Tuesday, January 31, 2006

Don't know how much more I can take

Dh is sick. Now Evan is too. Evan started off ok today, but all he wanted to do was lay on the couch and watch tv. He didn't even want his breakfast. Then around 11, he sneezed, and that started the runny nose. Poor little guy. He looks like he feels SO bad. Hopefully his nap will help him feel a little better.

I think I may have to step away from one of my message boards I post on. It's a group of mom's with March 2004 babies. I really like getting advise, and seeing what the other kids Evan's age are going through, but here is the problem. Most of them have just had, or are about to have their second babies. Now all of a sudden, the discussion seems to be how the toddlers are adjusting to the new siblings. It rips my heart out with each new post. I know alot of people think when they have their subsequent baby that that sub baby would not be here if they had not lost the first one. Alot of cases, that is the truth, but I still think that even if Caleb had lived, we would still have Evan. He was a post deployment baby. I have the feeling that we still would have gotten pg when dh came back from Iraq. Which brings me to one of the reasons this new group of babies is killing me. Each time I hear about the jealousy issues, or how much their toddler loves to help, etc. it reminds me YET AGAIN of how CHEATED we were. I didn't get to worry about how Caleb would deal with the new baby. I didn't get to see if he would hug and kiss on the new baby, or if he would throw himself on the floor in a tantrum when I was busy nursing Evan and he wanted my attention. I know, every second of every day that we were cheated. We missed out on SO MUCH, but now this message board REMINDS me of it on a daily basis, and I can't deal with that.

Then of course, there is the second reason I can't deal with it. These women all got pg within a few months of ttc. And here I sit, 8 months later, still not pg. I am not even PART of the way there. It's not that I am not happy for these women. I have become very close with some of them, and they have been awesome to me, and I am truely happy for them, but damn it, when is it MY turn? When will I ever get a chance to see those reactions between 2 children of MY OWN??

4 Comments:

At 7:20 PM, Blogger Kathy McC said...

I am so sorry you're going through this. (((hugs))) Hope everyone's on the mend soon.

 
At 8:35 PM, Blogger kate said...

(((((((hugs)))))))) It's miserable when they are sick, and when you are sick....hope it goes away soon.

Yes, step away from that board, ma'am. Put it down, nice and slow, hands in the air, and back away...

;)

 
At 1:44 PM, Blogger R said...

my heart aches with you, it literally aches.

i am praying so hard that our time is coming.

sounds like the board isn't healthy for you right now.

Rach

 
At 1:44 PM, Blogger R said...

*our = your

 

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