Distractions

I have been really good at keeping myself distracted lately. I have hardly had time to really think of Caleb's birthday coming up on Friday (which of course makes me feel guilty as hell). Here is what has been going on:

My appointment last Thurday went well. I just absolutely LOVE my doctor! My weight, blood pressure, etc, were all fine. I am measuring right on track, and the baby sounded great. He said at my next appointment, we would do our first NST (Januray 8th). I asked him if we would get a chance to try to check for gander again, and he said "Oh, we never did get to do that, did we?" and then took me straight back to the ultrasound room to see if we could take a look.
We got cooperation this time. We know that DEFINATELY this is a GIRL!!!!!!

My parents came up Friday, and just left this morning. LOTS of shopping was done. Baby girl (still nameless at this point) has tons of frills and pinks and flowers. Of course all of the stuff is still in the bags, with the receipts, and the tags still on it, but hey, shopping is a start!

Mom and I also went shopping for flowers to make an arrangement for the front of her church in Caleb's memory. Evan helped us pick them out. God, it rips my heart out. It's so wrong. Mom will go and get a balloon for his grave, and arrange some flowers there. And she will most likely buy him a toy to take to his grave too. We are not going to make the 5 hour drive down there to go to his grave, which is really bothering me. I have a candle to light for him here, and we will probably get some balloons to release on Saturday because dh has to work on his actual birthday. I haven't decided if we will do anything else, like get a cake or anything like that.

Today, since my parents and neice and nephews are gone, and the house is somewhat back to normal, I am trying to stop the memories from flooding back in. I try not to think about January 2 2003, when I had the last dr appointment, and the last time I heard Caleb's heart beating away. The last chance I had to say "the baby isn't moving as much as he was" and could have possibly changed it all. My last chance to realize that Caleb was in trouble. Instead, when I was asked if the baby was still moving, I said yes, and left it at that. I can still hear my dr telling me he sounded perfect, and then setting up the plan to induce that monday, on January 6th.

So here we are, almost 4 years from that day. He feels so far away.