Thursday, May 12, 2005

Really gotta get a life!

Ok so I have never exactly been the social butterfly. I had a very small group of friends in school, and let's face it, we were NOT the cool ones. We were the "freaks" with the blue hair and the leather jackets. So I am USED to not fitting in. So why is it that this life of greiving for my son is so different? Why is THIS isolation different then what we had at school? Maybe because this wasn't a CHOSEN isolation. We intentionally distanced ourselves in school. We all hated it there and were just doing our time. But now I am "doing my time" as a "bereaved parent". That's my title now. Nice isn't it? I guess its better then being called a freak, (among many other names) but I still FEEL like a freak. People still look at me with that look. They pity me. I am that poor woman who's baby died. I am that woman that is stuck in the past and that won't "move on".

At least since we have moved and no one knows me that looks have stopped. That's a plus. But here I have NO one. I have never been good at making friends, always REALLY shy. And now to top the shyness off, I am pretty sure I have social anxiety (remember the commercials for zoloft with the cowering little circle, then he takes the zoloft and he's all social and happy and bouncing along??) and to top that off, I am pretty sure I still have a certain amount of depression. It takes all the courage I have to go ANYWHERE alone. So how do I go up to people and become their friend??

I am not totally sure how my life ended up here. I wouldnt change having either of my kids for anything in this world. The one thing I would change is that Caleb would be HERE with us. But I can't change that, and this is the life I have been chosen for. Gee, Thanks.


At 8:08 PM, Blogger Jill said...


I have moved around a LOT since high school and can rarely be bothered with the whole making friends thing. It's hard and you might pick the wrong person.

However, for my daughters'sakes my strategy is this: come up with the perfect social butterfly scenario. Pick a place or a situation. Think of some air headed chit chat. Get myself and the kids dressed and ready and get in the car and go to the place. At this point totally dissociate. Any fears/paranoia are banned for an hour or two. Do the deed. Go home. Sit down and breathe again. Do it again next week.

I made some wonderful friends this way. Also some awful mistakes. It's hard when you are broken...


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