Survival

We made it through yet another year without Caleb here with us. I remember in those first moments, when we were told he was gone, telling dh "I can't do this" and I was SURE that I couldn't. At the time, I think I meant I couldn't labor, and then deliver my dead son, but then, as each task got more horrific, I think I realized I meant I couldn't do ANY of it. I couldn't bear the silence as he came into this world. I couldn't bear holding him, and feeling him slowly get cold. I couldn't bear walking out of that hospital without him. I couldn't bear sitting in a funeral home, making arrangements for him to be picked up, and then put in a little casket. I couldn't find a plot to bury him in the cold January ground. And most of all, I could not allow them to put him IN that ground.

But as each task arrived, I did it. I went through the motions, and did what I had to do, because honestly, I was not given a choice. I was not ASKED if this is what I wanted to do. My son had to be taken care of, and that was the only way we COULD take care of him.

The days went by, and I wondered how I would make it through the week. Then it was wondering how I would make it through the following week. Slowly, it became months that seemed impossible to make it through. I met people online who had been without their babies for YEARS and I couldn't imagine it. I was amazed that they were still alive. I was amazed that they had gone through this, and could still function, and even be HAPPY.

And now here I am, 4 YEARS later. Sometimes this does not feel real at all. I have the pictures of Caleb on my walls. I have figurines, and momentos people have sent to me. I have pictures of a grave, with my son's name on the stone. There is proof everywhere of someone missing, but it all still seems so unreal. Until I look at the Christmas tree, and all of the wrapped presents underneath, and I think "Can you imagine how many there would be if BOTH of our boys were here?". Or I see 2 brothers close in age, or hear someone call their Caleb while we are out in public, and it slaps me in the face all over again.

Yes, I have managed to survive the last 4 years of my life. I am so amazed when I really think about the whole thing. I have managed to find happiness, and continue to live my life. That is not to say there isn't sadness, but it's not CONSTANT. I am in no way over it, but I have learned to live with my life the way it is (ONLY because I was not given a choice) and find happiness and hope in Evan, and now the new baby girl we wait so cautiously for.

Survival IS possible.