Tuesday, May 31, 2005

Man Struck By Lightning

Did any of you see this story? A 70 year old man was struck by lightning while he was visiting his son's grave. He was found the next day under a tree. http://http://www.dailystar.com/dailystar/allheadlines/77459.php

You know I never really thought about it until I saw that story, but that wouldn't be so bad to die while I was with my son. I would be ok with that I think. Trust me, I don't want it to happen, I know E needs me. But it wouldn't be such a bad thing to die there.

So I have been pretty bothered by something almost all day. I posted the Hallmark petition on FF. I put it on the ttc after loss board, but I also went to the pregnancy side and posted it on the loss support group and also the pregnancy after loss group. I know it's been viewed several times, and I know people are signing it, but it was one response from a girl on the Loss support group that is really eating at me. I know she meant no harm, but it still rubbed me the wrong way. I REALLY hope that what I am about to say doesn't offend anyone. It's not meant that way, it's just the way *I* feel. I really dont want to hurt any feelings. But this one girl made a comment about how she just suffered a miscarriage at 9 weeks and how that was "just as bad as losing after 9 months". I have to say that NO it's not. I know this from experience. I had a miscarriage at 10 weeks before we got pregnant with Caleb. I KNOW what it's like to have a miscarriage, BUT I also know what it's like to got through 38 weeks and 4 days, the whole time having perfect doctors appointments. I know what it's like to feel that baby move inside of me, to feel him react to different things i ate. I know what it's like to go to the hospital in labor and be told that your baby is dead, when just hours ago you felt him moving. I know what it's like to go through 18 hours of labor to deliver a baby that will never open his eyes and look up at you. I know what it's like to have a baby in a SILENT room. I know what it's like to hold my baby's dead body, and I know what it's like to see him in a casket. THAT is way more devastating then having a miscarriage at 9 weeks. PLEASE don't get me wrong, when I had a miscarriage, it was the most devastating thing I have ever been through. And yes it was still the death of a baby.....of MY baby, but no, it will never be as bad. I am not judging the way other people grieve, but I'll be honest, it bothered me to see her post. No it's just not the same. She mentioned in her post that they had just told people they were pregnant and now they had to tell people they had lost the baby. I had to see people in public that wanted to know where my baby was, and I had to tell them he was dead. But I would not change ANY of it. I would not give up the chance to be Caleb's mommy. I just wish I would have gotten to be Caleb's mommy for a little longer.

Going to eat brownies now..............

Obsess, slightly

I have decided to at least chart. Today was cd1 but I didn't get to temp. Evan woke up early and crying. I went in to get him and he was still laying down, and he looked up at me and smiled. I went back to go to the bathroom before I got him and he freaked out and started screaming. DH was sleeping downstairs and he came up while I was in the bathroom. When I came out he had Evan in bed with him. I don't know what happened to wake Evan up like that. Normally he stands in his crib and "talks" for at least 30 minutes. Gotta dig out the thermometer so I can temp. I know it's around here somewhere!!

Monday, May 30, 2005

To obsess, or not to obsess...

Oh I know, I can obsess on whether or not I will obsess!! I am trying to figure out what to do about ttc again. I desperately want another baby. And chances are, if we lived in SC and I still had my dr, none of this would be a question, but that's not the case. I need to decide if I am going to refill my pills. I also need to decide if I am going to chart. I think I might. Not serious charting, but I will temp since that is easy enough. I only charted one time and that was the cycle I got pg with Evan. It was nice to see my temps stay up, and kind of know before I took the test, but then again, maybe I already knew anyway. Why is it that men seem completely incapeable of HELPING us make these decisions? I ask dh what he thinks we should do, and he says "I don't know". GEE that helps.

Today sucked. I went to the mall to look for something for Ruby's baby boy's first angel day. The place was packed. I felt like panicing the whole time I was there, and around every corner was a family with 2 little boys, of course around the ages Caleb and Evan are. Why the hell did THEY get to keep their kids?? Why was *I* chosen to live without my son on earth??? It's NOT fair damn it and I hate those people for it all. I know that's not fair, but it's how I feel. I HATE this life sometimes. I just want BOTH of my boys.

I added some new pics to Evan's website. I don't really know how to post a link, but I will try. http://www.babiesonline.com/babies/e/evanjoseph hope that works.

