Monday, November 27, 2006


Thank you Anam Cara for checking in on me. I didn't mean to worry anyone. All is ok here. I have had lots of good intentions to come post, but we all know how that goes. We had serious internet issues for about a week where the computer was pretty much impossible to use. Once that got fixed, my in laws came for the weekend, and so we were busy the whole weekend. Then my parents came up last Tuesday to stay for Thanksgiving, and we were really busy with them. (they actually just left).

Things are ok though. Evan was sick with a cold the entire time my parents were here, so he was kind of hard to deal with, but not too bad. He REALLY enjoyed my mom being here. She lets him get away with everything, and plays with him like she is a big kid too. (which is entirely different from my mil who just sits on the couch when she is here, or goes out and just buys Evan stuff, but never actually PLAYS with him) Poor dh, once again, had to work most of the time they were here, so he didn't get to spend much time with them. It seems like it always works that way.

Mom and I managed to work on Caleb's Christmas tree. I can't stand that I can't go out to the cemetary and help her put it up out there. I hate looking at all of the stuff Evan will have for Christmas, and Caleb gets a damn tree in a cemetary. This is so fucking wrong. I hate that THIS is the only thing I can do to take care of my oldest baby. God we were so robbed.

This time of year is already taking it's toll on me. I think of Caleb non-stop. I hate the countdowns to Christmas all over the place, and automatically adding 10 days to that countdown until we get to Caleb's birthday. I hate trying to buy sour cream at the grocery store, and looking at the date and seeing January 5th. I just want to hide until it's all over.

I wake up several times a night, thinking over and over in my head "Please God let the baby move" and I can't fall back to sleep until the baby DOES move. I am finding myself constantly thinking about movement. CONSTANTLY. I really did not think this time would be so hard. I made it through with Evan, so I KNOW it's possible to have a living baby, but I also know the OTHER possibilities.

I have a dr appointment tomorrow. I get to do the GTT (oh YAY) and of course I am worried about it. Part of me feels like I am so close to being at the end of this pg, and part of me thinks that Febuary is still SO far away.

For now though, I am going to look at it as 10 more weeks.......... I can do that, right?


At 12:21 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'm a fairly recent reader, and lost a child myself, at age 11 mos, though, to meningitis. She was my second, then I had a miscarriage and had a son after that. I'm concerned about you, because your loss of Caleb still hurts you so bad it seems to be robbing you of your joy with Evan and the baby to be. My own loss was 22 years ago, so I have some perspective. I would encourage you to do whatever you need to do (therapy, church, both, or whatever works) to try and move beyond your pain. It's true that once you've sustained the loss of a child your "it's gonna be ok" switch in your brain doesn't work well anymore. That's just life. I hope you'll come to a place where, though, where you'll realize that while you're hurting, Caleb is in a place where there is no pain or sorrow, and it's just fine to concentrate on Christmas for your living son. Holidays are hard. Please don't worry that if you don't do "enough" your Caleb will somehow be forgotten. You won't ever forget. After 22 years I still think of my daughter every day. But I learned to let her go, and trust that somehow she is ok. And I learned that every moment with my living children is to be savored. Bless you. My heart goes out to you.

At 8:59 AM, Blogger Jill said...

Glad you checked in and also wish you hadn't been so robbed. I don't know how long it takes to get to the place the previous commenter speaks of, but know that I still check in on you and hope that you and Evan and your new bub are all ok. I know the baby isn't here til it's crying in your arms. But like you say, just 10 more (long) weeks. Hang in there ((hugs)).

At 3:41 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I think it is normal and ok to feel sad coming up to Caleb's anniversary. You were robbed and Christmas is a painful reminder of that.
I hope your appointment went well this week and that you passed the GTT. ((hugs))

At 1:47 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I just wanted to say "hang in there". We lost our first child in Sept.and I have been reading many blogs. I am understanding that subsequent pregnancy can be a very anxious time. You are a strong and courageous woman to go at it again.


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