Wednesday, January 31, 2007

Change of Plans

I had my 37 week appointment on Tuesday. It went well, with the baby still looking good, and passing her NST's. I am now 2cm dialated, so that's a good start for inducing. When I asked about my induction, and when I was supposed to be at the hospital though, we discovered a slight problem. The idiot who was supposed to actually schedule me never did. So now MY Dr. is booked for Wednesday the 7th, and there is no room for me. After a HUGE runaround (not worth typing it all out) I am not schediled to be induced Monday the 5th instead. MONDAY.

My in-laws have decided to stick with their plan of coming the 7th, which is good because I found out that the hospital stay up here is 2 days instead of the 24 hours after the birth that we stayed in SC when the boys were born. This 2 days thing REALLY bugs me, but I guess there isn't much I can do about it. I guess the worst part is the idea of leaving Evan that long. I have NEVER left him for longer than a couple of hours, and usually then, he was with dh, so he still had a parent with him. I know my mom will take excellent care of him, and they will have a blast (and don't forget how spoiled he will be!) but I am still really freaked out about being away from him.

Mom comes tomorrow. She decided to come a little early so we can get any of the last minute laundry etc. done, and so Evan can get used to her being here. (dh works over the weekend anyway, so it will be nice to have mom around to help)

The countdown is on.......

Sunday, January 28, 2007

Family Annoyances

Anyone that knows anything about me at all knows that I am not overly fond of my in laws. MIL has really done and said some horrible things to me since Caleb died, and fil is just, well, weird. I deal with them for Evan's sake, because I feel like it's really important for him to have a relationship with his grandparents. No matter what though, I can't totally let go of the fact that they pretend that Caleb never existed (and he was their FIRST grandchild).

All of that is beside the point though. The thing is, dh is convinced I hate them, and it's a sore subject with us. I have to approach anything I say about them with EXTREME caution so dh doens't take it the wrong way.

The current issue? Well, it's their timing for coming to see their granddaughter, of course. I never really talked to them about when or even if they wanted to come up because honestly, I figured they would wait awhile. They are both teachers, and have crazy schedules with all kinds of other associations, etc they are members of. It seems like they always have something to do. Well, a couple of weeks ago, they called me and asked when my due date was (AGAIN). I told them it was Feb 20th, but that the baby would be born some time before then because I would be induced. For some reason, they went to work, and asked for a couple of days off that week (I believe it was the 20th and 21st?). Then they called and told us they had gotten the entire week off. A WEEK.

I was NOT happy about this news at all. See, the thing is, my mom is already coming. This has been planned for MONTHS. Mom will come up a few days before the baby is born to help with any last minute stuff we need done, and then she will be here to take care of Evan for us since we have no one else to do it. I trust my mother 100% to take care of Evan. She will be a HUGE help. I know that I won't have to worry about Evan at all. Then when we come home, mom will stay a little longer and help out with the baby, and with Evan. This is all going to be a huge disruption for Evan. He gets off of his schedule when mom comes anyway (or anyone comes for that matter) and then add in the fact that he has NEVER been left by mommy and daddy, especially not overnight. And then add in the new sister........ well you get the point. Then on top of that, his OTHER grandparents plan to come up too??? Just great. (have I mentioned that my in laws are absolutely NO help when it comes to taking care of kids? When they are here, they sit on the couch, or mil gets on the computer, and that is about it. they are just in the way, unlike my mom who will work her butt off the entire time she is here)

But then, I got scheduled for my induction on Feb 7th, and I felt like it would all be ok. I figured that gave Evan a LITTLE time to adjust, and things to calm down just a little before my in laws came around the 20th. I was a little less stressed about the whole thing, and felt like it would be ok.

Well, then dh called them and told them I was being induced on Feb 7th. Everything has changed now. Fil calls the next day, and tells him that the week of the 20th was never good for him anyway, and they wanted to know when we wanted them to come. Dh tells them to come whenever they want, and fil starts saying they will come up on the 7th. He tells dh they will leave from SC after they get out of school that day. After dh got off of the phone, I told him that that wasn't really the best time, but they could do what they want to do. They are not the kind of people who would sit around the hospital waiting for her to be born, so at least they won't be in MY way. I just don't want them here. I am scared it's going to be way too much for Evan, but what can I do. Dh won't listen because MY mom will be here, but that is only because she is going to be HELPING us.

Why can't men get that??

Thursday, January 25, 2007

Update, a little late

I have been having internet issues, so it's been too annoying trying to post anything. They came and fixed it today, so hopefully I can manage a post. We shall see.......

I had a dr appointment Monday. The baby is still looking good, and is still really low. I am 1cm dialated and 50% effaced. (not that that really means all that much) She slept through the first part of her NST AGAIN, so I had to drink some juice to get her going. I had very regular contractions on the monitor, but nothing the dr was really excited about (except for the fact that it gave him a chance to see the baby handles the contractions very well). The big new is we have a date!! I will be induced on Feb 7th!! Next appointment is Tuesday morning.

So now we can actually make some plans. Mom is coming up at some point to help me get things ready for the baby (and no, she still doesn't have a name) and then she will be here to watch Evan while we are at the hospital.