Saturday, May 28, 2005

Thank God

Evan just fell down the stairs. I knew it would happen eventually. We have tried and tried to find a baby gate that would keep him off the stairs, but nothing works with the railings we have. What the hell made the builders of these apartments put CEREMIC tile at the bottom?? Anyway he was about 6 stairs up, teasing me like he does. I kept telling him to come down, and he would go a little further up, looking right at me with that huge grin on his face the whole time. So I started ignoring him, because usually that makes him come down. Something came on tv that caught his attention and he leaned down to look and just started tumbling head first down the stairs. He literally FLIPPED all the way down and landed on his butt!! HE looked absolutely terrified, and the look on my face probably scared him enough on it's own, so he just started SCREAMING. He's totally fine now, sitting in his highchair eating. But I am still shaking and my heart is still racing. What if...............?????????? God kids are resilient!

Friday, May 27, 2005

A good day and a not so good day....

Dh has been on his 4 days off so we've been having family time the past couple of days. Wednesday sucked. It poured rain and it was only about 60 degrees outside, but we went in search of a file cabinet anyway. I wanted one that looked nice since it will be in our living room, but that isnt the easiest thing in the world to find. We ended up taking 2 cars since mine is too little and dh won't stop smoking in his so we can put a carseat in it. It was just so annoying, and dh and I seemed to be at each other's throats. It just seemed like one of those days where nothing goes right. I felt like I was on the verge of tears all day and was really missing my boy. God why can't he just be HERE with us???

Yesterday was nice, it got up to 80 degrees and the sun was out so we went driving around and managed to find a very nice park. There is a section with equipment designed for 2 year olds and Evan seemed to really like it (eventhough he's only 14 months) There weren't any kids there that reminded me too much of Caleb (and usually there is at least one blonde haired blue eyed boy about 2 years old) so it wasn't too hard to deal with. After he played on the equipment for awhile, we put him in the stroller and went walking on their trail. It hardly qualified for a nature trail, but it was a nice walk, and it gave us a chance to get off our butts!

Not looking forward to this weekend. Dh works all weekend so it will just be Evan and me. I considered going home, but that 5 hour trip is just no fun with just me and Evan. (although he does alot better with the forward facing carseat!!) The trip always ends up being 7 hours and I hate to stop anywhere after dark alone so it makes the trip alot more stressful. Mom is supposed to be coming up soon anyway, but it would be nice to go home so I could go see Caleb. I have bought him a few new things since the last time we went and I want to bring them to him.

I am sure I will have something a little more interesting to say later in the weekend. Loneliness is great for blogging! Can anyone help me with adding links to my blog?? I have tried and tried to figure it out and I just have no clue!! HELP!!!

Tuesday, May 24, 2005

The party is OVER!

So our neighbor seemed to be a generally good guy. He always said "Hi" when we passed, etc. But he had this horribly annoying habit of opening both doors to his apartment and sitting outside with his music playing. Fine, if that's what you enjoy, that's cool. But when it continues until around midnight, and all we hear in OUR apartment is the steady booming of bass, it gets OLD. Well he just moved out! I had no idea he was leaving. Apparently he told Billy a couple of days ago, but I had no clue. Of course now who KNOWS what kind of neighbors we are going to get. God I want my house back!

I realized today that I only have 2 cycles until we ttc. How scary is THAT? I have no REASON to be worried. We have always been VERY fertile. But I am worried (God I feel HORRIBLE for even typing that, I know SO MANY people that have been through infertility and are still going through it) I don't know if it's the fact that I breastfed Evan for a year, and am now on the pill, or what. Maybe it's because I just don't expect anything pregnancy related to be easy? Who knows. I am debating on refilling my RX of pills, or just stopping them and seeing what my next 2 cycles do. I always had an INSANELY regular cycle. I am talking 28 days with O on day 14 (O pains right on cue!) and 14 day LP. Even after Caleb was born it went right back to normal. Dh got back from Iraq on day 14, that's how Evan got here. But after Caleb I didn't worry about birth control. It wasn't even an issue at my 6 week pp appointment. My Dr. knew dh was in Iraq, and we wanted to try again when he got home so I had nothing altering my cycles. What if they ARE altered now??

My dh's cousin had her baby today. Can't remember the name, maybe Stella? She has like 4 names, and I think Georgina was one of them too. Just thankful she is ALIVE. (I don't say "healthy" anymore, Caleb was perfect and healthy in every way) That makes 3 babies in one week, and another stillborn mom due for her c-section on Thursday. LOTS of prayers for her.

