We made it through the day. It really wasn't as hard as previous years, but it still sucks, and it still pisses me off that he isn't here. Mom and I went to the cemetary yesterday in the early afternoon to take down Caleb's tree and put up his birthday flowers. It was a beautiful day really. It was sunny and about 65 degrees out. It was nice to be able to take our time and get things just right (which was a true challenge with Evan "helping") without frozen fingers. Evan kept me busy and distracted enough that I really couldn't concentrate on my misery, which was good I guess.

We got a really cute birthday balloon (I will have pics later) and a set of Star Wars figurines to bring to his grave, and mom got him a little helicopter. We also got balloons to release and mom got balloons for my neice and nephews to realse for him too. Mom and I got the flowers set up at his grave (she practically cements them into the vase so they can't get blown out or damaged) and then we headed back to her house so we could load up the van for the drive back to VA. I picked dh up, and he and Evan and I went back to the cemetary to release our balloons. Evan did a great job. He released a balloon for "Bubba" (that's what dh calls Caleb) and he sat with me in the grass and watched it sail away. He told the balloons bye bye, and then he started saying "Bye Bubba" over and over. I just lost it. It's not right that Evan doesn't have his brother here. It's not right that Evan should ever have to release balloons for his brother in heaven. When we left the cemetary, Evan sat in the van saying Bye Bubba over and over and I fought tears for the first hour of our drive home. I hated that we had to leave directly from the cemetary. It felt like we were rushed in trying to remember Caleb's birthday. I wanted the whole day for him, but there wasn't much I could do about it.

So now we are home, and I have a million things to do, and absolutely no motivation to do any of it. I just feel empty, and worn out. God I hate January.