On Anger
Recent posts over at Everything Is Under Control got me thinking about anger. Actually, it's something I had been thinking of anyway, but I finally decided to blog about it. The truth is, I still have anger. And LOTS of it. I have realized that I can't deal with pregnant women. I had my annual not too long ago, and when I pulled into the parking lot at the ob/gyn's office there was a very pg woman getting into her Suburban with her ENTIRE family (the grandparents and all). The thing is, I hated that woman. Yes, I know, I DON'T know what she has been through. She could have a "history" and it could have taken her years of ttc to finally get to be pg. I am WELL aware of that. We all know loss happens with shocking frequency, and infertility is a very real issue for so many people, but it's hard to sit in ob waiting rooms and listen to the conversations, and the optimistic conversations. The fluffy pregnancy talk STILL infuriates me, even with 2 successful subsequent pregnancies.
One of the guys dh works with is about to have his first child (his wife is due on the 27th) and eventhough I have never met him, I HATE him. I hate that him and his wife get the end of pregnancy excitement and anticipation. I hate that chances are, they aren't thinking of their baby dying at any moment. I hate that they aren't terrified. And I hate myself for hating them.
I don't want to be this bitter. It's not something I can just stop doing. I don't want any of these people to lose a baby. It's not that, but I don't want to be alone. I don't want to be the only person who was completely blindsided by my perfectly healthy, full term baby dying. I KNOW I am not alone when I think rationally, but none of this is rational at all.
So, yeah, I would say I am still angry. Even 4 and a half years later.
posted by Julie @ 8:30 PM
5 comments
5 Comments:
Well, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but I am relieved to hear you still have anger. I wonder about myself sometimes. I am still very angry, and when I have days or weeks where I don't feel the anger for a bit, I think I have dealt with it, and then.....something gets unleashed. I feel all the anger and realize I am still quite p***ed off. At what or who, I can't quite say, just angry that this is my life. My husband is no longer angry and he is my main basis of comparison. so, thank you for being honest about your anger.
I'm bitter and jealous, but I can't say that I ever actually feel angry. But I think anger can be very helpful and, in many, many ways, I wish I felt more the way you do.
Bitter is bad, but i don't know exactly how to let it go. I think i do fairly well but it does reappear to certain triggers. For example, my neighbor was so blase about her recent u/s...the assumption that all would be fine from now really steamed me (she was 10 weeks). Even though obviously i am hoping & praying that she brings a baby home...but then i feel bad, these are such ugly feelings.
I find it very difficult to congratulate anyone at any stage of their pregnancies. You and I went through all the milestones to a full term pg and it still turned out so very badly. So even in the run up to the last days, I can only think, "well it could still happen". I guess it's not anger or bitterness, but more "never be optimistic until you have the live baby in your arms". I think of pregnancy and birth as dangerous times for mother and child now.
I'm still angry, too. It's ok to be angry /chances are you will be angry for the rest of your life. It will just take on different forms. I have come to realize that that's ok. I can't be around twin babies. I just can't. I hate that about me, but I can't. It was awful when I was thinking about my friend a few years ago, who nothing bad had every happened to. She was 39 weeks pregnant and was TOTALLY the fluffy bunny mommy pregnant lady. I remember having the thought, "What would she do if her baby was stillborn?"
When I got the call that her baby was stillborn on her due date I felt ill. For months I thought that maybe I had somehow caused it.
All this to say, these emotions are really tough, you know? I know our situations are different, but I certainly identify. I have several friends going to see the gender of the baby soon. You know, the big ultrasound. I want to yell, "Well, make sure the head is closed, and the intestines aren't hang out, and that it's still alive!"
Of course I don't say that. But I will always think it. And I think that's what makes me feel more of a connection with other moms who have experienced traumatic loss.
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