Monday, May 23, 2005

Welcome to My Life

Ever heard this song? I have about a million times, but never really paid attention to what they were saying. I heard it again today while I was on my way to the park and it REALLY hit me. WOW. Here are the lyrics.

Welcome to My Life by Simple Plan
Do you ever feel like breaking down?
Do you ever feel out of place?
Like somehow you just don't belong
And no one understands you
Do you ever want to run away?
Do you lock yourself in your room?
With the radio on turned up so loud
That no one hears you screaming
No you don't know what it's like
When nothing feels alright
You don't know what it's like
To be like me
To be hurt, to feel lost
To be left out in the dark
To be kicked when you're down
To feel like you've been pushed around
To be on the edge of breaking down
And no one's there to save you
No you don't know what it's like
Welcome to my life
Do you wanna be somebody else?
Are you sick of feeling so left out?
Are you desperate to find something more
Before your life is over?
Are you stuck inside a world you hate?
Are you sick of everyone around?
With their big fake smiles and stupid lies
While deep inside you're bleeding
No you don't know what it's like
When nothing feels alright
You don't know what it's like
To be like me
To be hurt, to feel lost
To be left out in the dark
To be kicked when you're down
To feel like you've been pushed around
To be on the edge of breaking down
And no one's there to save you
No you don't know what it's like
Welcome to my life
No one ever lied straight to your face
And no one ever stabbed you in the back
You might think I'm happy
But I'm not gonna be ok
Everybody always gave you what you wanted
You never had to work
It was always there
You don't know what it's like
What it's like
To be hurt, to feel lost
To be left out in the dark
To be kicked when you're down
To feel like you've been pushed around
To be on the edge of breaking down
And no one's there to save you
No you don't know what it's like (what it's like)
To be hurt
To feel lost
To be left out in the dark
To be kicked
When you're down
To feel like you've been pushed around
To be on the edge of breaking down
And no one's there to save you
No you don't know what it's like
Welcome to my life
Welcome to my life
Welcome to my life

Which brings me to how the day went. I'm a chickenshit. I found the park pretty easily. Finding the playground was a little harder, but I did manage to find it too. I basically had no description of these women to help me find them, and there was of course more then one group of moms. Figures right??? So basically I let Evan play, and with him being so little, I stayed with him and helped him. The one group of women left but there was still a groupd by the picnic area, and I wasn't sure, but I thought that was them, but I just could NOT go over there. So by the time one of the moms came to help her daughter on the slide and she called her by a name I recognized, I had lost ALL nerve to say "Hi are you J?" So I never said a thing to any of them. Another mom came up though and she also had a 14 month old son so we ended up talking and actually we had a TON in common, but I didn't get HER number. Oh well, the playgroup meets again almost every day. If it isn't too cool I plan on meeting them at the beach on Wednesday. We shall see.

Keeping a friend in my prayers tonite, she will be induced tomorrow night with her first baby. Hoping that baby makes an appearance before it's daddy leaves for deployment. SAFE AND SOUND AND LIVING!!!!!!!!!! (Caleb made it before daddy left for deployment too......)

On the verge of panic.....

So I think I am going to meet some of the girls from the play group. I said at first that I wasn't going. The meeting at the park cuts into Evan's nap time. Well wouldn't ya know it, Evan only slept 30 minutes today! So now we have all the time in the world to go. I am scared shitless. Not even really sure WHY, but I am. I keep trying to look at it one step at a time. I am taking Evan to the park, but at the same time my mind races ahead, what will I say, how will I recognize these people?? I am literally sick I am so scared. This CAN'T be normal! Evan's done with lunch, guess I should stop stalling. Let's see if I can even FIND this place. Oh God what was I thinking???

Sunday, May 22, 2005

Ok so I can Admit When I am Wrong......

And I was wrong about the playgroup. I finally got the "welcome to the group" email today along with a nice surprise. One of the moms lost her first daughter. I know it sounds HORRIBLE of me to say it's a nice surprise, but let's face it, if you have lost a child before, finding another mom that has been there is a GOD SEND. She emailed me privately and Evan is the same age as one of her kids. Problem is she also has a boy....about Caleb's age. I might be ok with it, but then again I might not. But I am going to AT LEAST email her back. The mommy group had a group chat tonite, so I went in the chatroom to see what they were like. I felt OLD. Most of these girls are in their very early 20's, but they are also mostly military wives. I just don't know where the hell I fit in. (Jill, you didn't step out of line AT ALL, I totally appreciate it, and I am going to check that link out in a little while!)

