Saturday, January 05, 2008

Five Years

You would be 5 years old today. Five. Years. Old. It's absolutely unimaginable. I try to think of what you might be like, and I can't. I didn't get to see your eyes. I didn't get to see your smile, or hear your cry. You feel so far away at this point. Not a day has gone by where I havne't thought of you. My heart was shattered the day you left, and has never completely healed. My arms still ache to hold you.
I look at your brother and sister, and I see how completely opposite they are from each other, and I can't help but wonder how you would have fit in. You and Evan would have been so close in age (but I still think we would have him, even if you had lived) and it makes me wonder if you would be fighting like cats and dogs, or if you would be closer because of it. For some reason I imagine you would be calmer and more laid back than Evan. I picture you with light blonde hair and intense blue eyes just like Lauren and Evan have. I wonder how different our life would be if you were still here.
It is so hard to believe you have been gone for some long. I remember in those first days not knowing how I was going to live a week, or a month, and eventually a year without you here. I didn't know what I was supposed to do with myself. I had a child, but the only way I could take care of him was by making sure his memorial stone in the cemetary was clean. I have your brother and sister now to take care of, and they truely make me happy, but I am reminded of you with every thing they do. You are never forgotten, and always very much loved.
I wish you were here today to open presents and blow out candles. I wish I could take pictures of your smiling face. I miss you with all of my heart. Happy 5th Birthday Caleb. I love you.


At 8:58 AM, Blogger Jill said...

Happy 5th Birthday Caleb:) Take care of you, Julie ((hugs))

At 10:08 AM, Blogger kate said...

Happy 5th Birthday, sweet Caleb.

At 10:29 AM, Blogger Jenny said...

Happy 5th Birthday Caleb..........send Mommy and Daddy great bigs hugs today!!

At 11:03 AM, Blogger Sarah said...

Happy Birthday Caleb :) I hope your parents have a peaceful day.

At 2:23 PM, Blogger Anam Cara said...

Thinking of you and Caleb today Julie. (((hugs)))

At 7:51 PM, Blogger Catherine said...

It never gets easier, does it?

I'm thinking of you all today and sending you my love.

At 10:26 AM, Blogger Rosepetal said...

Happy 5th birthday dear Caleb.

At 12:56 AM, Blogger Brenda said...


At 2:39 PM, Blogger SaraS-P said...

Happy Birthday, Caleb. I am sure Mommy and Daddy are thinking of you and how much they love you.

At 2:05 PM, Blogger Butrfly Garden said...

Hi Julie. Thank you for stopping by my blog last week. I've been trying to come up with something great to say to you about it all, but I've failed repeatedly and decided I just better come over and say HI before it gets to be too long.

Thank you so much for your reassuring words on that post. It is so easy to think you are the only one ever going through something like that. I've been here a couple times and it makes me so happy to know that you were able to try again. I don't know if I'll ever be to that point. But knowing that there are women like you who found the strength to do it again and prevailed with such a beautiful family...well, it gives me hope.

I'll never be over it, either. Never. Ever. And I can't believe anyone ever said anything like that to you. (Actually, I CAN. It just sucks.)

Thanks again for stopping by!

And happy birthday to sweet Caleb.

At 2:04 PM, Blogger Dr. Joanne Cacciatore said...

Happy Birthday Caleb.

I am so sorry--


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