Monday, February 27, 2006

Put This Behind You and Move On

Someone emailed this to me so I thought I would share.

Put This Behind You and Move On

When you say to someone who has lost a child, "You must put this behind you and move on with your life", I am wondering in what way do you mean that? Perhaps it is something that we need to start asking you. We are continuing to live our lives, so it should be explained to us in terms that we can understand. "Put this behind you", is the part that I really have a problem understanding. What are we to put behind us? Our life? Our memories? Or the fact that we had another child? The fact that they have died? Are you telling us we must totally forget those things and go on as if our children never existed? I think it is time to ask you to define exactly what you are saying. You want us to go back to the past and return to being happy? Give us back our children and we will do that. But since you cannot return the things that made us happy, how do you expect us to do that? Forget them? That would be to say they had no value in our lives. For me, what you are saying is they lived for no reason. Their lives had great value, whether you choose to recognize it or not. It is a thoughtless and insensitive thing to say to someone who has lost the most important part of his or her life. When you see someone who has lost a leg, or an arm, would you say "You must forget this and move on with your life"? No matter how much time has passed would you believe this is an appropriate thing to say to them? Why then when we have lost something more important to us than our arms, legs, or our lives, would you feel it is appropriate to say it to us? Don't you realize we would gladly give those things to have them back again. Or to say it to someone else, when you are talking about us, as if you must find some way to blame us for our grief; that is even worse. This is one of those senseless statements made by people who do not stop to think of how ignorant and how foolish it is. If you must speak that way, at least think it through and define what you are saying. Is that person holding a job or raising other children? Are they sharing a marriage and doing the normal things in their lives? Then how are they failing to move on with their lives? Is it because they are still grieving? That does not stop us from moving on with our lives ~ ~ Life continues whether we want it to or not. We have not stopped living!! Put what behind us? Have you forgotten any one of your children? When they have moved away from home do you stop remembering them? Have you forgotten all the special days of celebration or the foods they enjoy when they come to visit? Why would you believe we should and how are we to do that? Explain it to us. I believe it is time for some honesty and that we need to examine what is being said. I believe the truth is that YOU cannot deal with our unhappiness. You are still looking for that person that you knew before tragedy hit our lives. Can you return to the person you were two years ago? Or four years ago? Or any time in the past? No, none of us can. We are shaped by the circumstances of our lives and there is no going backward. We do move on with our lives. Forever changed and forever different but still we are moving on. We simply cannot move backward...... back to who we were before. We can no longer be the joyful , happy people that we once were. We have suffered pain that you can never comprehend and we pray that you never do. We are forever changed and if you feel that you must say things "for our own good", at least think it through and define what you mean by them. That statement makes no sense and is only something you have heard and something people believe is appropriate. Those words have no meaning.

by Netta Wilson with the help of Mary Catherine Jones

Sunday, February 26, 2006

1 box of yogurt covered raisins, 2 crackers, 3 wagon wheels, and 2 peices of cheese

Any guesses what the title is all about?

You got it. That is everything Evan ate today. All of it. Not that that was all that I OFFERED to him, but all he ate. I gave him lunch, and he clamped his mouth shut, while shaking his head and telling me no over and over. At dinner time, he took his plate and flipped it over, then took his fork and raked the food into the floor. Nice, huh?

The thing is, he was up again all night last night. He had a fever again, so I know he is not feeling all that great. I think it's probably a teething thing since he has been chewing his hand for days. I know he doesn't feel well, but OMG that is hard to keep in mind when you are exhausted from being up with him 2 nights in a row, and he's throwing his food on the floor.

He went to bed pretty easily tonite though. Yeah, I know, I should NOT have said that. Especially since dh is working tonite, so if he wakes up, it's all me. I guess I need to get my happy ass in bed, just so I can get SOME sleep before being awakened.

Saturday, February 25, 2006


AF showed her face yesterday, as I pretty much knew she would. The thing is, our timing sucks, so I didn't EXPECT to be pg, but I was really hoping that last cycle would have been a few days longer. Now we are kind of left with a dilemma.

We are leaving for SC some time this week and will most likely stay a week. We decided it would be easier for US to go to SC for Evan's b-day party then for the whole family to have to travel up here and then stay in hotels which, honestly, most of them can't afford. But the problem is, if we leave on the first, and stay a week, that will put us getting home roughly around cd14. Most likely too late to get pg again this cycle. I know it's not entirely IMpossible since I have been O'ing around cd 15 or 16, but I am not getting my hopes up.

Which brings me to dilemma number 2. If we don't manage to get pg in March, I am not totally sure if we will skip April at all or not. If we get pg in April, we will have another January edd. I am not totally sure if I can do that ever again. Caleb was due January 15th, and his b-day is January 5th, so not sure I would want to share those dates with another baby. I just don't know.


