Wednesday, August 31, 2005

My original plan was to go back to SC this weekend and spend some time with the family. My nephew's birthday was yesterday, and we were going to have a small family party. And my friend that lives down in Charleston was supposed to come up to Florence, so I was going to get to see her while I was there. With everything going on, I have felt more and more the extreme sence of doom, so I don't think I am going. Well, the doom thing, and the gas price gouging, and then my friend called me to tell me she wasn't going to be in Florence. We are broke, so we really can't afford the trip right now anyway. I am not sure why I feel like it's just not right to go home right now, but the feeling is there and I just can't shake it.

I told dh tonite that I feel like I am in some horrible nightmare that I just can't wake up from. I am not totally sure if it's just our issues making me feel that way anyway. I mean is this REALLY my life??? How the hell did I get here??? Why was I one of the chosen ones to lose our son? I just really don't get it.

I think dh is a little disappointed that I am not going to SC. He wanted the time to really think about all that is going on. And he partially is afraid that I am not going because I don't trust him. That really isn't the case. I do have a little more hope today that we CAN make it through this, but it's going to take time. But there is definately hope.

TTC is off for the time being. We really haven't talked about it since all of this started except for me to say this is probably just not a good time. But you know, the sad thing is, I just can't put away the thermometer just yet.

Thank God I have my sweet little boy Evan. Even if he's NOT so sweet lately.(I HATE teething!!) I don't know what I would do without him.


At 6:03 AM, Blogger Jill said...

Sometimes you stand back and take stock and it is like watching a movie where none of it is what you wrote for your life - doesn't even seem plausible - and you just feel overwhelmed and confused by it all.

In what sense does DH think you can't trust him?

Anyway, I am here to listen and wishing you guys all the success in the world.

At 10:37 AM, Blogger Lola said...

Boy, you're just going through the wringer right now, aren't you! it's so hard, I know. I often wonder the same thing. You know, Who the HELL's life am I leading here? This was NOT the plan.

It's great that you and dh are opening up more to each other. It's a really good thing, even if it feels bloddy awful right now.

I hope it gets better for you soon.

At 5:43 PM, Blogger lauralu said...

i am wishing for you all the time you need to figure things out and all the courage you need to do what you decide is right.


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