister........ well you get the point. Then on top of that, his OTHER grandparents plan to come up too??? Just great. (have I mentioned that my in laws are absolutely NO help when it comes to taking care of kids? When they are here, they sit on the couch, or mil gets on the computer, and that is about it. they are just in the way, unlike my mom who will work her butt off the entire time she is here)

But then, I got scheduled for my induction on Feb 7th, and I felt like it would all be ok. I figured that gave Evan a LITTLE time to adjust, and things to calm down just a little before my in laws came around the 20th. I was a little less stressed about the whole thing, and felt like it would be ok.

Well, then dh called them and told them I was being induced on Feb 7th. Everything has changed now. Fil calls the next day, and tells him that the week of the 20th was never good for him anyway, and they wanted to know when we wanted them to come. Dh tells them to come whenever they want, and fil starts saying they will come up on the 7th. He tells dh they will leave from SC after they get out of school that day. After dh got off of the phone, I told him that that wasn't really the best time, but they could do what they want to do. They are not the kind of people who would sit around the hospital waiting for her to be born, so at least they won't be in MY way. I just don't want them here. I am scared it's going to be way too much for Evan, but what can I do. Dh won't listen because MY mom will be here, but that is only because she is going to be HELPING us.

Why can't men get that??

Update, a little late

2007-01-25T20:33:00.000-05:00

I have been having internet issues, so it's been too annoying trying to post anything. They came and fixed it today, so hopefully I can manage a post. We shall see.......

I had a dr appointment Monday. The baby is still looking good, and is still really low. I am 1cm dialated and 50% effaced. (not that that really means all that much) She slept through the first part of her NST AGAIN, so I had to drink some juice to get her going. I had very regular contractions on the monitor, but nothing the dr was really excited about (except for the fact that it gave him a chance to see the baby handles the contractions very well). The big new is we have a date!! I will be induced on Feb 7th!! Next appointment is Tuesday morning.

So now we can actually make some plans. Mom is coming up at some point to help me get things ready for the baby (and no, she still doesn't have a name) and then she will be here to watch Evan while we are at the hospital.

The terror of the whole thing is starting to really set in. I wake up at night and BEG the baby to move, and I can't go back to sleep until she does. There are times when I am absolutely convinced that she is NOT moving as much as she was, and I am scared out of my mind. I really don't want her to be born too early, but I want her HERE so I can see for myself that she is ok. And the funny thing is, I am not nearly as scared this time as I was with Evan. If I made it through with him, I am sure I can make it to the end with this baby too.

13 more days............

Attitude

2007-01-14T09:55:00.000-05:00

Ever since we found out that this baby is a girl, I keep having mother's of girls telling me all about attitude. "You just wait, girls can have the worst attitudes!!" Well, I know I don't have a girl, but trust me, I know a bit about attitude!! Take this conversation between Evan and I over lunch:

E: Mommy, I want some candy.
Me: Evan, you have to eat your lunch first, THEN you can have candy.
E: Mommy, I want candy. (as he is getting down from the table, food untouched.)
Me: Evan, if you dont eat, you don't get candy.
E: (SCREAMS) I. WANT. CANDY!!!!
Me: Absolutely not.

Later that day..........

Me: Evan, please clean up your dinosaurs.
E: (looking me dead in the eye) Absolutely not.

Survival

2007-01-12T20:40:00.000-05:00

We made it through yet another year without Caleb here with us. I remember in those first moments, when we were told he was gone, telling dh "I can't do this" and I was SURE that I couldn't. At the time, I think I meant I couldn't labor, and then deliver my dead son, but then, as each task got more horrific, I think I realized I meant I couldn't do ANY of it. I couldn't bear the silence as he came into this world. I couldn't bear holding him, and feeling him slowly get cold. I couldn't bear walking out of that hospital without him. I couldn't bear sitting in a funeral home, making arrangements for him to be picked up, and then put in a little casket. I couldn't find a plot to bury him in the cold January ground. And most of all, I could not allow them to put him IN that ground.

But as each task arrived, I did it. I went through the motions, and did what I had to do, because honestly, I was not given a choice. I was not ASKED if this is what I wanted to do. My son had to be taken care of, and that was the only way we COULD take care of him.

The days went by, and I wondered how I would make it through the week. Then it was wondering how I would make it through the following week. Slowly, it became months that seemed impossible to make it through. I met people online who had been without their babies for YEARS and I couldn't imagine it. I was amazed that they were still alive. I was amazed that they had gone through this, and could still function, and even be HAPPY.

And now here I am, 4 YEARS later. Sometimes this does not feel real at all. I have the pictures of Caleb on my walls. I have figurines, and momentos people have sent to me. I have pictures of a grave, with my son's name on the stone. There is proof everywhere of someone missing, but it all still seems so unreal. Until I look at the Christmas tree, and all of the wrapped presents underneath, and I think "Can you imagine how many there would be if BOTH of our boys were here?". Or I see 2 brothers close in age, or hear someone call their Caleb while we are out in public, and it slaps me in the face all over again.

Yes, I have managed to survive the last 4 years of my life. I am so amazed when I really think about the whole thing. I have managed to find happiness, and continue to live my life. That is not to say there isn't sadness, but it's not CONSTANT. I am in no way over it, but I have learned to live with my life the way it is (ONLY because I was not given a choice) and find happiness and hope in Evan, and now the new baby girl we wait so cautiously for.

Survival IS possible.

Happy Birthday

2007-01-05T08:36:00.000-05:00

Happy 4th Birthday Caleb. I love you and miss you with all of my heart.

Distractions

2007-01-02T10:33:00.000-05:00

I have been really good at keeping myself distracted lately. I have hardly had time to really think of Caleb's birthday coming up on Friday (which of course makes me feel guilty as hell). Here is what has been going on:

My appointment last Thurday went well. I just absolutely LOVE my doctor! My weight, blood pressure, etc, were all fine. I am measuring right on track, and the baby sounded great. He said at my next appointment, we would do our first NST (Januray 8th). I asked him if we would get a chance to try to check for gander again, and he said "Oh, we never did get to do that, did we?" and then took me straight back to the ultrasound room to see if we could take a look.
We got cooperation this time. We know that DEFINATELY this is a GIRL!!!!!!

My parents came up Friday, and just left this morning. LOTS of shopping was done. Baby girl (still nameless at this point) has tons of frills and pinks and flowers. Of course all of the stuff is still in the bags, with the receipts, and the tags still on it, but hey, shopping is a start!

Mom and I also went shopping for flowers to make an arrangement for the front of her church in Caleb's memory. Evan helped us pick them out. God, it rips my heart out. It's so wrong. Mom will go and get a balloon for his grave, and arrange some flowers there. And she will most likely buy him a toy to take to his grave too. We are not going to make the 5 hour drive down there to go to his grave, which is really bothering me. I have a candle to light for him here, and we will probably get some balloons to release on Saturday because dh has to work on his actual birthday. I haven't decided if we will do anything else, like get a cake or anything like that.

Today, since my parents and neice and nephews are gone, and the house is somewhat back to normal, I am trying to stop the memories from flooding back in. I try not to think about January 2 2003, when I had the last dr appointment, and the last time I heard Caleb's heart beating away. The last chance I had to say "the baby isn't moving as much as he was" and could have possibly changed it all. My last chance to realize that Caleb was in trouble. Instead, when I was asked if the baby was still moving, I said yes, and left it at that. I can still hear my dr telling me he sounded perfect, and then setting up the plan to induce that monday, on January 6th.

So here we are, almost 4 years from that day. He feels so far away.

Merry Christmas (or thank God it's over!)

