Friday, July 01, 2005

How is it that one little person can just keep you in awe at all times? It just amazes me. Evan and I were upstairs so I could finally fold and put away some laundry. He was in my room torturing the cat (shutting him in the closet over and over) and then he left my room and went to his. The rooms are right across from each other, so I just looked to see where he was. He was in his rocking chair (not a child sized one, it's actually the rocker we read in each night before bed) and he was actually rocking. So I left him alone. Well while I was watching him, he got down from the chair, went over to his basket of books and got one, then climbed back up into the chair. Could he really be any sweeter??

I hate that underneath every thought of Evan, lies a thought of Caleb. It's not right in SO MANY ways. Would Caleb be the same sweet little boy, or would he have a mischevious streak? Would Caleb love to climb and torment the cat? Would Caleb love books like his little brother? I hate that there is just no way I will ever know these things. I hate that I have to just wonder forever how things should have been. I hate that THIS is how my life is, and it will never change. Losing a child isn't a one day event.


At 8:20 PM, Blogger Catherine said...

It's hard to shake that ghost child. He'll always be there, I think. But with a living child as adorable as your E, at least you have something to balance the sadness, right? That's how I look at my Sam. There is sadness over what is not there, but there are smiles too over what IS there.


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