Man Struck By Lightning
Did any of you see this story? A 70 year old man was struck by lightning while he was visiting his son's grave. He was found the next day under a tree. http://http://www.dailystar.com/dailystar/allheadlines/77459.php
You know I never really thought about it until I saw that story, but that wouldn't be so bad to die while I was with my son. I would be ok with that I think. Trust me, I don't want it to happen, I know E needs me. But it wouldn't be such a bad thing to die there.
So I have been pretty bothered by something almost all day. I posted the Hallmark petition on FF. I put it on the ttc after loss board, but I also went to the pregnancy side and posted it on the loss support group and also the pregnancy after loss group. I know it's been viewed several times, and I know people are signing it, but it was one response from a girl on the Loss support group that is really eating at me. I know she meant no harm, but it still rubbed me the wrong way. I REALLY hope that what I am about to say doesn't offend anyone. It's not meant that way, it's just the way *I* feel. I really dont want to hurt any feelings. But this one girl made a comment about how she just suffered a miscarriage at 9 weeks and how that was "just as bad as losing after 9 months". I have to say that NO it's not. I know this from experience. I had a miscarriage at 10 weeks before we got pregnant with Caleb. I KNOW what it's like to have a miscarriage, BUT I also know what it's like to got through 38 weeks and 4 days, the whole time having perfect doctors appointments. I know what it's like to feel that baby move inside of me, to feel him react to different things i ate. I know what it's like to go to the hospital in labor and be told that your baby is dead, when just hours ago you felt him moving. I know what it's like to go through 18 hours of labor to deliver a baby that will never open his eyes and look up at you. I know what it's like to have a baby in a SILENT room. I know what it's like to hold my baby's dead body, and I know what it's like to see him in a casket. THAT is way more devastating then having a miscarriage at 9 weeks. PLEASE don't get me wrong, when I had a miscarriage, it was the most devastating thing I have ever been through. And yes it was still the death of a baby.....of MY baby, but no, it will never be as bad. I am not judging the way other people grieve, but I'll be honest, it bothered me to see her post. No it's just not the same. She mentioned in her post that they had just told people they were pregnant and now they had to tell people they had lost the baby. I had to see people in public that wanted to know where my baby was, and I had to tell them he was dead. But I would not change ANY of it. I would not give up the chance to be Caleb's mommy. I just wish I would have gotten to be Caleb's mommy for a little longer.
Going to eat brownies now..............
posted by Julie @ 7:25 PM
7 comments
7 Comments:
Hey, eat a brownie for me:)
I think you are absolutely right about it not being the same. Of course it isn't. One is awful, the other beyond description. The longer you are pregnant, the harder it is.
My chem pgs upset me, but I got over them in a day. My last m/c was awful, but I honestly don't know how I would cope with what you have been through. I just don't know how you and everyone else who have endured late losses (again not the same as cord accident at birth - each have a different set of complications) carry on. But I think I would feel the same as you in those circumstances.
I saw that too and it bothered me, but I didn't feel it was appropriate to respond. I haven't had an early loss (and please god I hope I don't) so I didn't feel I could speak to it, but she hadn't had a later loss, so I don't know why she felt she could. Anyway...funny you mentioned this because it pissed me off.
Oh Thank you thank you thank you BOTH for understanding. I was so scared to say anything, I didn't want to offend anyone (honestly, didn't want to offend you Jill, I am not saying your loss isn't horrible too) My internet support is all I get. I don't want to lose that too!! Thank you so much girls!!
Julie, as bad as I feel now, I know I will get over it. And I will get over it more completely than you or Roxanne. That's a fact. And to be honest I think that the immediate response to my loss would be similar to what you go through after the shock, after the mind numbing grief and probably 6 months after that. Does that make any sense? My grief pretty much started halfway through your recovery I reckon. And probably moved on quicker too.
I don't know if I explained myself properly but in the midst of my selfishness I still have to admit that my lot isn't as bad as many many other's circumstances. That's why I have so much admiration for people like you:) You inspire the rest of us!
i certainly agree that the later the loss, the more difficult it(potentially) is, but i think there are other factors than the age of the child, such as how the loss is handled by both the parents and their community as well as whether the child was wanted or not.
i chalk up this woman's comment to ignorance. her miscarriage is the worst thing she knows and is the only perspective from which she can try to relate. at least she was trying to feel what others have felt.
That's true about reactions being relative to experience and circumstance.
I guess someone who had been ttc for 6 years who m/c'd very early on is going to experience a very different loss to someone who had the same loss after maybe 6 months of trying. Maybe.
I suppose that is where empathy is such a powerful tool of peace and healing. I have always said that it isn't where you fall from on a ladder, it's how far you fall. And that's all relative. I only know what MY loss means to ME. I can only imagine what other people's losses would mean to me and not to them. Make sense? Probably not, let's get back to those brownies:)
It is just not the same. I have run the continuum from IF to miscarriage, to stillbirth, and back to ground zero again. If you ask me, it all sucks. I suppose what might suck worse, would be if I lost my child at 3 months. Or 3 years. And if I read one more news article about a parent torturing their child to death, I might just lose my grip on sanity. Why do they get a chance to procreate in the first place?? Baffles the mind.
Thanks for your blog, sistah.
~another~Julie
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