Tuesday, December 20, 2005

Had a pretty good day shopping for last minute Christmas stuff with dh and Evan. We spent the majority of the day with a woman that dh works with and her baby girl. The after a few hours, me and J. (the woman from work) dropped dh and Evan off and we went to wal mart so she could grocery shop. It was nice to be in the company of another adult. And hey, this one actually cares about and for her baby.

Fil called while I was gone. When I came back, dh told me that his dad had told him how depressed his mom is. She's been on Prozac for a few years now, and she always joke about how she no longer chases people with knives. Anyway, after Caleb died, she made sure to tell everyone she doubled her dose. Not sure if she still takes the higher dose or not. Anyway, dh told me how she was feeling unappreciated, etc. etc. I know this is terrible, but I just can't find it in me to feel bad for her. I can't do it. This is the thing, does ANYONE (other than dh and my mom) take five seconds to think that maybe this is a hellish time of year for ME? Does anyone consider that I dread each day that gets closer and closer to January? No. No one asks if *I* am doing ok anymore. They all assume that since I have gone on to have another baby, that I am over it. I have my replacement child, so I am fine now. Caleb who? My grieving time is over, so life should be peachy.

Yeah, it sounds selfish as hell, but it's the way I feel. Hmmm, guess that goes back to the bitterness???


At 9:50 AM, Blogger Catherine said...

I have found that grief and loss make people show their true colors. Selfish and unselfish are defined clearly when you are in need of love and support. My only advice is to take care of yourself and your family...and just let everyone else worry about themselves. It's ok. You don't have to take care of the whole world, you know. They will manage somehow, I'm sure.

At 11:36 AM, Blogger MB said...

Well you are certainly entitled to take as long as you need and let the grief come in whatever form it wishes. That is just how it goes... I'm sorry.

At 10:53 AM, Blogger kate said...

Meant to talk to you about this last night but i guess we never got around to it. I think that Catherine is right and you need to take care of yourself. But also people in pain are selfish by nature. We are, your MIL is -- we do need to recognize that. I don't think it is wrong, i think it is natural. When you are in alot of emotional pain, your own pain does eclipse your compassion. And when those who are asking for your compassion have not reciprocated in your time of need, it is very hard to be kind to them, and not to be bitter. It is that whole 'turning the other cheek' Christian thing. If you can do it, you are better for it. But it is extraordinarly hard.

Especially with someone like your MIL who is demonstrably an attention-seeking whiner. Oops, sorry, did i say that?


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