Sunday, June 05, 2005

29 Months

He's been gone for 29 months today. I STILL hate the 5th of the month, especially when it falls on a Sunday. Where the hell did 29 months GO? And more importantly, how have I lived 29 months WITHOUT him? God I miss you Caleb. I want to go to his grave. I want to bring him the little stuffed moose I got him a few weeks ago. May have to take a trip to SC soon.

Friday night, dh and the mom of the kid i was babysitting, and her friend got home at 2:45 am. I was NOT a happy camper. Somehow the baby managed to sleep from 9, until his mom came to get him. I was so worried he would wake up and want another bottle, but I kept thinking they would be back "any minute". How responsible is that?? When they got back, dh and I got into it. I told him that I didn't appreciate the complete disrespect he showed me by staying out as long as he wanted, while I sat at home with Evan and his friend's kid. I told him I was sick of "I'm sorry" and that that wasn't going to cut it. He said he's not going to go out again if I can't go. You know, before I would have said that that is ridiculous, but since he can't go out without me and not stay out all night, then I don't think he needs to go out either. Maybe that isn't reasonable, but at this point, I don't really care. The baby's mom apparently wants me to go out with her one night. We'll see about that one.


At 1:04 PM, Blogger lauralu said...

good for you for speaking your mind!

it sounds like the last few days have been difficult for you. i'm so sorry. those valleys are lonely, aren't they?

both your boys are just beautiful. i like the picture of evan in the laundry basket. i have a picture of me at 14 carrying my brother in a laundry basket (he is 13 years younger than me), and he looks thrilled with himself, and it is a very dear picture to me.

caleb is lovely. it is comforting to me to see pictures other parents took of their stillborn children. it was heartbreaking to read the story of his birth; it was so familiar to me.

i hope easier days are ahead for you.

At 3:20 PM, Blogger Catherine said...

I thinking of you and hoping you find some peaceful thoughts today.

At 6:04 PM, Blogger Jill said...

Hey Julie:( Sorry about, well, everything. 29 months and you are still here to tell the tale. What amazing strength. Like I keep saying, I just don't know how you do all that you do.

Maybe a trip to Caleb's grave is just what you need right now.

And yes, good on you for letting those stopouts know you weren't impressed!

At 7:53 PM, Blogger Julie said...

Laura, thank you so much for the compliments on my boys. It really means so much to me that you took the time to visit Caleb and read his story. He's my son and I like to share him as much as I do my living son. Make any sence?

Jill, I think at times, the reason I am still here is only because I wasn't given a choice! Those days are not so numerous anymore, but sometimes they are still there. Caleb's grave is 5 hours away now that we moved so I just really miss being able to go and bring him things. (I have about 5 things in the car for him now lol) Sometimes those bad days just get ya.

Catherine, ((((hugs))) thank you for the support, it really means so much to have someone else that "gets it" (although I wish NONE of us did)

Thanks girls, you ALL rock!!

At 11:04 PM, Blogger lauralu said...

yes, julie, it does make sense.


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