The terror of the whole thing is starting to really set in. I wake up at night and BEG the baby to move, and I can't go back to sleep until she does. There are times when I am absolutely convinced that she is NOT moving as much as she was, and I am scared out of my mind. I really don't want her to be born too early, but I want her HERE so I can see for myself that she is ok. And the funny thing is, I am not nearly as scared this time as I was with Evan. If I made it through with him, I am sure I can make it to the end with this baby too.

13 more days............

Sunday, January 14, 2007


Ever since we found out that this baby is a girl, I keep having mother's of girls telling me all about attitude. "You just wait, girls can have the worst attitudes!!" Well, I know I don't have a girl, but trust me, I know a bit about attitude!! Take this conversation between Evan and I over lunch:

E: Mommy, I want some candy.
Me: Evan, you have to eat your lunch first, THEN you can have candy.
E: Mommy, I want candy. (as he is getting down from the table, food untouched.)
Me: Evan, if you dont eat, you don't get candy.
Me: Absolutely not.

Later that day..........

Me: Evan, please clean up your dinosaurs.
E: (looking me dead in the eye) Absolutely not.

Friday, January 12, 2007


We made it through yet another year without Caleb here with us. I remember in those first moments, when we were told he was gone, telling dh "I can't do this" and I was SURE that I couldn't. At the time, I think I meant I couldn't labor, and then deliver my dead son, but then, as each task got more horrific, I think I realized I meant I couldn't do ANY of it. I couldn't bear the silence as he came into this world. I couldn't bear holding him, and feeling him slowly get cold. I couldn't bear walking out of that hospital without him. I couldn't bear sitting in a funeral home, making arrangements for him to be picked up, and then put in a little casket. I couldn't find a plot to bury him in the cold January ground. And most of all, I could not allow them to put him IN that ground.

But as each task arrived, I did it. I went through the motions, and did what I had to do, because honestly, I was not given a choice. I was not ASKED if this is what I wanted to do. My son had to be taken care of, and that was the only way we COULD take care of him.

The days went by, and I wondered how I would make it through the week. Then it was wondering how I would make it through the following week. Slowly, it became months that seemed impossible to make it through. I met people online who had been without their babies for YEARS and I couldn't imagine it. I was amazed that they were still alive. I was amazed that they had gone through this, and could still function, and even be HAPPY.

And now here I am, 4 YEARS later. Sometimes this does not feel real at all. I have the pictures of Caleb on my walls. I have figurines, and momentos people have sent to me. I have pictures of a grave, with my son's name on the stone. There is proof everywhere of someone missing, but it all still seems so unreal. Until I look at the Christmas tree, and all of the wrapped presents underneath, and I think "Can you imagine how many there would be if BOTH of our boys were here?". Or I see 2 brothers close in age, or hear someone call their Caleb while we are out in public, and it slaps me in the face all over again.

Yes, I have managed to survive the last 4 years of my life. I am so amazed when I really think about the whole thing. I have managed to find happiness, and continue to live my life. That is not to say there isn't sadness, but it's not CONSTANT. I am in no way over it, but I have learned to live with my life the way it is (ONLY because I was not given a choice) and find happiness and hope in Evan, and now the new baby girl we wait so cautiously for.

Survival IS possible.

Friday, January 05, 2007

Happy Birthday

Happy 4th Birthday Caleb. I love you and miss you with all of my heart.

Tuesday, January 02, 2007


I have been really good at keeping myself distracted lately. I have hardly had time to really think of Caleb's birthday coming up on Friday (which of course makes me feel guilty as hell). Here is what has been going on:

My appointment last Thurday went well. I just absolutely LOVE my doctor! My weight, blood pressure, etc, were all fine. I am measuring right on track, and the baby sounded great. He said at my next appointment, we would do our first NST (Januray 8th). I asked him if we would get a chance to try to check for gander again, and he said "Oh, we never did get to do that, did we?" and then took me straight back to the ultrasound room to see if we could take a look.
We got cooperation this time. We know that DEFINATELY this is a GIRL!!!!!!

My parents came up Friday, and just left this morning. LOTS of shopping was done. Baby girl (still nameless at this point) has tons of frills and pinks and flowers. Of course all of the stuff is still in the bags, with the receipts, and the tags still on it, but hey, shopping is a start!

Mom and I also went shopping for flowers to make an arrangement for the front of her church in Caleb's memory. Evan helped us pick them out. God, it rips my heart out. It's so wrong. Mom will go and get a balloon for his grave, and arrange some flowers there. And she will most likely buy him a toy to take to his grave too. We are not going to make the 5 hour drive down there to go to his grave, which is really bothering me. I have a candle to light for him here, and we will probably get some balloons to release on Saturday because dh has to work on his actual birthday. I haven't decided if we will do anything else, like get a cake or anything like that.

Today, since my parents and neice and nephews are gone, and the house is somewhat back to normal, I am trying to stop the memories from flooding back in. I try not to think about January 2 2003, when I had the last dr appointment, and the last time I heard Caleb's heart beating away. The last chance I had to say "the baby isn't moving as much as he was" and could have possibly changed it all. My last chance to realize that Caleb was in trouble. Instead, when I was asked if the baby was still moving, I said yes, and left it at that. I can still hear my dr telling me he sounded perfect, and then setting up the plan to induce that monday, on January 6th.

So here we are, almost 4 years from that day. He feels so far away.