I thought I was doing pretty well. I really did. But at this point, with Christmas speeding at us like a freight train, I can physically FEEL it's impending doom. Don't get me wrong, I have Evan. I am so truely blessed to have him, and thank God hourly that I have him. He brings so much happiness that it hurts sometimes. His priceless giggles, and his fascination with each new thing. I adore that little boy. He is truely my life.
But Christmas is crushing me. My life is missing a HUGE peice. And no one seems to remember it. Caleb isn't here. I can't hear his giggles. I can't see him excitedly pointing at the lights on the tree. He's gone.
I can't help but get panicky. Three weeks from tomorrow. I can't help but count the days. I should be planning a 3rd birthday party. Instead, I am thinking of going to his grave on yet another cold Christmas day, and another cold January 5th. The panic is there. It's getting more and more evident. I can barely breathe.
I just think back to Christmas of 2002. I was so happy then. I was huge, and working in retail during the Christmas rush was actually pretty comical. I didn't realize HOW huge I was. I was constantly bumping into things, forgetting that I could no longer squeeze between those tables like I once could. I was never a person that could deal with attention turned towards me, but I dealt wonderfully with all of the people patting my huge pregnant belly. Life was good.
All I can seem to think about was those last few weeks. They play through my head over and over. God, what I wouldn't do to have them back. I remember my neice asking me to have him on Christmas so he would have her birthday too. I remember my dr talking about Christmas shopping during my appointments (since I worked at the mall). I never worried AT ALL. I never had a clue of how wrong it could all go. I didn't know that Christmas would never be the same.
So now I pretend. I read on someone's blog (I can't remember who it was now) that grieving parents wrap themselves up in this nice little package. We look like everything is fine on the outside. It couldn't be further from the truth.
I will throw myself into it all for Evan's sake. And honestly, I will enjoy it. How can I NOT enjoy watching the wonder and excitement in his face? I am so truely happy when I am with him. But in those moments he's away from me, in his bed sleeping, I think about how wrong it is that BOTH of my boys are not here. I miss Caleb so much.
I saw his face a million times last night. And thought of a million regrets. God how I miss him. God, I am tired of being so angry and bitter. God, I am TIRED.