Another Tragic Ending

I am heartbroken to think of another family living this life, celebrity or not.

My poor little neglected blog............

I keep meaning to post, but seriously people, it would bore you. To TEARS.

The pregnancy is going fine. I am 9 days from my u/s. It feels like it will NEVER get here. I have actually been somewhat positive about things lately. I feel the baby move some each day. The movements are still not overly strong, so if I am not paying attention I will miss them. I have decided the doppler isn't so bad after all, (yeah, I couldn't bring myself to send it back) and have been using it almost daily again. Physically, I am not feeling too bad MOST of the time.

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We finally went outlet shopping last weekend. Dh needed to get some new running shoes for his PRT coming up next month, so it sounded like a good excuse to hit the outlets to me. I had to return some stuff that mil had gotten for Evan anyway. While we were in Williamsburg, I decided to FINALLY stop at one of the Christmas stores there. I had been meaning to stop there forever, and just never managed to do it, but I was driving, and it was early in the day, so I stopped. I was on a mission. I needed to find a new Christmas tree for Caleb's grave. The one we were using has been used since Christmas 03, and was starting to look faded and the branches were starting to rust. We have looked every year for a replacement, but haven't been able to find one that was "right". We went into the store, and I headed straight upstairs. There were several of the mini trees there. Most of them were in little baskets for the bases, and honestly looked a little like Charlie Brown trees. (ok yeah, I AM exaggerating, but you get the point) They weren't full enough, and I was not sure they would work for mom with them being in bakets anyway. (She needs to be able to take the tree off of the base, and then she puts it in floral foam and wires it into the vase on Caleb's stone). Then, back behind this little bunch of trees was one that looked a little different. It looked FULLER. And there was no basket! It was on a base that is made to look somewhat like a tree stump, and I THINK it's some type of foam!! I grabbed it. $13. I can deal with that!! So I bought it. I bought the second Christmas tree for my dead son's grave. Tis the season.

My mom says that her and my dad, and neice and nephews are coming up for Thanksgiving and I will give her the tree then instead of trying to ship it. Hopefully they actually get to come, and then mom and I can decorate his tree then. I want to have a part in getting the tree ready for him since I am not sure we will be able to go to SC this year (since I will be about 30w pg at Christmas).

I can't stand that I haven't done more for Caleb this year. I haven't bought anything for him in a long time. I haven't been to his grave since June. I wish he was closer. No, that's not right either. I wish he was HERE, and ALIVE, and none of this shit would matter.

Ok I knew better

I knew the night would come where the toddler bed wasn't such a success. Evan saved that night for dh's first night shift. I thought that was what would happen. He was out of bed *6* times last night. The kid is AMAZINGLY quiet too. I would glance over toward the stairs, and see one little eye peeking at me. It was all I could do not to laugh. I finally had to close his bedroom door though. It was the only way he would stay in bed.

At least something was easy

Or at least it's easy SO FAR.

We took down the crib and put Evan in a toddler bed. He is doing WONDERFULLY so far. I am absolutely amazed. We left him in the crib forever, because honestly, he was happy there, and why mess with a good thing? He wasn't climbing out (although he would put on leg up on the rail, like he was threatening to climb out) and he slept there so well. I was so scared of the transition. Back in June, my mom gave me the toddler bed my brother was using for my nephew. The thing is ugly, but it was free. So about 4 days ago, I got sick of looking at parts of that toddler bed leaning against the wall in my dining room, so we put it together. He went straight to bed that night. And STAYED in bed. So far, nights have been a breeze. Yesterday, at naptime, he got up and played in his room for about an hour. Then he got back into bed and went to sleep on his own. His room was trashed, but he took a nice long nap. I am so so proud of him.

On the baby front, there is not much to report. I am sending the doppler back tomorrow because I have not touched it since I couldn't find the hb. I just don't think it's worth it to add MORE fear. I am thinking that I am feeling movement now, but then I catch myself thinking "I could be imagining the whole thing. The baby could be dead, and I am imagining movement. How stupid will I look THEN?" UGH. 3 more weeks until my u/s and my next appointment.

Ouch

There was a post on one of the message boards I post on last night that was like a slap in the face. Its a message board where I post with other March 2004 moms, and they all know about Caleb. I have posted with these women for a long time, and I can say they have been nothing but supportive over the last 2 years I have been with them. Last night though, I went to check the messages, and there was this post.

"guys- i am beyond devastated. my fil wife's water broke this afternoon and she lost the baby. she was 22 weeks and it looks like her placenta ruptured. she is being induced as we speak and has to deliver the baby vaginally. she is on a pitocin drip. i cannot believe they did not knock her out. can you imagine being in l and d, hooked up to pit waiting to deliver a baby that will never take its first breath??? according to the drs the baby was "healthy". please say some prayers for her since she is obviously heartbroken. she is 38 and fil is 61. i doubt they will try again. all she wanted was to be a mom."

Ummm yeah, I can imagine. In fact, I have been there, done that. For 11 of the 18 hours of labor with Caleb, I knew he was gone. Basically, I posted back "Yeah, I can imagine." and then I told her how sorry I was for her family, and also told her if there was anything I could do, to please let me know. Then I also emailed her a list of resources from Kate.

I knew this girl meant NOTHING by it. She is one of the sweetest people, but that post just HIT me. She is usually very compassionate, but just wasn't thinking. She posted back and apoligized to me, and then emailed me privately too. I was just really surprised by her saying that, especially since her big brother was stillborn in the 60's.

Kind of makes you wonder how many stupid, hurtfull things we have all said without really thinking.

Breathe with me

I had my dr appointment today. All is looking "perfect". Heart rate is in the 150's. I can breathe again. At least for a couple of days anyway.

I am trying very very hard to be positive about things. But then I hear my dr telling me that Caleb looked "perfect" too. 2 days later, he was dead.

But a heartrate in the 150's is a start. I'll have to take it. And make that last another 4 weeks.

U/S is scheduled for October 3rd. This is going to be a LONG month.