Monday, May 30, 2005

To obsess, or not to obsess...

Oh I know, I can obsess on whether or not I will obsess!! I am trying to figure out what to do about ttc again. I desperately want another baby. And chances are, if we lived in SC and I still had my dr, none of this would be a question, but that's not the case. I need to decide if I am going to refill my pills. I also need to decide if I am going to chart. I think I might. Not serious charting, but I will temp since that is easy enough. I only charted one time and that was the cycle I got pg with Evan. It was nice to see my temps stay up, and kind of know before I took the test, but then again, maybe I already knew anyway. Why is it that men seem completely incapeable of HELPING us make these decisions? I ask dh what he thinks we should do, and he says "I don't know". GEE that helps.

Today sucked. I went to the mall to look for something for Ruby's baby boy's first angel day. The place was packed. I felt like panicing the whole time I was there, and around every corner was a family with 2 little boys, of course around the ages Caleb and Evan are. Why the hell did THEY get to keep their kids?? Why was *I* chosen to live without my son on earth??? It's NOT fair damn it and I hate those people for it all. I know that's not fair, but it's how I feel. I HATE this life sometimes. I just want BOTH of my boys.

I added some new pics to Evan's website. I don't really know how to post a link, but I will try. hope that works.


At 4:50 PM, Blogger Jill said...

Even if you don't want to hate people for that stuff, I think it is so normal and nothing to worry about.

As for the actual fact of living without your son. MY heart breaks for you, I don't know how YOUR heart even keeps beating. I know you have a beautiful son, but I also know that my gorgeous girls aren't enough some days.

((Hugs)) - I don't know what else to say:)

At 11:50 PM, Blogger lauralu said...

julie, evan is so beautiful.


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