2006-12-25T21:18:00.000-05:00

We actually had a very nice Christmas with just the dh, Evan and myself. It was the first Christmas without our families, but honestly, it was nice to have a bit of a break from the insanity (I have a big family, with LOTS of kids running around, plus, Christmas is my neice's birthday, so we do a birthday party on top of everything else.) Santa was VERY good to Evan. He got too many things for me to count, including a train table, and 5 new Thomas trains. The kids is OBSESSED with Thomas.

My in laws were here for thursday-saturday, and did WAY too much for us. They got me a new digital camera, got dh an iPod, and both of us an outfit. They also bought us both a couple of books, and then took me to the grocery store to buy food for Christmas dinner. THEN they wrote us a very generous check. They may drive me nuts, but I do admit, they can also be WAY too good to us.

My parents are supposed to be up at the end of the week for a couple of days. Mom and I will go shopping to pick out some silk flowers to arrange for Caleb's birthday. She will make an arrangement to put at the front of her church in Caleb's memory. I am so greatful I have a mother like her.

My brother got engaged today. His first marriage ended in a nightmare that resulted in him losing his kids (not that he DESERVED to lose his kids) and my mom getting custody of them. I truely want him to be happy, and hope this woman is NOT like the first. I haven't met her though, so I have no idea.

I have thought of Caleb non-stop today. I spent alot of time alone in the kitchen cooking, and I just could not get him out of my mind. God how I wish he was here. I wish I could do more than just light a candle for him.

Hope everyone had a wonderful holiday, and made it through with at least SOME of their sanity left.

Appointment Update

2006-12-14T22:00:00.000-05:00

I had my 30 week appointment today. It actually went REALLY well. I was so nervous about it. First off, I passed my 3 hour GTT. Actually, by the end of the test, my blood sugar was actually LOW. I only gained 1lb in 2 weeks, which is a first for me. I usually, by this point, am gaining at least 2 lbs a week. (Yes, I gain a TON when I am pg)

The dr said that we would start NST's at 34 weeks, UNLESS I feel like I need them. In that case, I can have them at any point I want. I told him that so far, the baby is very cooperative, and I haven't been terrified yet. There is definately an obvious movement pattern that the baby sticks to. I know all of that could change pretty quickly with Caleb's birthday about 3 weeks away.

He also mentioned inducing, but basically said we wouldn't make any solid plans at this point. He has no problem inducing, IF I am starting to dialate already on my own. He actually said that he wanted me to be about 3-4 cm before inducing, but we will see when Febuary gets closer. I feel sure I could talk him into it as long as my cervix isn't totally closed. I totally understand that he doesn't want to have me end up with a c-section because we pushed for inducing, and honestly, I don't want that either, so I get his concerns. Like I said, we will see where I am mentally by that point.

My next appointment is Dec. 28th.

Time to Relax

2006-12-09T09:03:00.000-05:00

We have had a crazy couple of days, filled with errands and (somewhat) fake Christmas cheer. Wednesday we went to see Santa. Evan did great! The past 2 years he screamed and cried in terror (and yet we still got the pictures. We should be ashamed terrorizing our child that way.) I am not sure I would say he LIKED Santa, but he wasn't terrified of him either. As long as Santa didnt touch him, he was ok. There was once or twice when Santa was helping us try to get Evan to smile that I thought Evan was going to cry. He even remembered to ask Santa for his trains, tunnels and dinosaurs. (of course Santa didnt understand what he was saying, but it's ok, because mommy and daddy got it!)

Then we had to go to the Navy base to get some more of the stuff for dh's uniform. We ran all over the place for at least 2 hours. I think the uniform situation is taken care of for now though. We will see.

We came back to our town and went to get a Christmas tree. We found one pretty easily, and let Evan pick out a couple of ornaments for the tree. He picked a train and an airplane. Go figure. We managed to have the tree up and decorated by 8pm, so Evan could get to bed. I was exhausted, and I am pretty sure Evan was too.

Thursday we took Evan to get his portraits done. He didn't do as well this time as the times before because he kept trying to run away. We managed to get SOME good ones, but I was disappointed overall. I guess it saved me some money!!

Yesterday, I had the 3 hour GTT. I think it went ok, but I have no idea about the results. I am not sure I expect them to be good results at all. I won't find out for sure until my appointment on the 14th. At this point though, I am just glad the test is over with.

Dh works the rest of the weekend, and it's insanely cold outside, so Evan and I are going to hang out around the house and be as lazy as possible. I think we could both use it.

So much for being positive

2006-12-05T11:06:00.000-05:00

My ob's office called this morning. Yep, you guessed it. I failed the 1 hour GTT. I'm irritated because it took them a WEEK to call. I figured since I had heard nothing by now, I was in the clear. Obviously not. Anyway, I kind of thought this was going to happen. No real reason to think that, but I did. I didn't fail the one hour with my 2 boys, or even come close for that matter. So I have to go by the ob's office sometime today to get my orders and instructions, and then have to go to the lab sometime before my next appointment to do the 3 hour. Hopefully I can do it Friday morning and get it over with while dh is off of work so he can watch Evan. (there is NO way I want to bring Evan with me to a lab for *3 hours*)

On a positive note.....

2006-11-30T21:34:00.000-05:00

My dr's visit on Tuesday went well. I was really nervous about it because of the GTT test, and meeting a new dr. Well, I still don't have the results of the GTT (they were supposed to call to schedule the 3 hour test if I failed, and I haven't heard anything at all yet. Hopefully that is a good sign)The new dr seemed like a really nice guy. I asked about NST's and told him that my first son was stillborn (still not used to having to tell SOMEONE about that at EVERY appointment, instead of my old dr's office where they all knew me and my story). He actually came over to me, put his hand on my shoulder, and told me how sorry he was, and seemed to actually MEAN it. He seemed like a very compassionate person actually, which seems to be rare in a dr. Anyway, he said that they have no problem at all with doing NST's, and that they usually start them around 34 weeks. That seems pretty late to me, but he said that they could start them earlier if I needed them for peice of mind. I will definately push MY dr when I see him on the 14th to start them earlier, because 34 weeks seems TOO far away.

On a different note though, we found out today that dh made First Class!! (his rank) It couldn't have come at a better time. He has worked his ass off for this and totally deserves it. Of course we have no idea when he will actually get his money for it, but it WILL eventually mean a raise. Hopefully that will mean we can afford to get a bigger place. We will see how it works out.

Things are good......

Update

2006-11-27T10:27:00.000-05:00

Thank you Anam Cara for checking in on me. I didn't mean to worry anyone. All is ok here. I have had lots of good intentions to come post, but we all know how that goes. We had serious internet issues for about a week where the computer was pretty much impossible to use. Once that got fixed, my in laws came for the weekend, and so we were busy the whole weekend. Then my parents came up last Tuesday to stay for Thanksgiving, and we were really busy with them. (they actually just left).

Things are ok though. Evan was sick with a cold the entire time my parents were here, so he was kind of hard to deal with, but not too bad. He REALLY enjoyed my mom being here. She lets him get away with everything, and plays with him like she is a big kid too. (which is entirely different from my mil who just sits on the couch when she is here, or goes out and just buys Evan stuff, but never actually PLAYS with him) Poor dh, once again, had to work most of the time they were here, so he didn't get to spend much time with them. It seems like it always works that way.

Mom and I managed to work on Caleb's Christmas tree. I can't stand that I can't go out to the cemetary and help her put it up out there. I hate looking at all of the stuff Evan will have for Christmas, and Caleb gets a damn tree in a cemetary. This is so fucking wrong. I hate that THIS is the only thing I can do to take care of my oldest baby. God we were so robbed.

