Thursday, May 19, 2005

What was I thinking???

So last night I came to the realization that I need friends. I need SOME kind of outside contact from someone. And to be honest, so does Evan. He loves kids of all ages, and it's not fair for me to keep him here with me all the time. He's not complaining, but I just don't think this is fair to him just because I have issues. So last night I checked online for playgroups in the area and managed to find a couple. I emailed one of them to see about joining. I am a nervouse wreck about it. Each time I try to have something to do with "normal" parents, I realize I will NEVER be one of them. I will always be a little more watchful, a little more paranoid of something happenind (it has once, why can't it happen again?) And most of all, I might mention my dead baby. I just hate that the mention of my CHILD makes so many people uncomfortable. He's my son, and just because he's gone doesn't change that. Its not like I obsess over him, but the thing is that once you have your subsequent child, no matter how much time has gone by (or how little) you are done with your allowed grieving time. You are now expected to be over it. You are supposed to move on and apparently never mention your child again. I am just not willing to pretend Caleb never existed or that I don't still miss him and think of him every day. So I am waiting for the response email for this playgroup, but I don't really know if I will get one. I told them I have a dead baby, and most people dont like that..........


At 8:49 PM, Blogger Jill said...

OMG, I remember my first Playgroup...I voluteered to be treasurer just so I HAD to keep coming!
The thing is, you will come across lots of those horrible stereotype 'mummies', but just remember that everyone has a dark side and there WILL be others there who go for their kids' sake who sit there despising the vaccuous nature of such gatherings...and they will probably make great friends one day.
Best of luck and I hope your mentioning Caleb confronts and ultimately educates these people (the ones with the problems anyway). You are very brave and have been through much worse than Playgroup!!

At 7:59 AM, Blogger Holly Golightly said...

I experience the exact same thing. I think of Isaac every day, excuse me for saying something out loud now and again. I don't have a subsequent child, but people put the same time line on you for going back to work. Three weeks later, I'm back to work. Naturally, I must be over it. Not the case.


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