Tuesday, August 30, 2005

Just waiting on a call from a dr's office. I finally found one that accepts our insurance, but the girl I talked to wasn't sure if they were taking new patients. The person who handles new patient info was in a meeting and so they are supposed to call me back. I'm not hopeful.

I am trying to decide if ttc right now is really such a good idea. The truth is, dh and I are having problems. I think it is mostly his unhappiness in general, but I also know that I am not innocent. He has mentioned councelling, but I don't know if that's the answer either. I have no intentions of leaving, and am nowhere near as unhappy as he thinks I am. Part of the issue is that he thinks that he is the reason I am not happy. I have tried and tried to tell him that that is just not the case. Part of my unhappiness is being in a different town with absolutely no friends. And of course alot of it is not having both of my boys here with me. I tried to explain to him that certain things cannot be fixed (my unhappiness about not having Caleb here) and that it is in no way a reflection of him. He keeps saying sometimes he thinks I would be happier if he left me. WTF is THAT supposed to mean??? He just kind of sprung alot of stuff on me that I never expected. I knew things were not perfect, but after talking to him the last 2 nights, I just don't know what is going on. I truely do believe alot of it IS his work situation, but I think we need to really figure that out before we decide if we want to bring another baby into the situation. I really could be over reacting though.

I think Evan is almost finished with lunch. We were upstairs cleaning up some earlier, and I was going through his clothes and trying to figure out what he will need for fall, and I came across one of the pairs of shoes I got him to grow into. They are the cutest little leather keds with stitching on them to make them look like baseballs. Anyway, I tried them on him, and they fit, so I don't need to get him any shoes. The funny thing was that he is so used to wearing sandals, that he couldn't walk in them!! It was absolutely hilarious. He looked like a little drunk wobbling all over the place. He got used to them pretty quick though, so I am just thrilled that I won't have to buy shoes for awhile.


At 11:33 AM, Blogger vixanne wigg said...

Counseling may not be a bad idea. Did you have any after you lost Caleb? Did DH? I think in some ways it is harder for guys because they try to stay strong for you when they are just as upset inside. Maybe it would help to get everything out there.

At 11:46 AM, Blogger Julie said...

Nope, we never had counseling. He was deployed to Iraq 2 days after Caleb's funeral, and our only real "talking" was through email for 6 months. Then he came back, and we immediately got pg with Evan. We didn't really live together until March of this year when I moved up here, so we kind of got used to living our seperate lives. (he came down to SC to be with us when he was off work, and then drove back up to VA when he was working) I guess we got so used to being apart that we dont really know what to do when we are together. He wants things to be the same as they were when we first got married, but he doesn't understand that things change when you have a child, and change even more when you have a child die. I know part of it is MY fault (I am not as affectionate as I should be) and I am trying to make an effort to really fix things. I hope we can do it without counselling, but we will just see I guess.

At 11:56 AM, Blogger Lola said...

Hi There

So sorry you're going through a tough time with DH. AT least he's talking. That's a good sign; so many of them clam up!

I hope it gets better soon.

At 12:27 PM, Blogger Sarah said...

I agree with lola... talking is a good sign. Therapy might help if both of your were willing to open up with the therapist. Sorry you aren't in the best place with each other right now.

At 1:25 PM, Blogger Lorem ipsum said...

If he's not around to go to a counselor, go on your own. The military may have a program for free or cut-rate counseling. Look into it, please. You've had a lot go on, and having someone to walk you through it is very necessary.

It's just an hour. Please look into it.

At 4:54 PM, Blogger Jill said...

I really think it might be a good idea if you could get a little outside help to - as Eve put it - walk you through this time.

Your own account of how things panned out after Caleb's death must have left so much undealt with.

You deserve all the happiness and stability in the world. Counselling or not, I hope you two are able to talk it through and get some understanding of each other's true feelings:)

I'm really sorry you are going through this tough time ((hugs))

At 4:56 PM, Blogger Catherine said...

Sounds like he wants to fix things. Typical man. It's very hard for them to understand that they can't DO something to make it better. He probably thinks he's failed you somehow by not being able to "make" you happy. He doesn't understand that it's just gonna take time and love.

I think counseling may be a good idea...together or alone. If nothing else, a counselor could give you some practical coping methods that might help.

Yay about the shoes! I love it when stuff like that happens.

At 5:28 PM, Blogger lauralu said...

i don't think counseling is something to try to do without, especially if you have any coverage for it. it's not a last resort. if it is, it may not be able to do any good. i hope you consider it.

At 5:53 PM, Blogger Kathy McC said...

I agree with everything said here. Just wanted to say I am sorry you're having a hard time...hope things get better soon. ((hugs))


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