Saturday, May 07, 2005

I know I know, I just posted

Ok so I know I just posted a few hours ago, but what else should I do? My husband is at work (he works nights 2 days out of 4) and Evan is in bed, and it's quiet. Maybe too quiet. I hate nights. I have hated nights since Caleb died. You have way too much time to think, and sometimes your mind goes bad places. Tomorrow's Mother's Day too. That doesn't help at all. Billy (my husband) got me flowers, and he remembered to put both boy's names on them, but holidays mean nothing to me anymore. I can't explain it really, but if you have also lost a child, you might somewhat understand.

Did I mention we just moved here about a month ago?? Guess I didn't. We used to live in South Carolina. I lived about 5 minutes (maybe less) from my mom. Now we live in Virginia. DH is in the Navy and stationed up here. He's been here for 3 years and used to commute back and forth to SC on his days off, but we finally bit the bullet and moved so we could finally live as a family. It sucks. I guess it wouldn't be so bad if he never went to work. I hate being this alone. And I hate that I can't really admit that I am feeling this way. I can't say how I am honestly feeling because if I do, someone might worry. I am not supposed to feel this way. At least that is how everyone else acts. The thing is, when we lived in SC, I could jump in the car and go to Caleb's grave any time I felt the need. Now he's 5 hours away. Now I know he is not actually there. I know that it's just a place, but wow I wish I could go there. It's so hard with him being so far away even though I know that my mom is taking good care of his grave. It's just not the same.

Someone emailed this to me, so I thought I would post it here:

Reflections of a Mother's Day Denied
by Michelle Parrish, Columbia TCF Chapter, Baltimore, MD:

On this, my first Mother's Day, I asked myself, Do I have the right to
celebrate Mother's Day? Have I truly been a mother this past year? The answer
is yes.

Each day I have cared for my child as every mother does, except differently.
In every way possible I have mothered him.

I have mothered him with every tear shed; through the agony of longing to
hold him. I have rocked him in my heart if not in my arms. I have kissed his
little cheeks in my mind if not with my lips. Smelled his sweetness with my
hopes if not my nose. Felt his skin with my memory, if not my hands. Tickled
him with my wishes, if not with my fingers.

Am I a mother? I truly am. My physical mothering has been limited to lovingly
tending his grave. But I am a mother all the same.

Thinking of all us moms this weekend, and always,

Cathy Seehuetter - Lisa, Amy, Dan and angel Nina's mom forever

Oh how blessed I am to have my sweet, precious Evan here to hold tomorrow.

Wishing you all a gentle Mother's Day.


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