Another Broken Heart

In case anyone is still reading this, please keep Molly's/ family in your prayers.

Happy 1st Birthday Lauren!!

I can't believe how fast the last year has gone by and how much you changed. I love you with all of my heart. Happy birthday sweet girl!

Sick

Both kids have their first ever ear infections. Fun stuff. Oh and we only found this out after sitting in Urgent Care for 6 hours on Monday. I have yet to figure out what the point of having a pediatrician is if you can't get your kids in to see them when they are sick. So now both kids are on antibiotics, and seem to be feeling a bit better. Of course it seems like I picked up something in that nasty UC waiting room, because now I am fighting getting sick. Good times.

On a roll now

2 posts in a month! (assuming this one actually gets posted)

Things have been hectic here lately. My pc died so I have lost all of my links, etc, and I am stuck with dh's laptop, which is not the greatest thing in the world. Dh has taken the hard drive to work, etc, and even when it was supposedly fixed, it was not. And now it's sitting here like a giant paperweight, I guess waiting on me to decide what to do with it.

Anyway, Evan started school. We (ok, there is no "we", it was "I") started to get a bit worried about waiting it out and trying to get Evan into a spot in public 4-K, so I decided to ask our playgroup if they knew of any good 4-K's here. I got a few recommendations and I decided to call and find out tuition costs, etc. Well one of the schools I called asked me if I wanted to be on their waiting list for the 3 year old class and I said yes, totally not thinking anything else about it. I got a call about a week later that there was a spot for Evan. I wasn't planning on putting him in school until fall, but this just sounded too perfect. It's 2 days a week, 3 hours a day, so a nice slow transition to school for a kid who has NEVER been left anywhere (except when L was born and then he was at our house with my mom). He started school Thursday and he loved it. He didn't need me to stay with him at all, and his teacher said he did great. I did ok myself. I thought for sure I would have a much harder time with it all, but really it wasn't so bad. I did have a talk with the director of the preschool about Caleb. I told her that if for some reason he were to say he has a brother, I do NOT want anyone telling him he doesn't. Not that Evan EVER talks about Caleb, but I felt like I needed to tell her about him anyway.

And so we have made it through yet another huge milestone........

Five Years

You would be 5 years old today. Five. Years. Old. It's absolutely unimaginable. I try to think of what you might be like, and I can't. I didn't get to see your eyes. I didn't get to see your smile, or hear your cry. You feel so far away at this point. Not a day has gone by where I havne't thought of you. My heart was shattered the day you left, and has never completely healed. My arms still ache to hold you.
I look at your brother and sister, and I see how completely opposite they are from each other, and I can't help but wonder how you would have fit in. You and Evan would have been so close in age (but I still think we would have him, even if you had lived) and it makes me wonder if you would be fighting like cats and dogs, or if you would be closer because of it. For some reason I imagine you would be calmer and more laid back than Evan. I picture you with light blonde hair and intense blue eyes just like Lauren and Evan have. I wonder how different our life would be if you were still here.
It is so hard to believe you have been gone for some long. I remember in those first days not knowing how I was going to live a week, or a month, and eventually a year without you here. I didn't know what I was supposed to do with myself. I had a child, but the only way I could take care of him was by making sure his memorial stone in the cemetary was clean. I have your brother and sister now to take care of, and they truely make me happy, but I am reminded of you with every thing they do. You are never forgotten, and always very much loved.
I wish you were here today to open presents and blow out candles. I wish I could take pictures of your smiling face. I miss you with all of my heart. Happy 5th Birthday Caleb. I love you.

Yet another holiday without him

It never changes. I still miss him. I still ache to have him here. I will smile, and I will be genuinely happy while I take Evan (and Lauren since dh is working nights) out tonite, but it's all bittersweet. On the way to get the candy bowl out of my van, there was a penny on the ground. Thank you Caleb, I needed that.

And the countdown is on. Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas. And his 5th birthday. ::sigh::

October 15th