Wednesday, July 25, 2007

Attached or Detached?

I noticed a few days ago that the kids had different earlobes. (Yes, it's probably weird, I know) Evan's are attached, and Lauren's are detached. I couldn't remember how dh's were, but mine are detached. Well, when I finally thought if it with dh around to check, I realized he has attached earlobes. I thought it was really interesting how one of the kids took after me, and one took after him. Then he mentioned it. "I wonder how Caleb's were."
The thing is, I can't remember. And you can't tell in any of the pictures. They put a hat on him when he was born, and pretty much kept one on him beacuse "it looked better that way" (someone told us to try to pick an outfit with a hat to bury him in because they look better in hats. The funeral director maybe?). There is one picture of him with no hat on, and it looks like his earlobes are probably attached, but you can't be certain. I just hate that we didn't know to look for little things like that. We didn't think to memorize his entire body, head to toe to make future comparisons, and we had no one to tell us we needed to. I wish we had had more guidence in the whole situation. It seemed like everyone was afraid to suggest things to us, and we NEEDED it at that point. But how do you get a lifetime of memories in a matter of hours? How do you prepare to never see someone again? How do you not miss out on a little detail? I never imagined something as small as earlobes would turn out to be so important.

Monday, July 23, 2007

On Anger

Recent posts over at Everything Is Under Control got me thinking about anger. Actually, it's something I had been thinking of anyway, but I finally decided to blog about it. The truth is, I still have anger. And LOTS of it. I have realized that I can't deal with pregnant women. I had my annual not too long ago, and when I pulled into the parking lot at the ob/gyn's office there was a very pg woman getting into her Suburban with her ENTIRE family (the grandparents and all). The thing is, I hated that woman. Yes, I know, I DON'T know what she has been through. She could have a "history" and it could have taken her years of ttc to finally get to be pg. I am WELL aware of that. We all know loss happens with shocking frequency, and infertility is a very real issue for so many people, but it's hard to sit in ob waiting rooms and listen to the conversations, and the optimistic conversations. The fluffy pregnancy talk STILL infuriates me, even with 2 successful subsequent pregnancies.
One of the guys dh works with is about to have his first child (his wife is due on the 27th) and eventhough I have never met him, I HATE him. I hate that him and his wife get the end of pregnancy excitement and anticipation. I hate that chances are, they aren't thinking of their baby dying at any moment. I hate that they aren't terrified. And I hate myself for hating them.
I don't want to be this bitter. It's not something I can just stop doing. I don't want any of these people to lose a baby. It's not that, but I don't want to be alone. I don't want to be the only person who was completely blindsided by my perfectly healthy, full term baby dying. I KNOW I am not alone when I think rationally, but none of this is rational at all.
So, yeah, I would say I am still angry. Even 4 and a half years later.

Sunday, July 22, 2007

He's my best boy

Lately Evan has started climbing up into my lap, and saying to me "Mommy, am I your best boy?" (I have NO idea where he got this from) I, of course tell him he is, and then my heart just aches.
What else am I supposed to say to a 3 year old? At the same time, I feel like I am cheating Caleb. I have 2 boys, so telling one he is the best just doesn't seem right. I am tired of everything being so complicated. Why can't an innocent question just be what it is? I will never stop hating this.

Thursday, July 19, 2007

He's such a big boy!

Evan had his first dentist appointment (after battling to get his insurance straightened out). We went to one of the kid's clinic places they have up here. They had a playground in the waiting room, etc. I got there, and the receptionist tells me that parents aren't allowed in the back. It was all I could do not to panic, and leave right then. She told me that they come out to the waiting room and get the child instead of the parent taking the child back, and then leaving them. It makes sence, but I wasn't sure how Evan would react to the whole thing since he is ALWAYS with me. They came to get him, and they took him to a big open room with about 8 dentist chairs, and they took me to the observation window. She told me that he would be in the main room, but if he started to get upset and cry, and they couldn't calm him down, they would take him to a room in the back, and I would still not be able to go with him. She asked me if I wanted them to do that, or if I wanted them to just give up and bring him back to me if he got upset. I told them to basically wait and see what happens. I just can't shake the thoughts of them doing horrible things to my son in some back room, and me not being there for him. The whole thing terrified me. She took him back and got him into a chair, and he did GREAT. He was so brave, and didn't cry at all. He got a little annoyed with her at the end of the cleaning and started trying to push her hand out of his mouth, but other than that, he handled the whole thing so well! He had no cavities and everything looked good, so we go back in 6 months.

On the way out, there was a penny on the floor in the waiting room. Then when we got to the van, a dragonfly landed on my mirror and just sat there. Thanks Caleb. I needed that.

Sunday, July 15, 2007

Name that tree

I saw this tree for the first time when we moved to VA 2 years ago. It's the tree I want to plant for Caleb when we eventually have a house of our own again. The problem is, I have NO clue what it is. Any ideas?

Friday, July 13, 2007

God I feel old!

Thursday, July 12, 2007

Random thoughts

I feel like a horrible mother. We took Evan to the pool today. He has totally lost ALL fear of the water, and he spent 2 hours there. He was coated head to toe in sunscreen, and still, his back is fried. Poor kiddo. It doesn't seem to be bothering him yet, but I still feel horrible for letting him get burnt. (I am burnt too, but luckily Lauren isn't.)

I STILL dont have my van back. It was supposed to be a 4 day repair. I brought it in on July 2nd. Hmm, you do the math. Their excuse? They have had to order *5* bumpers, because each bumper they get in is all scratched up. Not so sure I believe it. Oh and dh works over the weekend, so I am stuck at home with no car, AGAIN.

I drove by a cemetary the other day when I was dropping off the stroller we originally bought for Caleb at a consignment shop. My heart ached so much it surprised me. I wish Caleb's grave was closer. I miss being able to go. :sigh:

Lauren is developing the greatest personality! She is so smiley and happy all of the time. It's amazing how reflux meds change things. Now if she would just SLEEP occasionally, things would be great.

Thursday, July 05, 2007

5 Months old