Tuesday, December 13, 2005

I thought I was doing pretty well. I really did. But at this point, with Christmas speeding at us like a freight train, I can physically FEEL it's impending doom. Don't get me wrong, I have Evan. I am so truely blessed to have him, and thank God hourly that I have him. He brings so much happiness that it hurts sometimes. His priceless giggles, and his fascination with each new thing. I adore that little boy. He is truely my life.
But Christmas is crushing me. My life is missing a HUGE peice. And no one seems to remember it. Caleb isn't here. I can't hear his giggles. I can't see him excitedly pointing at the lights on the tree. He's gone.
I can't help but get panicky. Three weeks from tomorrow. I can't help but count the days. I should be planning a 3rd birthday party. Instead, I am thinking of going to his grave on yet another cold Christmas day, and another cold January 5th. The panic is there. It's getting more and more evident. I can barely breathe.
I just think back to Christmas of 2002. I was so happy then. I was huge, and working in retail during the Christmas rush was actually pretty comical. I didn't realize HOW huge I was. I was constantly bumping into things, forgetting that I could no longer squeeze between those tables like I once could. I was never a person that could deal with attention turned towards me, but I dealt wonderfully with all of the people patting my huge pregnant belly. Life was good.
All I can seem to think about was those last few weeks. They play through my head over and over. God, what I wouldn't do to have them back. I remember my neice asking me to have him on Christmas so he would have her birthday too. I remember my dr talking about Christmas shopping during my appointments (since I worked at the mall). I never worried AT ALL. I never had a clue of how wrong it could all go. I didn't know that Christmas would never be the same.
So now I pretend. I read on someone's blog (I can't remember who it was now) that grieving parents wrap themselves up in this nice little package. We look like everything is fine on the outside. It couldn't be further from the truth.
I will throw myself into it all for Evan's sake. And honestly, I will enjoy it. How can I NOT enjoy watching the wonder and excitement in his face? I am so truely happy when I am with him. But in those moments he's away from me, in his bed sleeping, I think about how wrong it is that BOTH of my boys are not here. I miss Caleb so much.
I saw his face a million times last night. And thought of a million regrets. God how I miss him. God, I am tired of being so angry and bitter. God, I am TIRED.


At 2:32 PM, Blogger Kathy McC said...

(((hugs))) I wish you lots of peace this Christmas.

At 2:50 PM, Blogger kate said...


Yes i thought you had been doing remarkably well too! But it is always going to be hard and it is such a double whammy for you with Caleb's b-day so close.

Thinking of you, i hope we can chat later tonight...

At 8:19 PM, Blogger Catherine said...

I wish I could offer a bit of the support you have provided me. But this being my first Christmas, I'm a complete mess myself. I hope you find some peace and are able to enjoy your time with Evan.

At 7:36 AM, Blogger AJW5403 said...

I wish I had a way to heal every woman that has lost a child. If is not fair for any of us to feel this pain year after year. I wish you and all of us greaving peace.

At 8:05 AM, Blogger Laura said...

((((hugs)))) I don't think that this time of year is easy for any of us. Sorry to hear that you are having a hard time. it seems like things are going better and then it hits you all at once again. I hope that you have some peaceful days ahead and that you will be able to enjoy the holiday with Evan.

At 12:02 PM, Blogger Lola said...

So sorry. I wish I had something to say that would take away all the pain and tiredness and make it all better. If only, eh?

Know, at least, that you are in my thoughts.


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