Saturday, February 18, 2006

How Things Have Changed

In light of my last post, I came to a couple of realizations. They aren't really NEW to me, I have figured all of this out before, but I guess I am remembering them now. I have lost absolutely everyone but my family (and what choice did they really have but to keep me) and my husband. That's it. Oh, wait, I have one friend I had before my life was so drastically changed, but she lives 7 hours away. And the thing is, I am not the only one this has happened to. I am not alone at all.
The second thing is, the people that I meet now don't know who I was. They don't know how life was before Caleb. They don't know how drastically different I was. What a weird thought.
I also thought about the fact that these new people in my life have no way of knowing Caleb ever existed unless I TELL them. They don't know I have a gaping hole in my heart.
So this is the thing, how do I make these new people begin to get it, when, obviously, I failed to even get the people that HELD Caleb to understand. Boy, I don't have a chance, do I?
I do understand that those people that haven't been through it, don't get it. I just hate that that means the the ones that HAVE been through it have to suffer even MORE than they already are. Just like you said Lorem, left with no babies, and no friends. How the hell did we end up being the ones chosen for this???

3 Comments:

At 12:58 PM, Blogger Sarah said...

I'm still waiting to see what happens with my friends, my relationships with them. Right now there are really only one or two people who i feel very close to any more. I just don't have the desire to get past the awkwardness. I don't really talk to many people in my office any more because they are too busy talking about all the living babies of the last 8 montsh. Almost no one I know talked to me about Kate or said her name more than in the first few weeks after she died. I'm losing my desire to repair those relationships.

 
At 2:39 AM, Blogger Anam Cara said...

I could have written this post because it is how I feel too. Most of my friendships have changed and several has been lost or severed altogether because of Thomas' death. It is hard to remain friends when people who knew the old you don't know or 'get' the "new" you. I don't know how to make people "get" it, they have to be that way already, ie. very empathetically inclined, or they're not. If there not, then usually the relationship ends. I think Sarah summed it up really well too in her comment.
And with regards to meeting new people, who don't know what happened unless I tell them, I have been using that as a sort of barometer or guide for deciding whether or not we could be friends. Their reaction usually tells me all I need to know about them, and I have noticed the last few months, it seems to be working okay, as I have became closer to a few moms whose children are friendly with my daughter (from play group of or other activities) because they seem to 'get' (as much as someone can who hasn't lived through it). If they say something cliched or trite then I know I wouldn't to get to kow them better anyway. I agree, it sucks that this is our new reality. (((hugs)))

 
At 12:28 AM, Blogger the ockers said...

Yes, most of my friends bolted too. I really understand what your revelation is all about. I live that too.

 

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