Evan didnt sleep last night, and woke up with a fever today. No idea what is going on. He didnt seem sick at all, but he refuses to eat (not really anything new there though!). I am worn out from staying up with him (dh had to be at work at 5am so he was no help). Why is it that on the days that you are counting on them to nap, they REFUSE?? He's up there occasionally screaming at the top of his lungs. My guess would be that he is screaming if he gets too close to falling asleep. I would kill for a nap myself, but doesn't look like that's gonna happen.

Saturday, February 18, 2006


When those first flakes started falling earlier today, I was torn. Part of me wanted it to go away, because dh had to work tonite, which meant he would have to drive 20 miles at some point, and well, let's face it people, we both lived in SC for the majority of our lives. We both have VERY limited experience driving in any kind of snow or ice, and pretty much avoid it if at all possible. But the other part of me wanted it to stick. Desperately. Guess that goes back to being from SC too. Evan has never seen snow STICK to the ground. He saw some flakes last weekend, but it was melting as soon as it hit the ground so he didn't get to play in it or anything. (he just stood at the back door saying "Whoa!" over and over). So when it started to stick, I was thrilled, but also in the middle of making a pot of chilli. I decided that I would finish the chilli, then take Evan outside to play a little before dh had to get ready to go to work. Well, in the 45 minutes or so that it took us to get ready, the snow turned to sleet, and the accumulation on the ground was melting fast. Damn it. We suited Evan up anyway, and we walked to Blockbuster (we had some movies that were really overdue!) Evan couldn't have been happier, walking to blockbuster with us, no stroller, and the snow/ sleet coming down on us. On the way back, I taught him how to stomp in the puddles. We were both SOAKED when we got back to the apartment. God how I wish I would have gotten to show Caleb how to stomp in the puddles too.

How Things Have Changed

In light of my last post, I came to a couple of realizations. They aren't really NEW to me, I have figured all of this out before, but I guess I am remembering them now. I have lost absolutely everyone but my family (and what choice did they really have but to keep me) and my husband. That's it. Oh, wait, I have one friend I had before my life was so drastically changed, but she lives 7 hours away. And the thing is, I am not the only one this has happened to. I am not alone at all.
The second thing is, the people that I meet now don't know who I was. They don't know how life was before Caleb. They don't know how drastically different I was. What a weird thought.
I also thought about the fact that these new people in my life have no way of knowing Caleb ever existed unless I TELL them. They don't know I have a gaping hole in my heart.
So this is the thing, how do I make these new people begin to get it, when, obviously, I failed to even get the people that HELD Caleb to understand. Boy, I don't have a chance, do I?
I do understand that those people that haven't been through it, don't get it. I just hate that that means the the ones that HAVE been through it have to suffer even MORE than they already are. Just like you said Lorem, left with no babies, and no friends. How the hell did we end up being the ones chosen for this???

Friday, February 17, 2006

Because sometimes people need a reminder

Someone had shared this with me and I thought I would pass it on....