This time of year is already taking it's toll on me. I think of Caleb non-stop. I hate the countdowns to Christmas all over the place, and automatically adding 10 days to that countdown until we get to Caleb's birthday. I hate trying to buy sour cream at the grocery store, and looking at the date and seeing January 5th. I just want to hide until it's all over.

I wake up several times a night, thinking over and over in my head "Please God let the baby move" and I can't fall back to sleep until the baby DOES move. I am finding myself constantly thinking about movement. CONSTANTLY. I really did not think this time would be so hard. I made it through with Evan, so I KNOW it's possible to have a living baby, but I also know the OTHER possibilities.

I have a dr appointment tomorrow. I get to do the GTT (oh YAY) and of course I am worried about it. Part of me feels like I am so close to being at the end of this pg, and part of me thinks that Febuary is still SO far away.

For now though, I am going to look at it as 10 more weeks.......... I can do that, right?

Santa, tantrums and fear

2006-11-09T20:16:00.000-05:00

I thought Evan had this Santa thing figured out. A couple of weeks ago when the Toys R Us big toy book came out, I was looking at it online. Evan came and climbed up in my lap, and was looking with me. I stayed quiet, not really pointing anything out while I was getting ideas for Christmas. The first page he showed interest in was the Thomas page. "Mommy, I want TRAINS!" I told him I knew he wanted trains. Then he saw the train table on the page with the track all set up on it. "Mommy, I want TUNNELS!!!" I told him that maybe we would ask Santa to bring him tunnels for Christmas. This was the first mention of Santa. Then he saw the Imaginext dinosaurs. "MOMMY! I want DINOSAURS!!" Again, I told him we would ask Santa to bring him the dinosaurs. At this point, he jumped down from my lap, went into the kitchen, and told his daddy "I going to tell Santa I want trains, tunnels, and dinosaurs." Then he came back to the living room, grabbed his shoes and brought them to me so we could go RIGHT THEN. I thought for sure that he would forget all about it, but he is still telling me weeks later that he wants to ask Santa for trains, tunnels and dinosaurs.

Well tonite, i asked him what he wanted to eat. Dh is working, so it's just Evan and me. I don't cook a big meal when dh isn't here. I usually just throw something quick together for Evan. He didn't eat anything at all for lunch, so I knew he was hungry. He told me immedaitely he wanted "hot dogs and oranges". I told him we didn't have any oranges, and his reply??

"Let's ask Santa for oranges!!!"

-------------

He has been absolutely impossible for the past couple of days. I dont know what is going on with him, but any time I ask him to do ANYTHING, he throws himself on the floor and cries. I try to pick him up, he goes limp. He's been an absolute pain. He won't stay in bed (once he does stay in bed, he goes straight to sleep). He doesn't want to nap. I THINK it's a new tooth turning him into such a brat, but I am not so sure how much I can take. Where has my sweet little boy gone???

-------------

The baby has been really quiet today. I have found myself begging the baby to move more than once. I snuck upstairs and checked with the doppler, and of course the baby immediately started moving. I hate that pg has to be this way now. I hate that I can't just enjoy it fully. I hate that I am STILL terrified to buy anything. Thank God for the brilliant person who decided to make dopplers available to rent.

25 week update

2006-11-08T13:43:00.000-05:00

Nothing exciting to report here. (Boring is good though!) I had my ob appointment on Monday. Just the typical tummy check, urine check, weight, blood pressure. Nothing special. Everything is looking good (well, we aren't discussing weight gain here....) I reminded the dr that he promised a quickie u/s to try to find out the gender, and he had no problems doing that for us. I really think I like this dr alot. He did the u/s, and once again, this baby REFUSES to cooperate!!! We still don't know what we are having!! It was nice to get to see the baby though, and hear the dr saying that the baby looks great. He says he would GUESS girl, (which is the same thing the u/s tech said at 20w) but he just could not get a good shot. He said he would try again at a later time if we wanted, so maybe we will find out, but I doubt it. I will definately get him to try though so I can get another peek at the babe.

I meant to ask him about NST's and inducing, but Evan was with us, and it's hard to think straight with a 2 year old running all over the office filled with VERY expensive medical equipment! I asked the dr I first saw at that practice about NST's and he had no problem doing them, and he saw nothing wrong with inducing, but he is not technically my dr. My dr is the one that did the u/s on Monday. I feel like he will be more than willing to do both, but I need to be absolutely sure. And of course my next appointment is with a different dr, so most likely I wont get to find anything out then either.

Next appointment is in 3 weeks for the Glucose tolerance test. Yay.

Because I don't want to be you

2006-11-02T12:26:00.000-05:00

From Caleb's guestbook on his website:

Hey there....I saw the link in your sig at Cmoms. I read your story and I am deeply touched and my complete sympathies go out to you. Even though I am in my second pregnancy (I have a 2yo daughter), I still worry quite a bit about things like this and despite what my OB tells me, you story proves that things like this DO happen. Now I don't feel so bad for bugging the crap out of them when I am worried about something. Thank you for sharing your story!

Glad to be an exapmle. I really could have done without this person bothering to sign his guestbook. WTF is wrong with people??

Halloween

2006-11-01T20:17:00.000-05:00

I am trying to get better about posting. I really am. Halloween went well. The original plan was for my friend J and her 18 month old dd to come to my house after J got off of work, and then we were going to drive to a nice neighborhood behind her house to Trick or Treat. Dh was working days, but sometimes he doens't get home until 7pm, so he was going to try to find us when he got home. J got here, and we decided to put her dd's carseat in my van, and then we were going to take Evan's wagon for the kids to ride in between houses. While we were getting the kids dressed and diapers changed, dh came home. He watched the kids while we installed the carseat and loaded the wagon and diaper bags into the van. I noticed there were several kids Trick or Treating around our apartment courtyard, and so I ran into the house and told dh to take the kids around our courtyard while we finished getting ready to leave. Dh came back over to us when he had gone around our courtyard, and the kids had a ton of candy already! We decided that since there seemed to be so many trick or treaters right here, we would just stay at my apartments instead of going to the other neighborhood. (so much for installing the carseat!!) The kids had a blast!! I think J's dd loved the wagon ride more than anything else. Evan was all about the candy. He did great at first, saying "Trick or Treat" at every house, but after awhile, he started just reaching into the bowls to take his OWN candy! It was hilarious. It took him no time at all to figure out we only go to the doors with the light on, and he loved to knock on the doors. The kids (and the adults) were worn out by the time we were done!! It was fun though. Hopefully I got some good pics (not sure about that yet!)

Random Thoughts

2006-10-30T08:18:00.000-05:00

I have tried to post a few times, but we all know how hard Blogger can make that. Since I am lucky to post even one time, I guess I will just kind of throw it all in here.

Thursday, I got to meet Kate in person. I have known her now through another group for close to 3 and a half years. We have talked to each other close to every night on yahoo, but we live so far from each other, we never actually got to meet. Her conference brought her a few hours from me, and she decided to take some of her spare time, and come spend a night at my house. I am SO glad she did. I always knew she was an incredibly sweet person just by talking to her, and of course the occasional package in the mail that proves she is constantly thinking of Caleb too. And Evan LOVED her. (Kate, we went out to eat last night, and he kept asking if we were going to see M. lol) I realy wish they lived closer so Evan and Chloe could play together. I think they would have an awesome time.

Friday we were supposed to go to the pumpkin patch since we had run out of time to go, but by noon it was raining. Figures. So we ended up taking Evan, and our friend J. and her dd to the mall and letting them play in the play area. Then we came home and I made spaghetti and meatballs.

With the 2 days of being busy almost nonstop, that fear started creeping in. That constant nagging question of when I felt the last movement from the baby. I kept THINKING I remembered movement, but would then wonder if it really WAS movement, or if I was just imagining things. I know it's hard to explain (unless you have been there). Thank God for the doppler. I snuck upstairs and listened real quick, just to make sure. All is ok for now. I was doing so well with the fear, but I guess I am not anymore. Last night the baby seemed to move non-stop, so that was a little of a relief.

