Monday, January 30, 2006

Thought I would update since I haven't in awhile. This weekend wasn't too bad. We went shopping yesterday to try to find Evan some new shoes and do some window shopping before our tax money gets here. We went to Old Navy because I need some jeans, and the place was crawling with pg women. Pg women trying on size XS maternity pants. I hate them. I am having a hard time with the fact that we still aren't pg. I knew it wouldn't always be so easy for us. We were always pg on the first try (for 3 times). The problem wasn't ever getting pg, it was staying pg, and having a living baby. So here we are on the 8th month of not using BCP and I am still not pg. I know it could be so much worse, but the truth is, it's bringing me down anyway. When we left the mall, there was a woman getting in a van, and she could barely move. On the side of the van it said "Welcome Konner" so obviously she had just had a baby. Most likely a c-section. Once she finally got into the van and they drove off, I could see on the back window "It's a boy x2!! 1-21-06" And you guessed it, I hate them too. I hate them for being so totally happy. I hate them because it all worked out for them. And I KNOW that I don't know their whole story. I know that it could have taken them years of infertility, or recurrent m/c or stillbirth to get those 2 boys, but they just SEEM so happy. Don't get me wrong, I was the happiest person on earth when Evan was born, but I will never get that complete happiness. I never GOT that complete happiness. My first baby died.
Dh gets annoyed with me because I am so bitter sometimes. I don't LIKE being bitter. I can't help the way I feel though. I would do anything in this world to have both of my boys IN my van. Instead I have a pg and infant loss awareness ribbon on the back of my van.


At 12:44 PM, Blogger Bekki said...

((hugs)) I'm sorry. I never know the right words to say. But I've been reading for awhile, and just wanted to pass on some hugs and let you know I'm sorry. Just...sorry. You're in my prayers and I hope you get to be pg soon. (hugs) again.

At 3:22 PM, Blogger R said...

Bastards! I just typed a long comment and lost it.

Old Navy is the WORST for pg women. Especially in the middle of the day. I hate that woman too. I hate the fact that she named her kid "Konner", with a k. How gross and trendy. Can you imagine a lawyer in 30 years named "Konner"? I hate that so many people skip through their pregnancies blithe and happy and unaware. I hate the fact that I want to squelch other peoples' unbridled happiness when they are so optimistically pregnant. I hate the fact that during Lucy's shower I vasselated between "What if she dies before she's born", and "What if she dies in surgery while they're trying to repair her defects?" I hate that her twin never even got a chance. I hate that Caleb is in the ground. I am so sorry. I hate that I know so much. I hate that WE know so much.


At 8:12 PM, Blogger kate said...

((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))) that's all i got. Oh, and yeah, nobody wants to be bitter. You have a right to be bitter -- just don't let it take you over.

At 12:50 PM, Blogger kate said...

and -- XS maternity pants? That just makes me want to jump off a bridge.


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