Wednesday, October 26, 2005

hmmm so my posts DID show up?? Weird. Not that it really matters. I am home now, and af showed up and is currently kicking my ass. Bitch. I am ok with it I guess though. Just hope this ttc stuff doesn't drag on for a long time like I am well aware that it can.

I am having my own personal pity party tonite I guess. Leaving SC just sucks. VA FEELS like home, and it's good to be here, but leaving SC hits me like a ton of bricks every damn time. I went by my old house before leaving just to see what all the current owner (be proud of the restraint I had there not to call her several names) had done to it. It's funny because she harrassed the crap out of us when we were under contract with her getting estimates to get all kinds of work done to the house, and from what we can tell, she hasn't done a damn thing. Even the crappy front windows haven't been replace (and they needed it desperately). It does look like she PAINTED they vinyl shutters black, but you can still see the green underneath. It looks really white trash now. And I LIKE that it looks like crap. It makes me laugh..........HARD.

After that, I went by the cemetary to see Caleb. God I miss being able to go when I want. I had Evan with me, so I couldn't stay very long (Evan was asleep in the van) but I got to take some little windchimes to Caleb, and tell him how much I miss him, and basically see that his things were all ok, and his grave is well taken care of. I don't doubt, EVER, that his grave is well taken care of, but sometimes I just need to see for myself. (mom even cuts the grass around his stone with scissors so they won't get too close with the week whacker or mower) I just hate this. It's not right that I have to leave my son there. Damn it, I should have him HERE with me, ALIVE. This is just not fair. I miss him so damn much. Why the hell was he taken from us when we wanted him so much? I know he isn't THERE, but sometimes that is hard to remember. I hate turning and walking back to the van SO MUCH. This will just never ever be right.

Going to crawl into bed...........

7 Comments:

At 5:08 AM, Blogger Julie said...

Welcome home.
It's sad about having to leave the cemetery, especially when his is so far away and you can't visit much. {{{hugs}}}

 
At 7:10 AM, Blogger Jill said...

I'm sorry you are feeling so awful:( And as always, I can only agree with you that Caleb should be with you and his family, not forever missing. Take care (((hugs)))

 
At 10:49 AM, Blogger Catherine said...

Leaving is always the hardest part for me, and Alex is just down the street. I'm sorry.

I hope the TTC is easy...oh yea...and fun. :o)

 
At 12:03 PM, Blogger Sarah said...

I’m sorry for the pain leaving causes you to have. Sorry that this month’s ttc didn’t work, I hope it isn’t too much longer!

 
At 1:23 PM, Blogger kate said...

(((((((((((hugs))))))))))))

 
At 5:36 PM, Blogger lauralu said...

thinking of you.

 
At 5:56 PM, Blogger gabesmama said...

Julie,

Gabe's plaque is in the cemetery in my town, and it would be so hard for me to leave here to. I keep telling Jeff that I don't want to move from this area because our son is here. Yes, I know he is not, but the cemetery is all I have. So I understand. I'm sorry Caleb is not with you too.

 

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