What we wish you knew about pregnancy loss:
A letter from women to their friends and family When women experience the loss of a child, one of the first things they discover they have in common is a list of things they wish no one had ever said to them. The lists tend to be remarkably similar. The comments are rarely malicious - just misguided attempts to soothe. This list was compiled as a way of helping other people understand pregnancy loss. While generated by mothers for mothers, it may also apply similarly to the fathers who have endured this loss. When trying to help a woman who has lost a baby, the best rule of thumb is a matter of manners: don't offer your personal opinion of her life, her choices, and her prospects for children. No woman is looking to poll her acquaintances for their opinions on why it happened or how she should cope. -Don't say, "It's God's Will." Even if we are members of the same congregation, unless you are a cleric and I am seeking your spiritual counseling, please don't presume to tell me what God wants for me. Besides, many terrible things are God's Will, that doesn't make them less terrible. -Don't say, "It was for the best - there was probably something wrong with your baby." The fact that something was wrong with the baby is what is making me so sad. My poor baby never had a chance. Please don't try to comfort me by pointing that out. -Don't say, "You can always have another one." This baby was never disposable. If had been given the choice between loosing this child and stabbing my eye out with a fork, I would have said, "Where's the fork?" I would have died for this baby, just as you would die for your children. -Don't say, "Be grateful for the children you have." If your mother died in a terrible wreck and you grieved, would that make you less grateful to have your father? -Don't say, "Thank God you lost the baby before you really loved it." I loved my son or daughter. Whether I lost the baby after two weeks of pregnancy or just after birth, I loved him or her. -Don't say, "Isn't it time you got over this and moved on?" It's not something I enjoy, being grief-stricken. I wish it had never happened. But it did and it's a part of me forever. The grief will ease on its own timeline, not mine - or yours. -Don't say, "Now you have an angel watching over you." I didn't want her to be my angel. I wanted her to bury me in my old age. -Don't say, "I understand how you feel." Unless you've lost a child, you really don't understand how I feel. And even if you have lost a child, everyone experiences grief differently. -Don't tell me horror stories of your neighbor or cousin or mother who had it worse. The last thing I need to hear right now is that it is possible to have this happen six times, or that I could carry until two days before my due-date and labor 20 hours for a dead baby. These stories frighten and horrify me and leave me up at night weeping in despair. Even if they have a happy ending, do not share these stories with me. -Don't pretend it didn't happen and don't change the subject when I bring it up. If I say, "Before the baby died..." or "when I was pregnant..." don't get scared. If I'm talking about it, it means I want to. Let me. Pretending it didn't happen will only make me feel utterly alone. - Don't say, "It's not your fault." It may not have been my fault, but it was my responsibility and I failed. The fact that I never stood a chance of succeeding only makes me feel worse. This tiny little being depended upon me to bring him safely into the world and I couldn't do it. I was supposed to care for him for a lifetime, but I couldn't even give him a childhood. I am so angry at my body you just can't imagine. -Don't say, "Well, you weren't too sure about this baby, anyway." I already feel so guilty about ever having complained about morning sickness, or a child I wasn't prepared for, or another mouth to feed that we couldn't afford. I already fear that this baby died because I didn't take the vitamins, or drank too much coffee, or had alcohol in the first few weeks when I didn't know I was pregnant. I hate myself for any minute that I had reservations about this baby. Being unsure of my pregnancy isn't the same as wanting my child to die - I never would have chosen for this to happen. -Do say, "I am so sorry." That's enough. You don't need to be eloquent. Say it and mean it and it will matter. -Do say, "You're going to be wonderful parents some day," or "You're wonderful parents and that baby was lucky to have you." We both need to hear that. -Do say, "I have lighted a candle for your baby," or "I have said a prayer for your baby."
Do send flowers or a kind note - every one I receive makes me feel as though my baby was loved. Don't resent it if I don't respond. Don't call more than once and don't be angry if the machine is on and I don't return your call. If we're close friends and I am not responding to your attempts to help me, please don't resent that, either.
Help me by not needing anything from me for a while. If you're my boss or my co-worker: -Do recognize that I have suffered a death in my family - not a medical condition. -Do recognize that in addition to the physical aftereffects I may experience, I'm going to be grieving for quite some time.
Please treat me as you would any person who has endured the tragic death of a loved one - I need time and space.
Please don't bring your baby or toddler into the workplace. If your niece is pregnant, or your daughter just had a baby, please don't share that with me right now. It's not that I can't be happy for anyone else, it's that every smiling, cooing baby, every glowing new mother makes me ache so deep in my heart I can barely stand it. I may look okay to you, but there's a good chance that I'm still crying every day. It may be weeks before I can go a whole hour without thinking about it. You'll know when I'm ready - I'll be the one to say, "Did your daughter have her baby?" or, "How is that precious little boy of yours? I haven't seen him around the office in a while." Above all, please remember that this is the worst thing that ever happened to me. The word "miscarriage" is small and easy. But my baby's death is monolithic and awful. It's going to take me a while to figure out how to live with it. Bear with me.
1. I wish you would not be afraid to mention my baby. The truth is just because you never see my baby doesn't mean he or she doesn't deserve your recognition.
2. I wish that if we did talk about my baby and I cried you didn't think it was because you have hurt me by mentioning my baby. The truth is I need to cry and talk about my baby with you. Crying and emotional outbursts help me heal.
3. I wish that you could talk about my baby more than once. The truth is if you do, it reassures me that you haven't forgotten and that you do care and understand.
4. I wish you wouldn't think that I don't want to talk about my baby. The truth is I love my baby and need to talk about him or her.
5. I wish you could tell me that you are sorry my baby has died and that you are thinking of me. The truth is that it tells me you care.
6. I wish you wouldn't think what has happened is one big bad memory for me. The truth is the memory of my baby, the love I feel for my baby, the dreams I had and the memories I have created for my baby are all loving memories. Yes there are bad memories too but please understand that it's not all like that.
7. I wish you wouldn't pretend that my baby never existed. The truth is we both know I had a baby growing inside me.
8. I wish you wouldn't judge me because I am not acting the way you think I should be. The truth is grief is a very personal thing and we are all different people who deal with things differently.
9. I wish you wouldn't think if I have a good day I'm "over it" or if I have a bad day I am being unreasonable because you think I should be over it. The truth is there is no "normal" way for me to act.
10. I wish you wouldn't stay away from me. The truth is loosing my baby doesn't mean I'm contagious. By staying away you make me feel isolated, confused and like it is my fault.
11. I wish you wouldn't expect my grief to be "over and done with" in a few weeks, months, or years for that matter. The truth is it may get easier with time but I will never be "over" this.
12. I wish you wouldn't think that my baby wasn't really a baby and it was blood and tissue or a fetus. The truth is my baby was a human life. My baby had a soul, heart, body, legs, arms and a face. I have seen my baby's body and face. My baby was a real person.
13. My baby’s due date, Mothers Day, celebration times, the day my baby died and the day I lost my baby are all important and sad days for me. The truth is I wish you could tell me by words or by letter you are thinking of me on these days.
14. I wish you understood that losing my baby has changed me. The truth is I am not the same person I was before and will never be that person again. If you keep waiting for me to get back to "normal" you will stay frustrated. I am a new person with new thoughts, dreams, beliefs, and values. Please try to get to know the real me-maybe you'll still like me.
15. I wish you wouldn't tell me I could have another baby. The truth is I want the baby I lost and no other baby can replace this baby. Babies aren't interchangeable. Besides, you do not know whether we have fertility problems too.
16. I wish you wouldn't feel awkward or uncomfortable talking about my baby or being near me. When you do, I can see it. The truth is it's not fair to make me feel uncomfortable just because you are.
17. I wish you wouldn't think that you'll keep away because all my friends and family will be there for me. The truth is, everyone thinks the same thing and I am often left with no one.
18. I wish you would understand that being around pregnant women is uncomfortable for me. The truth is I feel jealous.
19. I wish you wouldn't say that it is nature’s way of telling me something was wrong with my baby. The truth is my baby was perfect to me no matter what you think nature is saying.
20. I wish you would understand what you are really saying when you say "next time things will be okay". The truth is how do you know? What will you say if it happens to me again?
21. I wish you would understand that I cannot come to your baby shower or to visit your new baby in the hospital. The truth is that my arms are empty, and I didn’t get to have these celebrations with my baby, so I feel sad and jealous.