I went and ran some errands with J yesterday, and while we were out, we stopped by a couple of baby sections. I had outfits in my hand more than once, but ended up putting them down before we left the store. I just can't bring myself to buy anything. I had an easier time buying for Evan (I just couldn't take the tags off of things). I just can't do it this time though. I keep saying once I have the u/s next week, then MAYBE it will be easier, but honestly, I doubt it. I know I NEED to buy some of the stuff we need in advance because if not, we will end up spending the money all at once, and we cant afford to do that. It's just actually DOING it that is the problem.

Thank God for holiday distractions. (which of course bring up all kinds of OTHER issues.....)

2006-10-17T19:47:00.000-05:00

I thought I would come and give a little update since it seems that I still have at least one reader out there. I kind of thought that everyone had given up on me by now. I haven't really posted because honestly, there just isn't anything to post about. I've managed to stay somewhat sane lately as far as the pregnancy goes, but I think alot of that has to do with the daily use of the doppler (nope, I didn't send it back like I said I was going to). I had to reschedule my next dr appointment because dh had to work on Oct 30 (the original date). When I called I found out that that was the only day that week that my dr would be there. Since HE was the one that said he would do a quickie u/s at my next appointment, I really had no choice but to change it to the following week. So my next appointment ended up being Nov. 6 (*5* weeks after my last appointment.) I really have the feeling that we still aren't going to be able to find out the gender, but it's definately worth a shot. And of course it's not like I am going to turn down another u/s!!

So see, there really isn't much to say. I think I like it that way!

Halfway Home

2006-10-04T07:57:00.000-05:00

That's how my dr put it when we saw him yesterday. We are halfway home. I wanted to say "look man, we are MORE than halfway there, because you WILL induce me". I didn't though.

We had our anatomy u/s yesterday and everything looked perfect. The baby was completely uncooperative though, and it took the tech forever to be able to get her measurements. She couldn't get a shot of the baby's face because of both hands being in the way. Then she couldn't get the stomache because the baby kept moving. And then she couldn't find the bladder because it was EMPTY. She showed me where the cord inserted, and I totally ignored everything else that was said about the cord. Honestly, I don't want to hear about it because it scares the shit out of me. She tried to get a gender shot for us. This baby was NOT letting that happen. Seriously, I have ANOTHER stubborn one on my hands. Legs squeezed together at the thighs, and crossed at the ankels. She shook my belly over and over, and even had me sit up, and then lay back down, and the baby would squirm around (I could feel it moving the entire time) but kept the legs closed tight. She said if she HAD to guess, she would say girl, but she wouldn't say it for me because of my history. I told her this was the same thing BOTH of my boys did to me, and we were told they were both girls, and then at an u/s at 33 weeks, they showed their goods. I wouldn't have believed her if she HAD told me girl anyway.

I had an appointment with my dr immediately after the u/s with the tech (that's when he said we were halfway home). He asked me if we were able to find out the gender and I told him the baby would not cooperate, so he told me to make sure my next appointment was with him, and he would do a quickie u/s for me! I am really starting to like this dr!! So we will try again in 4 weeks. Oct. 30.

Another Tragic Ending

2006-09-27T20:15:00.000-05:00

I am heartbroken to think of another family living this life, celebrity or not.

2006-09-24T06:49:00.000-05:00

My poor little neglected blog............

I keep meaning to post, but seriously people, it would bore you. To TEARS.

The pregnancy is going fine. I am 9 days from my u/s. It feels like it will NEVER get here. I have actually been somewhat positive about things lately. I feel the baby move some each day. The movements are still not overly strong, so if I am not paying attention I will miss them. I have decided the doppler isn't so bad after all, (yeah, I couldn't bring myself to send it back) and have been using it almost daily again. Physically, I am not feeling too bad MOST of the time.

-----------

We finally went outlet shopping last weekend. Dh needed to get some new running shoes for his PRT coming up next month, so it sounded like a good excuse to hit the outlets to me. I had to return some stuff that mil had gotten for Evan anyway. While we were in Williamsburg, I decided to FINALLY stop at one of the Christmas stores there. I had been meaning to stop there forever, and just never managed to do it, but I was driving, and it was early in the day, so I stopped. I was on a mission. I needed to find a new Christmas tree for Caleb's grave. The one we were using has been used since Christmas 03, and was starting to look faded and the branches were starting to rust. We have looked every year for a replacement, but haven't been able to find one that was "right". We went into the store, and I headed straight upstairs. There were several of the mini trees there. Most of them were in little baskets for the bases, and honestly looked a little like Charlie Brown trees. (ok yeah, I AM exaggerating, but you get the point) They weren't full enough, and I was not sure they would work for mom with them being in bakets anyway. (She needs to be able to take the tree off of the base, and then she puts it in floral foam and wires it into the vase on Caleb's stone). Then, back behind this little bunch of trees was one that looked a little different. It looked FULLER. And there was no basket! It was on a base that is made to look somewhat like a tree stump, and I THINK it's some type of foam!! I grabbed it. $13. I can deal with that!! So I bought it. I bought the second Christmas tree for my dead son's grave. Tis the season.

My mom says that her and my dad, and neice and nephews are coming up for Thanksgiving and I will give her the tree then instead of trying to ship it. Hopefully they actually get to come, and then mom and I can decorate his tree then. I want to have a part in getting the tree ready for him since I am not sure we will be able to go to SC this year (since I will be about 30w pg at Christmas).

I can't stand that I haven't done more for Caleb this year. I haven't bought anything for him in a long time. I haven't been to his grave since June. I wish he was closer. No, that's not right either. I wish he was HERE, and ALIVE, and none of this shit would matter.

Ok I knew better

2006-09-15T07:46:00.000-05:00

I knew the night would come where the toddler bed wasn't such a success. Evan saved that night for dh's first night shift. I thought that was what would happen. He was out of bed *6* times last night. The kid is AMAZINGLY quiet too. I would glance over toward the stairs, and see one little eye peeking at me. It was all I could do not to laugh. I finally had to close his bedroom door though. It was the only way he would stay in bed.

At least something was easy

2006-09-12T12:21:00.000-05:00

Or at least it's easy SO FAR.

We took down the crib and put Evan in a toddler bed. He is doing WONDERFULLY so far. I am absolutely amazed. We left him in the crib forever, because honestly, he was happy there, and why mess with a good thing? He wasn't climbing out (although he would put on leg up on the rail, like he was threatening to climb out) and he slept there so well. I was so scared of the transition. Back in June, my mom gave me the toddler bed my brother was using for my nephew. The thing is ugly, but it was free. So about 4 days ago, I got sick of looking at parts of that toddler bed leaning against the wall in my dining room, so we put it together. He went straight to bed that night. And STAYED in bed. So far, nights have been a breeze. Yesterday, at naptime, he got up and played in his room for about an hour. Then he got back into bed and went to sleep on his own. His room was trashed, but he took a nice long nap. I am so so proud of him.

On the baby front, there is not much to report. I am sending the doppler back tomorrow because I have not touched it since I couldn't find the hb. I just don't think it's worth it to add MORE fear. I am thinking that I am feeling movement now, but then I catch myself thinking "I could be imagining the whole thing. The baby could be dead, and I am imagining movement. How stupid will I look THEN?" UGH. 3 more weeks until my u/s and my next appointment.

