Sunday, April 09, 2006

Stop the Ride, I Want to Get Off

I emailed the woman I met at the park last night. I wanted to let her know that if she wanted to do something this coming week I was free. I wrote out the email, and before hitting the send button, I froze. My email signature has Caleb's website in it. I sat nd tried to decide whether or not to include the signature or not. In the end I DID include it. I will tell her about Caleb anyway, I have no intentions on hiding him, but I didnt want to immediately scare her off either. I am really getting tired of this though. Even the simplest things are complicated. Sending a short little email should not have to include so much thought. I shouldn't have to worry about scaring someone away as soon as I meet them. The truth is, if my friends that I had had for YEARS ran like hell, why wouldn't someone that barely knows me at all? I am tired of the uncomfortable, dismissing looks when you tell someone your other son died. I am tired of feeling like a freak. I hope this girl is different. I hope she can deal with the fact that I have a dead son, and I hope it doesn't make her uncomfortable if I dare to mention his name. (Have I mentioned her name is Angel??) I have one other friend here that allows me to talk about Caleb freely, and doesn't even flinch, but she works the same schedule as dh, so I don't see her often. It would be nice to have someone else though.
Apparently IM didn't need me all that much. Her car has been in front of her apartment all weekend, and she hasn't bothered to call or come by. (Of course she probably went out all weekend and let someone else drive since she JUST got her license back after getting a DUI) Her custody case is supposedly tomorrow.


At 10:06 AM, Blogger lauralu said...

i hope your new pal works out for you. i have found that people i have met since hans died aren't as freaked out about it as people who knew me and were invested. it's just one of the facts of my life that already exists, not a new shock for anyone to absorb, i think. good luck.

At 11:21 AM, Blogger kate said...

((((hugs)))))) I know, it sucks *so* much. It shouldn't be like this.

I have had the same experience as lauralu though -- the new people don't seem to 'mind' as much. Unless they have issues of their own -- for example my one friend who lost a baby at 20+ weeks, she never really grieved for him, so she can't even hear about Nicolas without getting, well, freaked out.

At 1:58 PM, Blogger Sarah said...

I think it's good that you inclueded your signature on the email. I hope your new friend is open minded and will have a good response when she finds out about Caleb. Good luck

At 8:51 PM, Blogger Wendy said...

I think it is the hardest when you meet someone new. When do you tell them? I usually just blurt it out and see the deer in the headlights look. So far I haven't had too many difficulties though. I'm fortunate to have many friends here who aren't afraid to speak Theron's name though. I wish you the same.

At 10:23 AM, Blogger MB said...

You might be surprised at how she reacts to your story of Caleb. A few people I met after Audrey surprised the hell out of me. Same as you, the ones I'd had for years and wished would have stuck in there disappeared. Maybe this woman is just the thing. You all might have something to give to each other.

At 2:48 PM, Blogger Julian's Mom said...

I am also sick of feeling like a freak. I have found that my new friends are much better at coping with my loss and my integration of my son into my life than many of my "old" friends who now seem to have fallen off the face of the earth. New friends get to know you as you are now, and don't have any expectation that you're going to go back to your "old" self. I really hope it works out with your new friend.


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