Sunday, November 06, 2005

I am not sleeping again. For the past few nights, when I finally DO fall asleep, I have nightmares. God I hate this time of year. I HATE it. I have Evan now, and that truely DOES make it easier to deal with, but I still have issues with it all. I hate this life.

I was watching Extreme Makeover Home Edition tonite (why the HELL do I watch that show?) and they were talking about their son that passed away 3 days before Christmas last year. He was 22 years old. The mom had left his room exactly the way he left it. When she went to leave the house for their vacation she told the crew that THEY had to pack up his room because she couldn't do it. So they all went into the son's room, and were looking at his things, and then went on to read his diary. They all sat around, talking about him, and just by looking at his things, speculating what this kid must have been like when he was alive. I lost it. None of these people knew this kid, but yet they sat in his room and sobbed for him. And I got furious. I wasn't sobbing for HIM. I was sobbing for my son. My sweet Caleb that doesn't get that same response. No one tries to take the time to get to know him. No one cries for him. He didn't exist. He wasn't important. And I should be over it. At least he died before I got attached. It's not fair. It's not fair that we were robbed of EVERYTHING. We got memories of holding his little body in a hospital room, trying to keep him wrapped up so he wouldn't get cold. We got memories of silence. We got pictures of tears and sadness. And we are talked about like we are crazy for having pictures of a dead baby up in our house. I miss my baby boy. And I hate that my son isn't shown the respect he deserves. I hate that my son doesn't get ANY recognition, even from his own grandparents. I hate that my son isn't HERE.

7 Comments:

At 1:19 AM, Blogger Jill said...

I'm so sorry it is getting so gard for you again:( Everything you said is right - it isn't fair that Caleb doesn't get the same recognition as someone else's son. None of it is fair ((hugs))

 
At 8:39 AM, Blogger lauralu said...

julie, i saw the second half of that episode, and pretty much bawled through it! i need that tv control that allows certain shows to be blocked.

regarding the grandparents, do they know that it matters to you? do you have any pictures you could give them?

we re-printed a couple of the better pictures we had and gave them to the grandparents (and the great-grandma) at the memorial service; we also included color copies we made of the hand- and footprint certificate the hospital gave us. both grandmothers and the great-grandma have framed them and have them on display at home, and i love seeing them when i'm at their houses.

i don't mean to oversimplify or assume that it would be easy. everyone has a different perspective of a stillborn baby, and in our case it was made much easier by the fact that they all saw and held him, making him a real baby to them.

i just wanted to encourage you to give them a way to acknowledge him if you could, for your sake as much as theirs.

 
At 9:25 AM, Blogger Catherine said...

I wish I had the magic answer that would ease your pain. I can tell you that talking about my nightmares did help me. It seemed to take away their power. I'm sending you tons of hugs and peaceful thoughts.

 
At 8:07 AM, Blogger Lola said...

He exists for me. I didn't know him and I don't know you except through your blog, but your writing brings him to life and I feel your loss. I don't know if that's worth anything, but I wanted you to know.

I'm so sorry you feel let down. I wish I could help.

 
At 1:50 PM, Blogger April said...

You're right. It isn't fair. I am so incredibly sorry that you had to go through such heartache.

 
At 1:30 PM, Blogger AJW5403 said...

I just found your blog and have been reading through it and I am so sorry things are still so hard. I don't know you but want you to know you are in my thoughts.

 
At 10:18 PM, Blogger msfitzita said...

I hate that your sweet Caleb isn't here too. I hate that you know this awful pain that I know. I hate that we both have pictures of our dead babies on our walls. I hate it all too. I hate it right along with you.

A thousand (((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))

 

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