As I was reading Evan "Guess How Much I Love You" before bed tonite, it hit me that that book had originally been for Caleb. That was the book I took to Caleb's grave and read it to him. I hadn't thought of that in a long time. I don't know what made me think of it tonite, but it was all I could do to finish the book without sobbing.
The thing is, I don't cry for Caleb anymore. I feel INTENSELY guilty about that too. It's been 29 months, so it's probably normal I guess, but I still hate it. I get teary eyed over songs, and I can't watch a military homecoming without sobbing (although that is probably very Caleb related since I get so upset that he wasn't there for the homecoming when dh came back from Iraq and damn it, he should have been.) but I don't just cry for my dead son. I have no idea what I am trying to say, I just miss my little man..............
posted by Julie @ 10:26 PM
2 comments
2 Comments:
Julie, it's impossible to keep up that level and intensity of grief. No matter how much you want to. At some point, grieving behaviour becomes deliberate rather than reaction and that awful sting starts to dull down into an ache that will be there forever.
You will never forget how it felt after he died - but can you truly imagine doing that everyday even now? You need that energy for Evan and whoever else comes along:)
Don't feel guilty - that little angel wouldn't want to see you crying because of him. I have found in the last couple of days just how much our little ones want us to be smiling and happy. They would do anything to stop us crying, especially if it is over them. Trust me on that - my little girl told me that herself:)
You don't have to cry to prove you love Caleb. If you truly want a living tribute to Caleb, you will find a reason to smile every day. That is what the love for a child should be about. And you should focus on the love, not the loss.
In my humble opinion, of course.
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