Sunday, January 08, 2006

I have no idea why those pics are not showing up in that last post, but if you want to see them, they are on Caleb's site in his photo gallery. You may have to go to the 3rd b-day folder. Those aren't the best pics, they were taken with my phone. I haven't taken the film to get developed yet for the better quality pics.

I have been doing alot of self diagnosis lately. Remember that Zoloft commercial with the little ovals (eggs maybe??) in the social situation, and that one is off to the side, by himself? Yeah, you guessed it. That one is me. I remember seeing that commercial and thinking that sounded alot like me. When I was in highschool, I would not do class projects that might require me getting up in front of the class and explaining them. The THOUGHT of it was enough to make me panic. (even if the grade was a fourth of the year's grade, I still wouldn't do it, or I would find a way to bring it in late enough that the teacher would no longer allow me to do the oral part. I would get huge deductions on my grade just so I didn't have to stand up in front of the class.) I never thought it was anything more than what most other people that were shy felt. That's what I always said, that I was shy. The thing is, that before Caleb died though, I could still function. It wasn't so bad that it ruled my life. I don't know if it's because I focus on it more, or if it is actually worse now, but I think it is finally time to do something about it. Let's be honest here. I don't leave the house to go new places without my dh. If I have to go someplace new, I want to make sure I know where I am supposed to park, etc. beforehand. I am terrified I will do something wrong and people will notice, or I will get in trouble. I KNOW it's not rational, but it's there all the same. Now, here's the trick, going to a new Dr., in a new place, and being able to tell them all of this crap without totally freaking out. Fuck.


At 12:15 PM, Blogger kate said...

((((((hugs))))))) I went and saw the pics of Caleb's b-day...his grave is beautifully decorated..i am so so sorry that it is like this.

I gotta agree with your diagnosis about the shyness etc. If you have a hard time leaving the house without dh, then i think you do have to do something about that. Can he make a doctor's appointment for you, go with you to the doctor? That might make it doable. Does he understand the extent that these things are difficult for you?

I think you have had it extremely hard -- what with Billy being shipped out right after Caleb died, and being in Iraq for your pg with takes so much to go through something like that, all alone. It is no wonder that it has taken its toll on your reserves and on your strength.

At 8:10 AM, Blogger Sarah said...

I can identify with the type of feelings you are talking about, but yours sound more intense. I think that anything you can do to try to reduce the amount of worry and fear you feel is a good thing. And Kate's suggestions about the doc's appointment makes sense.

I know that it's hard for me to tell my husband how i'm really feeling so i can understand that it may be hard to tell dh the extent of your feelings.


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