All is quiet here. Evan's upstairs, taking his nap, dh is working, and I am downstairs with a bag of chocolate covered peanuts. I figured it was a perfect time to post on my neglected blog (if anyone is still reading).

I have actually been able to get out and be social lately! It's been so nice to hang out with other mommies, or ADULTS for that matter. Dh watched Evan for me on V-Day so I could go out with 2 women he works with to the outlet stores in Williamsburg. It was so WEIRD to be without Evan. We have no baby sitter, so he's ALWAYS with me. Both of the women I was with had their baby girls with them, but I didn't have my boy. It was weird to go in places and have people ooh and aah over their kids, and mine wasn't there. And it kind of sucked that I had to shop on the opposite side of the stores as them (the boys side and they were on the girl side). All in all I had a good time though. I really do like hanging out with J. (not so much the other girl though). I think we are going out with J. tonite after they get off of work. (J.'s dh is also Navy, and gone for the next month).

Yesterday I met up with a woman that I met on babycenter. The weather was INSANELY nice (we are talkin' upper 60's and lots of sun!) So I decided to take Evan to the zoo. Dh was working, so I emailed this woman and asked if she wanted to join me. HUGE step for me. She met me there with her 18 month old son. We had a really good time. She is really sweet, and not ridiculously young (like alot of the mothers around here seem to be). She has a 13 year old, a 7 year old and the 18 month old. Anyway, her dh does the same thing in the Navy that mine does, they work on the same base (which is kind of odd since dh doesn't work on the main base) and have been on one of the same ships. She gave me the name of another group she is in so I could join. I'm actually pretty excited about it! It's just so nice to be around adults sometimes!

On the ttc front, I think I might try OPK's for the next cycle. It's worth a shot, and since FF is constantly fucking with me and changing dates on me, it might give me something more to go on. We will see what happens.

Saturday, February 11, 2006

I've got it figured out. Evan doesn't WANT another sibling. Seriously. Dh had to work overnight yesterday and today (last night and tonight). So that means, in order to sneak in some bd (sorry Lola) we have to do it while Evan is napping, before dh goes off to work. Yesterday, Evan went to take his nap on time, but only slept for an hour, so when dh was getting up, Evan woke up. Today, Evan skipped the nap totally. Pretty sure that just threw away another month. FUCK.

Tuesday, February 07, 2006

Yet another Reason to hate her

Gotta love Britney , don't ya?

Friday, February 03, 2006

Not Authorized to View This Page??

Ok so I went to check up on my blogs, and for a couple of them, I am getting an error message "Not authorized to view this page". Ummm ok.

(Anam Cara, yours is one of them that I can remember right off-hand??)