I had a sort of break down today I guess. Billy was out LATE last night. I went to bed at 1 am and he was still not home so of course I was mad so it took quite some time to fall asleep. I have no idea how late he got here, but I do know I never heard a sound and he even came to bed. When he finally woke up I had to hear "why are you mad at me?" I just couldn't deal with it. I told him that I honestly didn't care if he went out "for a little while" like he said, but I was not ok with him staying out all night while I stay here and take care of Evan. DON'T get me wrong, I LOVE taking care of Evan, I wouldn't have it ANY other way, but it's ALL I do. I don't get any socialization. Not even at work since I am a SAHM. All I do is take care of Evan, do laundry, dishes, etc. It gets old. So we talked about how he comes home and just sits on the couch and how he just doesn't seem to be involved anymore. He claims he is going to try to make things better. We'll see.........

I guess I need to go clean...........

Saturday, May 21, 2005

Want so badly to come up with something "catchy"

But let's face it, I am NOT a writer. So I have been researching online on becoming a medical transcriptionist (although as many times as I have had to hit the backspace key already I am not so sure that is a good idea). I heard about a couple of online programs that are supposedly good, but I pretty much thought they were all scams? Anyway I started to fill out the test for the one site, just mainly out of curiosity, and I really feel like a moron now. I am a high school grad, and that's it. Never had any desire to go further, never had a career in mind that felt right, so I never persued anything. So now I am 27 and feel like I have forgotten EVERYTHING I may have accidentally learned in high school. Can I actually make it through a course like this? Can I actually get IN a course like this. I am just mainly worried about the online programs being a waste of money. Dh works 4 days on and 4 days off, and they are never the same 4 days so I can't go to an actual school. His schedule doesn't allow it. The extra money would be good though, and in theory, once I get certified I would be able to work from home.

Anyway, dh went out tonite after work. I am not totally sure if I am ok with that or not. A bunch of the people he works with went to a bar, and one of them offered to see if her babysitter could take Evan too. I can't believe dh even considered it. There is no way I am trusting some person I have never met to take care of my child. Not only that, but the babysitter would have Evan AND a 2 month old. If Evan was at home, it wouldn't really be a big deal, he's asleep for the night after all, but NOT with someone I don't know. So anyway, right after Evan was in bed, dh starting acting like he REALLY wanted to go, so I just told him that if he really wanted to go, it was ok, I understood. But damn it, he wasn't supposed to actually GO.

I still haven't heard back from that mommy and me group. Jill, they have it set up through a yahoo group website and you have to be allowed in by the moderator, who has not even bothered to email me. They set up playdates etc. through email and exchange phone numbers and addresses and kids info. They keep the site for memebers only so they don't get lurkers showing up to the kids functions. Fucking snobs!!! Oh well, I wouldn't have kept quiet about Caleb EVER anyway, so I guess its good I found out how they are right from the start instead of having them just stop calling and including me like all my old friends did.

Friday, May 20, 2005

Pretty sure I have been shunned.......

Well it's starting to look like I have been shunned from the mommy and me playgroup in the area. I emailed the leader of the group 2 days ago and after the initial form I emailed back, I have heard nothing. I guess it must have been the mention of Caleb. I wasn't going to mention him at first, but then I thought about it and I know how uncomfortable he makes people (don't you know stillbirth is apparently contagious and it continues to be for YEARS after the baby is buried) and I thought I would "warn" them in advance. Looks like that was the wrong thing to do. I could be wrong here, and I could be jumping to conclusions, but let's face it, losing Caleb is more or less the reason I have NONE of my friends I had before. Not that I blame ANYHING on my sweet baby boy, it's not HIS fault at all, but I do blame the fact that none of my friends could handle hearing about him, and I refuse not to talk about him. He is my SON damn it. Why is that supposed to change because he's gone?? Do your parents stop being your parents when THEY die? Or do you just run out and get more and then you are all better??? That is what people expect you to do when your child dies. It's funny, people tell you to move on, that it's not good for you to keep talking about "it" (and yes they usually say "it") but the thing is we NEED to talk about our babies, we NEED to hear their names and know that others remember too, but people tell us what is good for US and in reality it's THEM that have the problem.

