After being told over and over again how wonderful my chart looked, I couldn't help but get my hopes up. I broke down and tested, eventhough the soreness in my boobs was gone, and my temp dipped a little today, I couldn't help myself. I POAS. And got yet another BFN. I knew better.

I am tired of being crushed each month. I am tired of having my hopes up, just to have them shattered again and again. I am tired of seeing BFP after BFP from everyone else (a good friend of mine got a BFP today. Her first month off BCP, and she has PCOS on top of that. I couldn't be happier for her though) I am tired of having people say "It's still early, don't give up hope". Message board after message board, "It's not over" "It's still early" etc etc etc. I want to scream at all of them. "Stop fucking patronizing me!!" I know they mean well, but I am tired of hearing it, month after month.

I went back to look at my charts to see exactly when I went off BCP. I started charting June 30th of last year. A month longer than I was thinking (I was thinking it was July). I have gotten pg the first month not preventing *3* times now, so why the fuck is it taking so long now?? I know that a year is really not that long. There are so many that go MUCH longer. I KNOW that, but it doesn't help the way I feel.

I have an appointment for a pap on June 5th. I was so hoping I would be pg by the time that appointment got here. I don't know where we go from here. This new practice I will be going to does handle infertility, but not without a referral, so I don't know what all will be involved in getting one. I guess from this point, I will go to the appointment, and bring up the fact that we have been ttc for a year, and see what the dr says. I am completely freaked out, not knowing comes next. Any advise?