Saturday, May 07, 2005

Jumping on the bandwagon, I guess.....

So here I am jumping on the blogging bandwagon. Who would have thought. I am not even totally sure anyone will ever even read this, but what the heck, right?? So I guess I should tell you (assuming of course that anyone is reading this) a little about myself and my life. I am 27 years old, have been married to my husband for 5 and a half years now, and have 2 children, but one is in heaven. Our first son, Caleb was stillborn at term due to a cord accident while I was in the early stages of labor in January of 2003. Since the devastating loss of Caleb, we have had a wonderful, healthy, vibrant little boy named Evan. Evan will be 14 months old on Monday, and he is my salvation. He is what makes it worth getting up every day. He makes my heart smile when I thought that it would never be possible for that to ever happen again.

This blog is just going to be my place to vent. Being an Angel's mom sucks. My son never took a breath, but I can assure you he is very much real, and very much still a part of my life. Thing is, in the "real" world, that is just not accepted. I had another son, therefore Caleb has been replaced. So I should be "over it". Well it just does NOT work that way. If your mother died, would you just go get a new one and then be all better? My Doctor put it this way shortly after Caleb died, "He wasn't a couch, you can't just go buy another. He is your CHILD." Why is it that other people don't get that?

This blog will probably also have alot to do with my living son also. I am truely blessed to have Evan and I cherish him more then anything else in this world. I look at him sometimes and I am just so overwhelmed. It seems like he's just a dream, like he can't possibly be mine. I am overwhelmed by the love I feel for him. And at the same time I am brokenhearted that his big brother is not here with him. Each new thing that Evan learns to do is one more thing that we never got to see Caleb do, and that is hard to swallow at times. We try as hard as we can not to let Evan see our heart ache. It's not fair to him and we won't ever let him think he is living in a shadow.

I guess maybe I have rambled enough for now. I am going to try to keep this updated and if nothing else have a place to vent my feelings to myself. Maybe I will be able to sort through the anger and bitterness I have had in my life for the last 28 months since our son was taken from us. Maybe I can make someone else see that they are not alone in their feelings since losing THEIR son. Maybe......


At 9:20 PM, Blogger Anna said...

Oh, honey, I know what you mean! I feel like people have forgotten the baby I lost. People keep talking about "when you ahve your first.." I want to tell them my first baby died...its my second child I am currently trying to conceive. I am so sorry for your loss. Thanks for sharing this site on FF...Lots of hugs to you. Enjoy your son and hold him close. You, above many others, know how lucky you are to have him. God bless you! Anna


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