God I hate people............

Thursday, May 19, 2005

What was I thinking???

So last night I came to the realization that I need friends. I need SOME kind of outside contact from someone. And to be honest, so does Evan. He loves kids of all ages, and it's not fair for me to keep him here with me all the time. He's not complaining, but I just don't think this is fair to him just because I have issues. So last night I checked online for playgroups in the area and managed to find a couple. I emailed one of them to see about joining. I am a nervouse wreck about it. Each time I try to have something to do with "normal" parents, I realize I will NEVER be one of them. I will always be a little more watchful, a little more paranoid of something happenind (it has once, why can't it happen again?) And most of all, I might mention my dead baby. I just hate that the mention of my CHILD makes so many people uncomfortable. He's my son, and just because he's gone doesn't change that. Its not like I obsess over him, but the thing is that once you have your subsequent child, no matter how much time has gone by (or how little) you are done with your allowed grieving time. You are now expected to be over it. You are supposed to move on and apparently never mention your child again. I am just not willing to pretend Caleb never existed or that I don't still miss him and think of him every day. So I am waiting for the response email for this playgroup, but I don't really know if I will get one. I told them I have a dead baby, and most people dont like that..........

Monday, May 16, 2005

Thoroughly Disgusted

OK so we went to Toys r Us to look for a swim vest for Evan. They didn't have anything that would fit him (they all slipped easily over his head) so we decided to go to the card outlet next door to look for a card for a friend from mom's church. Her son was stillborn 3 days before his scheduled c-section. They had scheduled the c-section because her son was breech, but he turned and she went into labor, and when she got to the hospital, he was gone. Soooo much like how Caleb died. So anyway, her son's birthday is June 6th. His first birthday. So I wanted to get her a card to let her know that he is not forgotten. This is the dilemma, what KIND of card do you send? It's not exactly a HAPPY birthday for anyone involved. I have done this before with other angel mom's so I headed for the Thinking of you cards. Well of course all the congratulations and baby shower cards are RIGHT THERE. But that is not what has me so freakin annoyed. The thing that pisses me off, is the lack of cards that have ANYTHING to do with the death of a child or loss of a baby, BUT there are PLENTY of cards for loss of a PET. Don't get me wrong, I have had dogs, and have lost dogs, and yes they were like my kids, BUT it's still not as devastating as losing Caleb. No where NEAR as devastating. But why can't that be RECOGNIZED??? Because people would rather live in their happy little imaginary world where everything is perfect. UGH UGH UGH!!!

Totally freakin' impressed

Just got a box of stuff from my mother in law. I am truely amazed. Really. See mil is the type that usually gives Evan a check. His baby shower, she gave me a $200 check, his first b-day she gave him a $100 check. Not once has she put ANY thought into a gift for him (oh and by the way his first b-day card was not even SIGNED) So you can imagine how shocked I am that she sent a box of 5 Carter's outfits she bought for Evan. And the stuff is actually CUTE, and in his size! (Don't think she asked anyone about the size, but Billy DID know she was going shopping so she may have asked him) I am just really happy that she did this. It REALLY means alot to me. This kind of thing is what I wanted from her. The thought of her picking something up and saying "Evan would look cute in that" or whatever. Her making an EFFORT instead of just whipping out the checkbook.

There was another box for me, not sure why, maybe Mother's day or something, but it had a Boyd's bear sailor bear, and a stuffed Boyd's sailor bear, and a Boyd's t-shirt (which I will never wear, I guess she keeps her eyes closed when she is around me or something and has no clue the type of thing that I wear.) But I am giving her the benefit of the doubt........SHE TRIED.

Sunday, May 15, 2005

Wanted to share this

I just saw this on a website with quotes and stuff to put in a memorial scrapbook.

