Thursday, December 01, 2005

Fuck

I know, I know, not the nicest title for a blog entry, but I just have no other words. We finally got copies of the pictures my fil took when they were up here this summer. We went to Williamsburg for the day, and well fil went nuts with the disposeable camera. Honestly, most of the pics are BAD. But there is this one pic of Dh, Evan and I that isn't bad at all (and I HATE pics of me) and another pic of Evan sitting on a Thomas Jefferson statue. So today, I went grocery shopping, and while I was out I bought a cute little frame that both of the pictures will fit in. A cute little frame with wonderful pictures of my family. And then it hit me. FUCK.

It's NOT my family. How the hell can I put these pictures in this frame and hang them on my wall? How can I do it? This is so wrong. I hate this so much. How can framing a fucking picture be made into such a big deal? But it IS a big deal. Caleb isn't in it. Caleb is not there. Caleb never will be. If we want a picture of Caleb, we go back to the one roll of film we have. ONE ROLL. No smiles. No happy faces. No open eyes.

So how do I hang a picture of a happy day in Williamsburg with the family when someone SO important isn't there? God I miss him.

3 Comments:

At 3:18 AM, Blogger Jill said...

I think "fuck" is definitely the right word here. It's the best word I can think of to respond to you too. So "fuck" and a great big hug:(

 
At 8:19 AM, Blogger Kathy McC said...

((((hugs))))

 
At 6:29 PM, Blogger Catherine said...

You know, that always catches me off guard...the overwhelming sadness mixed with the anger and the astonishment. How do you just "move on?" and act like everything is hunky-dory? It's not...and "fuck" is about the only word I can come up with that has enough emphasis to express how it feels.

I hope you're able to see the beauty in the picture you have. It's not complete and it never will be. But what's there is a miracle. So try to treasure that and hang that picture with love...for who is in it and for who is missing.

 

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