Ouch

2006-09-07T08:16:00.000-05:00

There was a post on one of the message boards I post on last night that was like a slap in the face. Its a message board where I post with other March 2004 moms, and they all know about Caleb. I have posted with these women for a long time, and I can say they have been nothing but supportive over the last 2 years I have been with them. Last night though, I went to check the messages, and there was this post.

"guys- i am beyond devastated. my fil wife's water broke this afternoon and she lost the baby. she was 22 weeks and it looks like her placenta ruptured. she is being induced as we speak and has to deliver the baby vaginally. she is on a pitocin drip. i cannot believe they did not knock her out. can you imagine being in l and d, hooked up to pit waiting to deliver a baby that will never take its first breath??? according to the drs the baby was "healthy". please say some prayers for her since she is obviously heartbroken. she is 38 and fil is 61. i doubt they will try again. all she wanted was to be a mom."

Ummm yeah, I can imagine. In fact, I have been there, done that. For 11 of the 18 hours of labor with Caleb, I knew he was gone. Basically, I posted back "Yeah, I can imagine." and then I told her how sorry I was for her family, and also told her if there was anything I could do, to please let me know. Then I also emailed her a list of resources from Kate.

I knew this girl meant NOTHING by it. She is one of the sweetest people, but that post just HIT me. She is usually very compassionate, but just wasn't thinking. She posted back and apoligized to me, and then emailed me privately too. I was just really surprised by her saying that, especially since her big brother was stillborn in the 60's.

Kind of makes you wonder how many stupid, hurtfull things we have all said without really thinking.

Breathe with me

2006-09-05T20:49:00.000-05:00

I had my dr appointment today. All is looking "perfect". Heart rate is in the 150's. I can breathe again. At least for a couple of days anyway.

I am trying very very hard to be positive about things. But then I hear my dr telling me that Caleb looked "perfect" too. 2 days later, he was dead.

But a heartrate in the 150's is a start. I'll have to take it. And make that last another 4 weeks.

U/S is scheduled for October 3rd. This is going to be a LONG month.

Where Things Stand

2006-08-30T19:50:00.000-05:00

So I haven't touched the doppler again. Not sure I plan on it. Honestly, for the moment, I am feeling almost positive (except for that damn nagging fear that is always in the back of my mind, but that is nothing new) about this baby. I am thinking that it's a very good possibility that the baby has moved, and that is why I couldn't find the heartbeat. I know that I could seriously be kidding myself here, but I have a dr appointment on the 5th, and I didn't see the point in going in before that. I just can't bring myself to try the doppler again though. I can't take hearing my heartbeat, and not the baby's. It brings me back to that morning in January of 2003, with all of those nurses standing over me, taking turns trying to find Caleb's heartbeat. Not a moment I want to relive.

It seems like the morning sickness (what a joke THAT is!! Try 24 hour a day sickness people!!) is GONE. Of course now it's replaced with the insane hunger. I am STARVING. The bleeding and spotting seems to be gone again too. Of course it went away for 3 days before and then came back, so we will see.....

Evan has been so obnoxious today. His new thing? You tell him what you want him to do, and he says "I don't want ______". A few examples from tonight, when told it was time to brush teeth? "I don't want brush teeth." Time to go to bed brings on "I don't want bed". Only imagine that response for EVERYTHING. Yeah, it was cute for all of 5 minutes. Not so much anymore.

I'm off to find food.......

I Hate the Doppler

2006-08-27T08:56:00.000-05:00

I have tried to come post a couple of times, but Blogger just wouldn't let me. Don't ya just love it?

Anyway, I knew better than to mention the lack of bleeding or spotting, because as soon as I did, it started again. It hasn't gotten worse, so it really doesn't worry me much. I think it annoys me more than anything else.

I got the doppler Wednesday, and found the hb IMMEDIATELY. Found it immediately on Thursday too. Friday night when I checked, I couldn't find it. I thought I heard it for a second, but I am not totally sure. I know I heard movement though (I even double checked the cd that came with the doppler to make sure that was movement that I heard). I was scared, but it was Friday night, so there wasnt much I could do. I convinced myself that the baby has just changed position and went to bed (and had wonderful dreams of dead babies). The next morning I checked for the hb again, and couldn't find it. I am not sure I heard movement either. It could have been because the baby was asleep, or it could be because the baby is gone. FUCK.

I haven't touched the doppler since. I am not sure I will. I am strongly considering just sending the damn thing back. I don't see the point in checking for the hb again today because honestly, if it's too late, it's too late, and there is nothing anyone can do. I am nervous about the whole thing, but not terrified. I don't really have a feeling of dread, and I dont feel like it's all over at this point, but I could be so horribly wrong. I just can't get that out of the back of my head. It could be too late.

I really thought that maybe this pg would be different. I was so scared the entire time with Evan. I guess I thought I would be able to be more positive this time since I have managed to have one living baby, but I think this time might be worse. This just totally sucks.

2006-08-21T07:25:00.000-05:00

I have managed to go 2 whole days with absolutely no bleeding or spotting. Dh was working, so I had to take care of Evan on my own, which means there wasn't much time for taking it easy either. I hope that's a good sign. The morning sickness is getting a lot better too. Instead of feeling like shit ALL day, I have really only felt bad at night.

I finally ordered a doppler though. It's supposed to be here Wednesday I think. I can't wait.

Scary Night

2006-08-16T20:08:00.000-05:00

Last night, at about 2am, I got up for one of my (many) trips to pee. I stumbled into the bathroom, and didn't bother with the light (there is a nightlight in there). I pulled my undies down, and there it was. Blood. I was instantly terrified. I looked into the toilet, and there was a drop or red. RED. Fuck.
I got up, and came downstairs to tell dh, and to try to figure out what the hell I needed to do. I decided to wait and see if the bleeding got worse, or stopped. I had absolutely no cramping, no pain at all, just that damn blood.
I stayed up for about an hour (probably going through a whole roll of toilet tissue in that time) and the bleeding didn't stop. It didn't get worse, but it didn't stop. It was thunderstorming pretty bad outside, and Evan was asleep. I really didn't want to go to the ER alone, and I didn't want to wake Evan up, and drag him to the ER either. I knew that even if the baby was gone, there wasn't anything the ER would be able to do to save it, and the bleeding wasn't bad enough to hurt me. After about an hour though, dh started telling me that we WERE going to the ER. I decided to call the dr and see what he had to say about it all.
I had him paged, and he called back pretty much immediately. I told him what was going on, and he didn't seem too worried. He said that being 13 weeks, he wasn't concerned since I wasn't having any cramping, but that he wanted me to come in today so they could check things out. I asked him if he thought I should go to the ER, and he said he really didn't see the need.
So I told dh what the dr had said, and I went back to bed to TRY to sleep. By this point it was about 2am. I ended up passing out pretty easily, but had horrible dreams.
When I got up this morning I called the office, and they couldn't get me in until 1:15 (WTF???) The nurse I talked to told me to take it as easy as possible, and if the bleeding got worse, to call them back. I went back to bed (and let dh watch Evan) and tried to nap some. I was still bleeding some.
I went in at 1:15, and was there FOREVER. I have decided I really don't like this one nurse. When I told her about the bleeding, she says "So you are spotting". Umm NO. It's more than that. But not ALOT more. I was in the u/s room for roughly an hour waiting on the dr. Scared out of my mind the entire time. Thinking the worst. Over and over. The dr came in and did the u/s. He showed me the screen almost immediately. A LIVING baby. MOVING. With a HEARTBEAT. Thank you God.
He said the baby looks perfect at this point. He doesn't think this pregnancy is in any danger at all. He seemed very confident about it, and actually said he is really not worried. He thinks the reason for the bleeding is a low lying placenta. Not quite placenta previa, but close. He said he saw no clots or other issues at all. He told me to try to take it easy, and not to do too much lifting, and if the bleeding gets worse, to call him. And he told me to come in AS NEEDED.
So everything is fine. The baby is fine, just apparently likes to scare me out of my mind. I'm off to order my doppler now.