I'll lend you for a little time, a child of mine, He said.
For you to love while he lives, and mourn when he is dead.
It may be six or seven years, twenty-two or three.
But will you, till I call him back, take care of him for me?
He'll bring his charms to gladden you, and shall his stay be brief,
You'll have his lovely memories as solace for your grief.
I cannot promise he will stay, since all from earth return.
But there are lessons taught down there I want this child to learn.
I've looked the wide world over in my search for teachers true,
And from the throngs that crowd life's lane, I have selected you.
Now will you give him all of your love, nor think the labor vain,
Nor hate me when I come to call, to take him back again?
I fancied that I heard them say, Dear Lord, thy will be done.
For all the joy thy child shall bring, the risk of grief we'll run.
We'll shelter him with tenderness, we'll love him while we may,
And for the happiness we've known, we'll ever grateful stay.
But shall the angels call for him much sooner than we planned,
We'll brave the bitter grief that comes and try to understand.
-- Author: unknown

What a scary thought!!

"Don't ever sell the house because if anything ever happens to me I want to know where to find you. "

Yeah that is really what I wanted to hear. I was just watching Extreme Makeover Home Edition, and that is what the sister in law told Ty her sister said to her dh before she passed away. God the thought of Caleb not knowing where to find us rips my heart in two. I know in my heart that Caleb is ALWAYS with me. But at the same time, what if?? I can't bear the thought. God, what a horrible horrible thought.

Saturday, May 14, 2005

Pennies from Heaven

"A Penny From Heaven"

I found a penny todayJust laying on the groundBut it's not just a pennyThis little coin I've found.Found pennies come from HeavenThat's what my Grandpa told me,He said, "Angels toss them down."Oh, how I loved that story.He said, "When an angel misses youThey toss a penny down,Sometimes just to cheer you upTo make a smile out of your frown."So don't pass by that pennyWhen you're feeling blue,It may be a penny from HeavenThat an Angel tossed to you.
- Author Unknown -

So today I went to get in my car to get something to eat, and there was a penny. I couldn't help but smile. Maybe I am crazy for taking things like that as a sign, but I do. Sometimes it am bothered because it seems like Caleb doesn't come ENOUGH. But then what IS enough? I think he has sent me a sign, but then I immediately rationalize it and say to myself that I am reading too much into it, etc. But today I just took it as it was, a penny from heaven. My boy knows when I need him most.

I found some scrapbook stuff on ebay today for him. I can't remember right this second what it said now, something like God's chosen one or somthing like that. I went ahead and got it. I am not totally sure if it's what I am looking for, but we will see when it gets here. Dh is working tonite, so I really SHOULD drag out the albums and try to work on them. I am so far behind on Evan's that I don't know how to begin. I have a year's worth of pics and not one of them is in the album. To be totally honest, I am not sure where all the pics are. Things are still not right after the move. Maybe one day we will be organized, but I doubt it.

Oh Yay! A night out

Ok so I am absolutely exhausted today. Not sure why, I guess it's just one of those days where it's hard to get motivated to do anything. And why is it that a kid can go to bed at 11 and be up by 7:30 when his usual bedtime is 8:30? We went to dh's cousin's apartment last night to eat, and of course we get there and find out a few other people are coming. It turned out to be 10 other people by the way. And only one of them was a girl. None of them were married, and sure didn't have kids. In fact, there were at least 2 that were "almost" 21. (And YES, these are the people responsible for defending our country!! They were ALL Sailors!) So while dh and all the others had a great time (I think every person that came over brought a case of beer) I spent the night trying to keep Evan's finger's out of light sockets (while at least one person said to let him do it and he would learn his lesson) and keep people from letting him try beer. Why is it that people have no respect for what a parent wants for their child? So anyway after saying over and over that we needed to get Evan to bed, we finally left at 10:30. Poor Evan was EXHAUSTED.

I really need friends with kids. Or at least the desire to HAVE kids. Hanging out with all those single people is just no fun for me. Too much work!

Total change of subject, I really need to figure out how to add links to the side of my blog. I have tried to figure it out, but it just makes no sence to me. I am reading some really interesting blogs, and wanted to add them here. Guess I will play with it tonite while dh is working.

Friday, May 13, 2005


So I went to Michael's today to look for scrapbooking stuff for both of the boy's books. I got this really nice book for Evan, but haven't done a thing with it, and since I have 14 months of stuff to put in it I thought I should get started before I get way too far behind. While I was looking for Evan's stuff I thought I would try to find stuff for Caleb's album. It seriously pisses me off that it is IMPOSSIBLE to find an album for a baby that has died. Everything is "baby's first year" and "baby's first steps" BLAH BLAH BLAH!! Well guess what???? MY baby didn't even CRY. He never opened his eyes! Hell, he doesn't have a birth certificate for that matter. But I DID manage to find a few stickers for his book that mention angels or have bears sleeping on the moon. Guess it's a good thing that so many people refer to their living babies as angels or I wouldn't have found that much. It just sucks. It's yet ANOTHER way our babies don't get the recognition they deserve. It's bad enough that all I have to put in an album are a 1 roll of film and a decorative birth certificate, but then I can't even find a special album for him. I have a plain brown photo album. It was a gift from the church, and I DO appreciate it. But I want something more.

