Friday, August 05, 2005

I come here to post, and instead sit and stare at the screen. I just don't know how to put how I feel into words. I haven't even talked to dh. I planned on it last night, after E went to bed and we had some peace, but he went to sleep on the couch. The thing is, we have not even talked about the medical records I picked up. He hasn't even asked. I think he doesn't ask because he assumes I would tell him if I was upset about them, but I really don't know.

I have also never told him exactly how unhappy I am. Not really with one general thing, but with life itself. I am not unhappy with him, and definately not unhappy with E, but just in general. E is the main thing that gets me through. That little boy gave me a reason to WANT to get up each day, and that's alot for a 17 month old to carry. I really don't know if unhappy is the right word either. I really think its the dreaded word "depression". Maybe this is all just coming back because I know it will be another month at least before I get to go back to SC to see Caleb. I had such a hard time leaving the cemetary yesterday. I walked back to the van and just stood there looking back at his pinwheels spinning like crazy. Then I got in the van and just sat there with my foot on the brake. I know he isnt there, but I just didn't want to leave him. Damn it, why do I HAVE to leave him??

I hate this. I hate all of it. I hate that I will never get the chance to look UP into his eyes as he towers over me. I have gone beyond wondering what he would be like at 30 months old. This is a new thing. Some new realization I guess. This just never goes away. Ever...........

3 Comments:

At 4:23 PM, Blogger lauralu said...

it's horrifyingly infinite, isn't it?

sending you hugs

 
At 5:55 PM, Blogger Jill said...

((hugs)) How do you walk away from the cemetry and everything it represents without feeling shattered? No other response, other than the one you are having, seems even remotely reasonable.

But please get some outside help if that is what you think you need. It will take a lot of strength to face wanting to get over this intense grief. One step at a time, you'll have plenty of support from around here ((hugs))

 
At 6:52 AM, Blogger kate said...

((((((((((Julie)))))))))))))) no, it never goes away...also my experience in france was that when we have left and go back, the feelings that come up are shockingly raw. All of a sudden i found myself feeling the same way i felt in the early weeks and months, and wow i was not exactly prepared for that. And my dh didn't want to hear about it either!

 

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