Update

2006-08-10T07:08:00.000-05:00

Sorry I didn't update yesterday about my dr appointment. I tried to log on, but Blogger had issues (imagine that) and then fil showed up, so I just didn't get a chance. The appointment was very "normal". Everything was fine, and we still have a heartbeat. 140's-150. I am reassured for the moment, but ask me again how I feel in about 3 weeks, when I am getting closer to the next appointment. (they have me going the usual every 4 weeks) So far, so good.

---------------------------

I have heard from some people that knew Crissi personally (you know, not internet friends) that she died from a pulminary embolism. A blood clot from her c-section. She was at her home, and some family had come over to see baby Gianna for the first time, and bring presents. Crissi was opening presents, and her dh asked her if she felt ok, and then Crissi said no, and collapsed. Just that fast. Apparently her 2 year old, TJ was there and saw the whole thing. I can hear his screams in my head. I can imagine him crying "Mommy! Mommy!" over and over. It rips my heart out.

I knew the good news wouldn't last

2006-08-08T17:48:00.000-05:00

Let me just start by saying that nothing bad has happened to me or the baby (as far as I know, I have a dr appointment in the morning).

I got some horrible, shocking news this morning. One of my online friends passed away Friday at 42 years old. We think it was a heart attack at this point. Crissi was one of the first friends in loss that I met. In those first horrific days, when Caleb's death was so new, and dh was in Iraq. I stumbled across a chatroom on one of those huge baby sites for grief and loss. I had never even noticed the chats on that site before, but needing somewhere to go, I entered. Crissi was there. She had lost her first child too. A little boy named Michael, in her second trimester. She had incompetent cervix.

Crissi was an awesome woman. She was a Jersey girl, and once a biker, still had a little of a rough edge to her. But she was also one of the most loving and compassionate people I knew. She had a baby boy in March of 2004 (days before Evan was born) and just 13 days ago, gave birth to her second living child, a baby girl. 13 days.

Her baby girl was a total surprise pg for them. Crissi had a heart condition, and pg would be very dangerous for her. Then there was her age. But she embraced the idea of being a mom again. She was monitored very closely the whole pg. When Crissi found out her baby was a girl, she talked about how sad she was that her mother (that passed away about 2 years ago) would never know her granddaughter. And now, that baby girl will never know her mother either.

Crissi's baby girl was born early by c-section, and Crissi lost alot of blood. I don't know if that extra stress on her body made things worse or not. Her baby girl was home for 5 days when Crissi died. She was surrounded by family, laughing and chatting in the living room of her home. She died on the day her c-section was originally planned.

Crissi, your friendship meant so much, and you will always be remembered. I love you, my friend.

More good news!!!

2006-08-06T20:11:00.000-05:00

Congrats to Sillyhummingbird on the safe arrival of Declan Broderick!! I couldn't be happier for you!!!

What did I do to deserve THIS?

2006-08-06T08:09:00.000-05:00

FIL is coming back up on Wednesday. And staying with us. At least dh is off, because I seriously can't deal with FIL's shit. He's supposed to stay Wednesday night, Thursday, and leave Friday morning when dh goes back to work. UGH.

At least I have a dr appointment on Wednesday, so I have something to look forward to. I could really use some reassurance. If I wasn't still so sick, I'd be completely stressed, but I am almost calm. ALMOST.

A Break for Some Good News

2006-08-04T12:41:00.000-05:00

I have been reading blogs, but not posting lately, because, really, how many times do you really want to read about some pg chick feeling shitty? I figured I would spare you all.

I do feel the need to recognize all of the good that has been going around in the blogosphere lately though.

Welcome to the world Eleanor, Natalie, and Milo!! I couldn't be happier that all 3 of you arrived safe and sound!!

Also, CONGRATS to Laura!!, Wishing you a happy, healthy 9 months!!

Finally have a few minutes

2006-07-28T08:13:00.000-05:00

Evan has started a Thomas obsession and is watching a DVD so I have a little time I think. It seems like I haven't had time to breathe the past few days, and when I do, I am either too tired or feeling too sick to post. Things are still going well (as far as I can tell) and it actually seems like the morning sickness isn't as bad as it was. I broke down and bought a few pairs of maternity pants (because all of my maternity clothes are in SC and I can't bring myself to drive 5 hours to get them for now). I know that I am going to need some maternity clothes pretty soon, and wanted to find something so I had it when I needed it. Of course the entire time I was paying for the clothes, I kept thinking how stupid I was not waiting until my next appointment because this baby could be dead, and I have no way of knowing. I hate that I can't just have that maternity shopping spree where I grab everything cute in sight and buy it right away, but at this point, I keep thinking what a waste of money that would be.......

My in laws have been here the past couple of days and since dh is working, I have had to keep them entertained, and deal with them all on my own. I put up with alot from them, and try not to complain much about the crap they pull because they spend INSANE amounts of money on us while they are here. They showed up with at least $500 worth of dishes etc for us when they got here. I have no place to put all of this stuff (and honestly didn't need any of it except for the really really nice set of knives they got us) so it's all piled on my kitchen counted for now. My ENTIRE kitchen counted. Then the day after they got here, they took Evan and I outlet shopping, where they spent probably another $500. Then they pay for us to eat out at every meal. And put gas in my van. So I try to deal with their crap and not get too annoyed, but it's REAL hard to do. The thing is, they just REALLY don't get 2 year old kids. They expect Evan to act like he is 10 years old. He isn't supposed to cry if he gets upset, or get loud in a restraunt. EVER. And if he does, they BOTH gang up on him instead of letting me deal with it. We were walking around the stores in Williamsburg, and Evan was walking while I pushed the stroller. Well we went into a store, and Evan wanted to touch things, (EXPENSIVE things) so I wanted to put him back in the stroller. Evan of course, did not like that idea. So he arched his back and was screaming (but really not that bad) and they both started hovering over me telling him not to act like that and be quiet. They don't get that if they would back off and let me get him in the stroller, he would have stopped screaming as soon as he is buckled in. I tell them to leave him alone, that he's fine and will get over it in a second, and they don't back off. And the same scene happens over and over again, just over different things.
They were mentioning last night that they might leave today, and I am kind of hoping they do. It's just too much crap for me to have to deal with while dh is working and I have no help. I just keep telling myself they will leave. I am just hoping it's sooner, rather than later.

All is Well

2006-07-14T19:33:00.000-05:00

We had our u/s today, and everything is FINE. We have a heart beat, and the baby is measuring right on track. BIG sigh of relief. When the Dr did the u/s, Evan took one look at the screen and said "BABY!!" I was blown away. We have said absolutely NOTHING to Evan about a baby. Not ONE word.

