Church
Mother's day wasn't too bad here. Dh had to work overnight, but he still got up early so we could go to church. We had been living here for 2 years and never bothered to visit the church here until a couple of weeks ago. I still have alot of doubts when it comes to God, but I do know that the church environment will be good for my kids, so I am willing to go, and hopefully sort things out with God myself. This was only our second visit to this church, so we really don't know many people. Of course with it being Mother's day, everyone that came up to me wished me a happy mother's day, which was fine. But at one point Evan was still back in his class, and I had someone ask me if this was my first mother's day. I just kind of laughed and said it was my 4th. (5th if I had known I was pg with Caleb sooner) Then of course I also had people ask if she was my first child.
I hate that question. I hate those few seconds where I have to decide if I want an akward moment, or THAT LOOK of pity, or if I want to not include Caleb and then have to feel guilty about it afterwards. I am TIRED of that moment. I am tired of people looking at my family, seeing my living boy, and baby girl, and saying we have the perfect family. I don't think we could get much farther from perfect. I adore my children, and they do TRUELY make me happy, but it's all so bittersweet. I can deal with the bittersweet, but there are just times when it is absolutely crushing.
It ended up where I haven't actually told anyone at this church yet that we have lost a child. The preacher and his wife always make home visits to the visitors that come to their church, and we are supposed to have them over next week (we didn't have to do this of course, but I thought it might not be such a bad idea) and I am sure it will all come out then, and I am nervous about that. I hate that my son feels like this secret that has to be hidden sometimes.
And I hate having to miss him so much.
posted by Julie @ 7:10 AM
3 comments
3 Comments:
Tough question. I have always given the superficial answer in superficial situations. Obviously, if anyone is going to have a meaningful relationship with me it will come out. Good to share Caleb's story with your pastor so s/he knows your WHOLE family. My denomination--Episcopal would consider Caleb a member of the church--as part of the communion of saints--still.
It would probably surprise the "uninitiated" to know the dread that certain events and questions can immediately conjure up in our souls. When someone asks us about our children, we have to decide every single time how to handle the question. For the rest of our lives we will have to make this decision. Invariably, someone is shortchanged in the exchange. Either the person leaves with THAT LOOK or you have to struggle with not telling them. It is the hardest struggle for me - it is such a day to day problem. Mother's Day comes but once a year, but smalltalk accosts you from all directions.
I hope that your visit with your pastor proves fruitful. I also have my doubts re: God's place in all this. I meet with my priest tomorrow. Hopefully, she and I can get someplace with all of my hurts. I would like to have a sense of unshakeable faith...
I also hate that feeling of "hiding" C. He should be celebrated, not hidden... but we don't live in that society. Sigh...
((((((hugs))))))) I hate the question too...and it will always be there.
Yes, i think it is a good idea to tell your pastor when he comes over. That is really nice, too, that they make those home visits. It is a good opportunity to share Caleb with them...
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