Friday, May 12, 2006

After being told over and over again how wonderful my chart looked, I couldn't help but get my hopes up. I broke down and tested, eventhough the soreness in my boobs was gone, and my temp dipped a little today, I couldn't help myself. I POAS. And got yet another BFN. I knew better.

I am tired of being crushed each month. I am tired of having my hopes up, just to have them shattered again and again. I am tired of seeing BFP after BFP from everyone else (a good friend of mine got a BFP today. Her first month off BCP, and she has PCOS on top of that. I couldn't be happier for her though) I am tired of having people say "It's still early, don't give up hope". Message board after message board, "It's not over" "It's still early" etc etc etc. I want to scream at all of them. "Stop fucking patronizing me!!" I know they mean well, but I am tired of hearing it, month after month.

I went back to look at my charts to see exactly when I went off BCP. I started charting June 30th of last year. A month longer than I was thinking (I was thinking it was July). I have gotten pg the first month not preventing *3* times now, so why the fuck is it taking so long now?? I know that a year is really not that long. There are so many that go MUCH longer. I KNOW that, but it doesn't help the way I feel.

I have an appointment for a pap on June 5th. I was so hoping I would be pg by the time that appointment got here. I don't know where we go from here. This new practice I will be going to does handle infertility, but not without a referral, so I don't know what all will be involved in getting one. I guess from this point, I will go to the appointment, and bring up the fact that we have been ttc for a year, and see what the dr says. I am completely freaked out, not knowing comes next. Any advise?

8 Comments:

At 8:48 PM, Blogger Kathy McC said...

I wish I had some decent advice...I am sorry you're having to deal with all of the cliches that come with this. And I am sorry for the BFN.

Hope Evan's eye is better soon. Poor guy.

(((hugs)))

 
At 9:03 PM, Blogger lauralu said...

i don't have any advice, but i'm sorry things are so frustrating. you deserve better.

 
At 2:26 AM, Blogger Treggles said...

So sorry.

 
At 7:24 AM, Blogger kate said...

No advice here either....perhaps the doctor can help though. I am glad you got the appointment....i am sorry, i am sending you ((((((hugs))))))))

 
At 10:51 AM, Blogger Lola said...

I'm sorry. That just sucks.

 
At 3:48 PM, Blogger delphi said...

Solidarity, sister! A year is not 365 days, it is eternity. Each month is a short trip to hell and back. And you get better at fooling yourself all the time. One more week 'til I know if I am fooling myself again.

 
At 3:57 PM, Blogger delphi said...

Crap, I should have read your whole post more clearly. Advice - take in all your charts (be prepared to walk the doctor through them, too, since s/he won't understand), make sure you get an HSG and sperm analysis as soon as possible, tell her/him about the emotional stress that this is causing you, and tell them you want to pursue action (probably a referral to a reproductive endocrinologist). Then you will hopefully be pregnant before the letter from the RE comes. In a nutshell, that is the course of action I have been following and it is keeping me sane.

 
At 5:32 PM, Blogger MB said...

I hear ya there. There's a IVF board that I started lurking on because one of the prerequisites is that there is none of that shit allowed.

 

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