The Dr we saw today was not technically my Dr (but he is the one my next appointment happens to be with too) but I did like him. I have to meet them all at some point, so I didn't see the point in changing the appointment because my dr wasnt there today. Dh and Evan came with me (I didnt want to be alone in case the u/s went badly, and we have no babysitter, so Evan had to come too.) Evan did pretty well, for a 2 year old. He wanted to play with the u/s machine (YIKES) and he LOVED playing with the stirrups. When the dr came in though, he got shy. Dr. W came in and one of the first things out of his mouth was "So you have 2 children?" Ummm yeah, but one was stillborn. I had to point that out, and he apologized and said he really should have read the WHOLE thing before speaking. He seemed really sorry though, and since I have come to expect things like that to happen, it wasn't that big of a deal. We talked for a bit, and he wanted to know what happened to Caleb, and so I explained it to him. He wanted to know if I discovered he was gone at a dr appointment, or what, so I told him about going to the hospital in labor, and him being gone. So then he asked if that was why I was induced with Evan, and I told him it was. I asked him if he thought inducing would be ok this time too, and he said he didn't see why not. He said that he would not induce if my cervix didn't look favorable, but with my 2 previous vaginal births, he didn't think it would be a problem at all. I asked if we could do NST's too, and he said that would be fine, and that we would figure out when we would start them as time went on (but he mentioned about 34 weeks. we will see if I can hold out that long. I will be 33 weeks on Caleb's b-day, so I may need more reassurance then). I also asked him what he thought about me renting a doppler. He said I could do it, as long as I promise not to use it at 3:30am. Haha. He would rather me not bother with one until at least 20 weeks, when I can feel movement and the heart beat is easier to find, but what's the point THEN? Jeez.
He seems to think that alot of extra monitoring, like NST's is not really needed, but he is willing to do it anyway to give me peice of mind. He kept saying that NST's don't really matter, and that things can change so fast. I get that. Trust me, I do. Caleb was moving just hours before we went to the hospital that morning. He was alive when I went into labor. But the NST's got me through those last terrifying weeks when I was pg with Evan, and I want to have that with this baby if I need it.
I am feeling a little better about the whole thing for now at least. My next appointment isn't until Aug 9th, so plenty of time to freak out, but for now I am calm.

Update on J

2006-07-13T16:49:00.000-05:00

Dh said she worked last night. She did have a m/c but she told him she was ok. I don't really know anything else, just that she is disappointed, but ok with it at the same time. She also told him that she was just glad that it happened now instead of losing the baby months down the road. I'm going to try to get in touch with her this weekend.

2006-07-12T19:27:00.000-05:00

Well, I have tried to call J a couple of times and can't get ahold of her. I am guessing she went back to work (she works the same schedule with dh though, so if she is there, he will probably get to talk to her). I'm really worried about her, but there isn't much I can do.

--------------------
I am so worn out right now it's not even funny. Evan has been into EVERYTHING today. I know alot of his behavior is because I am not feeling well enough to give him the attention he wants, and I try to remember that when he does something obnoxious. Well this morning, it was non stop, pulling him out of places and things he wasn't supposed to be in or mess with. Finally around 11am, I broke out the Playdoh. I was desperate. I knew with that, I could strap him in at the dining room table, and maybe get something done around here. Worked like a charm. The big issue was putting the Playdoh away so he could eat lunch. He screamed non stop for 30 minutes.
After his nap wasn't so bad. He was still into things, but not like he was all morning. He ate his dinner without an issue. Then it was upstairs for a bath. (dh usually does baths, but since dh works overnight 2 nights a week, I get stuck with at least one bath a week.) He gets in the tub, and pees almost immediately. So I have to drain the water. I get the tub emptied, and rinsed out, and then refilled. He helps me wash him, and plays and splashes for awhile. I got him out of the tub, wrapped in a towel, and then we came downstairs to get dressed. Well as soon as I put him down, he ran off, totally naked. I let him go. Now let me just point out that he is NOT potty trained. I am sure you can see where this is going. In my dining room, there are 2 wicker cubes that I keep my scrapbooking stuff in. They are against the wall, close to the table (it's a really small area). He has been climbing on the cubes to get to stuff on the table (since there is a ton of random crap thrown up there). Again, I just let him do it, and got myself something to eat since I was feeling sick yet again. A few minutes later, he came in asking for a wipe, and I noticed something on his hands. You got it. Poop. EVERYWHERE. He stood on top of the cubes and pooped. It was down the side of them, and all over him. I grabbed him and ran him back to the tub before he could get it on anything else. I bathed him quick, and then brought him back down and put a diaper on him. Then I was off to clean up the poop. The whole time, he was trying to help me clean it up.
So now he is in bed, and I finally have a minute to myself. Thank God.

Quick Update

2006-07-11T07:26:00.000-05:00

I have been so bad about updating lately, I thought I would take advantage of Evan being glued to Little Einsteins and post. I have been feeling so bad, all day, every day, that I haven't really wanted to do anything but lay around on the couch. I jump on the computer and manage to read my emails (notice I didn't say reply to them). and maybe read a few blogs, and then it's back to the couch. I am sicker this time than I was with both boys, but still not actually throwing up. My u/s is Friday, and the nerves are not helping at all. Part of me feels like there is absolutely no reason to worry, and that this baby is growing, and has a beating heart. The other part of me wants to laugh hysterically. Why should *I* be so lucky? We will see in another 3 days.

--------------------

I got a call from my friend J last night. It was right as I was sitting down to eat (or at least attempt to) and honestly, I considered not answering the phone. When I answered, she sounded like she had a really bad cold. The first thing she asked was whether or not the army base has an urgent care center. I figured it was for her dd (she has a 15 month old) because J doesn't go to dr's. J is active duty Navy, and they are required to go to a clinic in Norfolk for EVERYTHING. (while dependents have a LITTLE more freedom, but not much) They try to keep active duty military close to their base (not their home) when it comes to medical care. It was already past 7pm, so I told her they do have an urgent care, but I was pretty sure it closed at 7. So then she says, "I think I need to go to the dr, and it might be an emergency." At that point, I realized she didn't have a cold, she had been crying. She told me that she was pg, and bleeding. Alot. She said she had major back pains, and was bleeding as heavy as a period. FUCK. She was on the pill, and she took a HPT, but it was negative. So yesterday, she took another one (since by that point, she was 4 days late) and it was a BFP. But then she started bleeding. She called the clinic she is supposed to go to (this was while she was still at work) and they told her to "call back if it got worse". I know there wasn't anything they could really do for her, but wtf is "call back if it gets worse" when she was already bleeding like a period??
So when she got home from work, she called me. I told her to go to the ER, and which hospital to go to (the one I will be delivering at). I asked her if she needed me to watch her dd, but she said her dh was coming home to get her, and they would take dd with them. I told her to call me and let me know what happened, but I haven't heard anything from her yet. This really sucks. I absolutely love J, and can't stand the thought of her losing her innocence too.

2006-07-04T20:23:00.000-05:00

I've tried to post at least 4 times in the past week, but Evan's just not letting it happen. The m/s has hit me with full force (ok not quite full force, I don't actually throw up, just feel like I am going to AT ALL TIMES.) and all I really want to do is lay around on the couch or in my bed watching tv. I watch the clock for Evan's naptime, and then again for his bedtime, so I can take a nap. The only time I feel ok is when I am sleeping.

I feel horrible for complaining. Feeling so sick IS reassuring, but let's face it, it's miserable. I wasn't able to cook the past 2 nights for dh, so he had to come home after being at work for 14 hours and make something for himself to eat. I felt so bad about it, but he didn't complain at all.

This is actually the first time he has actually been around me in the first parts of a pregnancy. Except for the m/c I had in 2000, and that was so long ago. When I was pg with Caleb and with Evan, I was still living in SC and dh was up here in VA. He was on a ship at the time, and there were times he would be gone for weeks, even months at a time. I hadn't really thought about that until now.

10 more days until my u/s. Please God, let there be a heartbeat.

