Thursday, August 04, 2005

Well we are finally home. And I noticed today that Virginia actually FEELS like home now. I never thought that was possible, but it's true. I was actually happy to be here. It will be nice to get back to normal.

At the same time though, leaving SC is just as hard now as it was the first day we left. I cried several times in the car. I finally got the courage to get my medical records from my old ob. I had a panic attack in the office, but somehow managed to hide it (at least I think I hid it). I don't know why, but while they were counting the pages of my file, I started shaking and my heart was pounding out of my chest. It was all I could do not to turn and run. I couldn't write out the check to pay for the records. As I was standing there I realized that that was probably the last time I would be in that building, and then that brought me to the realization that that building was the only place we ever heard Caleb's heart beating. That was the only place we saw him moving (except through my belly). I am slowly running out of places that I went to when he was alive, and that hit me like a ton of bricks. This is all SO wrong.

I did go back and talk to my dr. I felt like I really had to let her know that she was a HUGE part in me being able to try to get pg again, and without her, I don't think I would have had the courage to have Evan. I told her, and I thanked her, and let her know how much she meant, and we both cried. She came and hugged me and told me to come see her whenever I get the chance when I am in town. It is so strange to close that chapter, but I just have no choice. I don't think she will ever know exactly how much all she did for me really meant. I hope she at least has an idea now.

I sat and read all of my records front to back though, and was actually very surprised. I guess I expected to see something horrible that I was never told, but there is nothing there that I didn't already know. There are lots of little notes to the side with Caleb's name, and notes about my grieving and how I am handling things. She treated Caleb like a PERSON, not just a fetus, and once again, she will never know what that means to me. I was so scared of seeing "fetal demise" over and over, but it's not there. There is even a comment about the fact that I have a tattoo, and that it is a Capricorn sign in memory of my son Caleb. I am really going to miss her. Sounds silly huh?

I am working on getting caught back up with everything. I haven't had a chance to read blogs, but I am working on it. Maybe when I am supposedly unpacking hehehe.


At 12:23 AM, Blogger Julie said...

That doctor sounds wonderful. I know you'll miss her.
Welcome home, glad you've returned.

At 3:11 AM, Blogger Jill said...

Hey, welcome back, it's been quiet around here without ya:)

That doctor sounds beautiful. I cannot imagine ever coming across a doctor who would get down off their pedestal to cry with a patient. One in a million - she should be forced to teach bedside manner in every hospital in the world!

At 7:36 AM, Blogger Catherine said...

Welcome home. We missed you. But it sounds like you had a good trip...I'm very glad about that. I'm beginning to think having places to go that I went to when Alex was alive is more of a nightmare than a blessing. Reminders reminders everywhere...

At 11:09 PM, Blogger vixanne wigg said...

She sounds like a good one. :)


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