I Hate the Doppler

I have tried to come post a couple of times, but Blogger just wouldn't let me. Don't ya just love it?

Anyway, I knew better than to mention the lack of bleeding or spotting, because as soon as I did, it started again. It hasn't gotten worse, so it really doesn't worry me much. I think it annoys me more than anything else.

I got the doppler Wednesday, and found the hb IMMEDIATELY. Found it immediately on Thursday too. Friday night when I checked, I couldn't find it. I thought I heard it for a second, but I am not totally sure. I know I heard movement though (I even double checked the cd that came with the doppler to make sure that was movement that I heard). I was scared, but it was Friday night, so there wasnt much I could do. I convinced myself that the baby has just changed position and went to bed (and had wonderful dreams of dead babies). The next morning I checked for the hb again, and couldn't find it. I am not sure I heard movement either. It could have been because the baby was asleep, or it could be because the baby is gone. FUCK.

I haven't touched the doppler since. I am not sure I will. I am strongly considering just sending the damn thing back. I don't see the point in checking for the hb again today because honestly, if it's too late, it's too late, and there is nothing anyone can do. I am nervous about the whole thing, but not terrified. I don't really have a feeling of dread, and I dont feel like it's all over at this point, but I could be so horribly wrong. I just can't get that out of the back of my head. It could be too late.

I really thought that maybe this pg would be different. I was so scared the entire time with Evan. I guess I thought I would be able to be more positive this time since I have managed to have one living baby, but I think this time might be worse. This just totally sucks.