Sunday, May 20, 2007

On the outside looking in

I feel like a stalker, or a peeping tom, or something equally creepy. I have spent entirely too much time on myspace today, looking for people I went to school with. Honestly, I really didn't like them when I was IN school, but I was curious to see who was on there. I was not exactly in the "in" crowd. Actually, I was about as far from it as you could get. I had green hair at one point, wore combat boots, and lots of black. We did alot of experimenting with drugs, and just didn't give a crap about anything. I had a small group of friends, but we were REALLY close. We graduated highschool, and we stayed friends. But then things changed.
Things always change, that's normal. People's lives move on, they have kids, get into serious relationships, move away. The thing is, I came across one of those friends on myspace today. So I checked out his friends list. It seemed like they were ALL on his list. All of my old friends, still in this little group, all linked together. Without me.
I am not totally sure why this really bugs me so much. I honestly dont even like these people anymore. Even the one that stood in the corner of the hospital room when Caleb was born. I don't WANT them to be my friends anymore. But I do. I know the reason I am left out. It's not because I am now married to a sailor (conformist!) and it's not that I have KIDS (more than one have kids of their own).
I am not in that circle because I have a DEAD kid. And I wouldn't "stop living in the past and focus on what I have now". (and I hold grudges) It's just one more reminder that I am NOT that person anymore (not that I really want to be completely that person) and that my life is so different from theirs. And yet another reason it's all so damn unfair.


At 7:16 AM, Blogger Maggie said...

It's hard feeling left out. As someone who's always felt a bit on the margins, I definitely feel your pain. And as someone who also has a dead kid, I doubly feel your pain. Spending time on networking pages doesn't make you a stalker, or at least not more of one than anyone else--that's why facebook etc. exist!Hugs from this stranger.

At 7:31 AM, Blogger kate said...

Yes, i agree, it is hard to be left out, even if you don't really want to be 'in'. Unfair. ((((((hugs)))))

At 6:55 PM, Blogger vixanne wigg said...

Oh man. I really know where you're coming from these days!!!!!!


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