First appointment

2006-06-23T20:24:00.000-05:00

I had my appointment with the nurse this morning. I was absolutely terrified. Last night, I had the tiniest pink spot when I wiped. Just that once. No cramping or anything, just that damn spot. So by the time the appointment got here this morning, I was a nervous wreck.
When I got there, I had to meet with the financial manager in the practice before anything else. (I fucking hate military insurance more and more by the minute!) I had to sign a wavier saying that my insurance only allows for one ultrasound, unless more are medically necessary. Any others will be out of pocket. Do you honestly think that THAT is going to stop me from getting a chance to see the baby and see that everything is ok?? FUCK NO. I signed the wavier. Then she went on to give me my vitamin samples, and magazines, and all of that other crap (the whole time I am thinking of how we could easily be wasting our time on a baby that isn't even going to live, and thinking of that damn spot.) She asked me if I wanted to sign up with Enfamil, and I basically told her no way in hell. Getting off of their mailing list once is more than enough for me, thank you.
So then I went back to the nurse. I told her about the spotting, and she really didn't seem to think I should be worried (and I guess I actually SHOULDN'T be) but if it came back, to call them and let them know. She got my history, which is ALWAYS fun. One thing that really bugged me is that she seemed really thrown off by stillbirth. It was like she didn't have a clue how she needed to put it in the computer. She asked several questions more than once, and just really seemed scatterbrained about it. I can't imagine that I am the ONLY one. This practice deals with high risk pg, so why would she be so thrown off. She asked all of the details of Evan's birth (date, weight, even his name) and with Caleb, she just asked how many weeks I was. That was it. I have the feeling that later on, a dr will want to know the missing info on Caleb, but that's just weird that she didn't ask today.
She drew blood, and we went through all of the papers I had been given about pregnancy (all of the basic stuff). Then I was on my way. My next appointment is July 14th, when I get my first u/s.
I don't have a plan so far, but don't really expect to have one until I see a dr at my next visit. I was given a schedule today of when I will have my appointments, but it is just the regular pg schedule. I am not sure if I will get to have NST's this time, or extra appointments, but I guess I will find out soon.
I am still not 100% happy with this practice, but it's a hell of a lot better than the alternative. I don't think it's possible to find another dr I loved as much as the one I had in SC. Now if we can just get to Febuary.......

A sigh of relief

2006-06-20T11:14:00.000-05:00

I was thinking of the dr situation last night while dh was work and I remembered something he told me. A guy that he works with just recently had a baby. His wife got to go to a civilian dr, but they had to switch their insurance plan to do it. Basically, the insurance we have now, you have to go where they tell you, but EVERYTHING is free. No copays for anything at all. It's great, until you need specialized care. The other plan, lets you go where you want, but it means co-pays, and if I am remembering right, 20% out of pocket, except for pregnancy. It pays for pg 100%. I just wasn't sure what would happen with Evan's healthcare if we switched.
So when dh got home this morning from work, I mentioned switching to him. He sounded like he was really behind it, and called the insurance company immediately. He started off asking if there was a way we could get a referral without going to the appointment at Langley first. Well, when they checked the computer, there was a referral already there! She said they had just sent a letter to us (haven't gotten it yet obviously) telling us about the referral. So she gave us a referral number so I could call and make an appointment. It's the same office I went to for my annual. It's where I would have chosen to go.
So I called the office this morning, and made my appointment. I go in for the nurses appointment FRIDAY. And my first ultrasound is July 14th.
Of course, now I get to freak out about whether or not there will actually be anything to SEE on that u/s or not. But at least the dr situation is straightened out. That's a HUGE weight off of my shoulders!

2006-06-19T12:50:00.000-05:00

Well, I managed to make an appointment at the ob clinic. July 19th. Another fucking MONTH. Of course that will put me at 9 weeks, so I guess it's not all that bad, but at the same time, it feels like a lifetime away. It's the "orientation" appointment. The receptionist told me to expect to be there at least 3 hours. WTF can we possibly need to be there for *3 hours* for? He said that they would do bloodwork while we were there, but that was really all he said. Of course I figured out the days, and dh is working on the 19th. The next available appointment when dh is off is the following week. I just can't wait ANOTHER week. There is just no way. So Angel has offered to watch Evan at her house while I am at the appointment. I told her she had no clue what she is asking for. He has never been left with a babysitter. Never. Add that to the fact that the appointment is at nap time, and she may have a huge problem on her hands.

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My in-laws were supposed to be coming to spend some time with us this week. My dh said they wanted us to reserve them a hotel room (our apartment is small, so it's more comfortable for them. Works for me since last time they stayed here, mil kept bumping my thermostat on the a/c back to *70*........and WE had to pay for it.) Well the other night, after I went to be, he jumped online and reserved a room. I had no idea he was going to do it. He told me about it the next day, and also told me he put it on our debit card. Then he tells me what hotel it was. He didn't know where the hotel was, but reserved it anyway. It was NOT in a place where you would WANT to stay. So he tried to cancel the room. And they tried to charge our account the full price of the room + $25 + taxes. I was furious. There is no way we can afford an extra $100+ from our bank account. So we just left it alone, and figured if his parents got there, and didn't like the room, they could cancel it themselves. This morning, his mom called. They aren't coming. The reservation has to be cancelled. She is sending us the money, but OMG I am furious about the whole thing.

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The glass people were here earlier to fix the crack in the windsheild on the van. The crack spread when he tried to fix it. The whole windsheild now needs to be replaced before I can get the inspection done on the van. When I called the insurance company back to tell her to change the claim, she actually said to me "I have never heard of that happening." I asked what she meant, and she said she had never heard of the crack getting worse when they tried to fix it. She knew it COULD happen, just hadn't ever heard from someone that had it happen to them. Glad to be the first.

Can I panic NOW?

2006-06-18T21:07:00.000-05:00

I managed to find this site about the AFB's ob clinic, and I am sick to my stomach. I really can't tell you how strongly I feel about NOT going there.

"Orientation class:Enrollment class is held by appointment. You will be told where and at what time the class will be held. At this class you will start your prenatal records, receive prenatal vitamins, and your Tuberculosis test request form. You will receive information on nutrition, emotional and physical changes related to pregnancy and infant care. The class will last at least 3 hours. "

This has to be before my first appointment. Before I ever even get seen by a dr. *3 hours*??? WTF???

It also says something about most appointments being about 15 minutes long. So basically it sounds like you are rushed.

And THIS is the one that REALLY worries me.

"***Please leave your suitcase in your car until after delivery- there is very limited space in the labor area "

Of course this is all assuming that I actually HAVE this baby, but still, the thought of all of this makes me sick to my stomache. How the hell do I get out of THIS one?

2006-06-18T19:40:00.000-05:00

Dh is working over night tonight. Happy Father's day, right? He spent most of the day sleeping so he can stay up all night, and when he got up, Evan was taking his nap.

I took Evan to the park this morning to meet my friend Angel and her dd. We decided to go early before it got too hot, or crowded, and walk the one mile track, then let the kids play. It was so nice to be out of the house. And I am sure Evan agreed. (of course someone has been to the park with cans of spraypaint and painted on almost every peice of equipment there is, including a HUGE "I fuck livestock" on the beautiful brick walkway. Thank God Evan can't read yet.) Angel is also a military wife, and her dh is stationed at the Air Force base I am supposed to go to for ob appointments. I got to find out a few things about it, and I am not so sure I like what I have learned. First off, she said that every time she went, they had always lost her records, so she told me to keep copies of everything. Great. Just what I want. I get to explain about having a m/c and about Caleb at EVERY appointment. She also told me that I will deliver at the AFB if I stay with that ob clinic. The issue with THAT is, if they are full, you have to go somewhere else. And they are apparently, usually full. Not to mention, they are at least 30 minutes away.

I really don't know what to think. I had an ob in SC who was in a practice ALONE. I knew all five of the people (including her) that worked in her office, and they all knew me (and what happened to Caleb). I just don't think I can handle seeing a different person every time I go to a dr. How will I ever trust the care I am getting from any of them, when it really doesnt seem like a priority? I call tomorrow to try to get an appointment (again) and I guess we go from there, but I just really can't stand all of this uncertainty. Hopefully I will know more tomorrow.