Thursday, May 12, 2005

Really gotta get a life!

Ok so I have never exactly been the social butterfly. I had a very small group of friends in school, and let's face it, we were NOT the cool ones. We were the "freaks" with the blue hair and the leather jackets. So I am USED to not fitting in. So why is it that this life of greiving for my son is so different? Why is THIS isolation different then what we had at school? Maybe because this wasn't a CHOSEN isolation. We intentionally distanced ourselves in school. We all hated it there and were just doing our time. But now I am "doing my time" as a "bereaved parent". That's my title now. Nice isn't it? I guess its better then being called a freak, (among many other names) but I still FEEL like a freak. People still look at me with that look. They pity me. I am that poor woman who's baby died. I am that woman that is stuck in the past and that won't "move on".

At least since we have moved and no one knows me that looks have stopped. That's a plus. But here I have NO one. I have never been good at making friends, always REALLY shy. And now to top the shyness off, I am pretty sure I have social anxiety (remember the commercials for zoloft with the cowering little circle, then he takes the zoloft and he's all social and happy and bouncing along??) and to top that off, I am pretty sure I still have a certain amount of depression. It takes all the courage I have to go ANYWHERE alone. So how do I go up to people and become their friend??

I am not totally sure how my life ended up here. I wouldnt change having either of my kids for anything in this world. The one thing I would change is that Caleb would be HERE with us. But I can't change that, and this is the life I have been chosen for. Gee, Thanks.

Wednesday, May 11, 2005

Ramblings about our house

I tried to post a couple of times yesterday but the site wasn't working. How annoying. I have a few minutes of free time so thought I would post SOMETHING. Evan is sitting in a pile of board books and watching Miss Spider and clapping from time to time so maybe I have a few minutes.

My best friend Cristie called me last night. Her mom works with the mom of the girl that bought our house in SC. Apparently the mom of the woman that bought the house (Leah) asked C's mom if she had spoken to me lately. Well C's mom said no, and so Leah said to her "That house sure is costing me alot of money" Well what do you expect when you start tearing things out of a 50 year old house???? You are going to find things. That is just how it works. When you screw people, it comes back to you eventually, and with her it seems like it's sooner rather then later.

Yeah, I have to admit that I get some pleasure out of this. I know it's wrong, but I really feel like this is something this girl deserves. We went to highschool together (the girl that bought the house) and she sat beside me in one of my classes, and honestly I don't think she ever spoke one word to me. I don't care about that though. What I DO care about is how she managed to get a home inspector to work for HER. How she managed to make it so we had to replace the subflooring in the bathroom when we had more then one person tell US that it didnt NEED to be replaced. Then we find out that the reason that the subfloor "needed" to be replaced was because she was putting ceremic tile in there and the heavier tile needed a stronger foundation. She cost us THOUSANDS of dollars. And this was after we took $2k less then asking for the house because we wanted out quick. By the time we were done with her (and our so called realtor for that matter) I was so sick and tired of the whole thing I just wanted it OVER with. The whole situation made me feel horrible about our first home. The only house where Caleb ever lived, and ever will live. The house that dh and I poured so much work into, and yeah I kind of hate her for that. That house was far from perfect, but again, what do you expect from a 50 year old house? So, I have heard that after all of this, she isn't even living there. She had plans to replace the front windows, but when we were in SC we drove by there, and the old windows had been PAINTED. Couldn't help but laugh!

Monday, May 09, 2005

A poem written by a Mother on Mother's Day

Someone emailed this to me and I thought it was worth sharing eventhough it's a day late.

Remembering You On Mother's Day
No little hugs or kisses to wake me up on this morn.
No special card or roses sent my way.
Bittersweet feelings, at least a thousand tears;
Quietly, I celebrated you this day.
I am not like the others,
Though I still wear the name.
I cannot hold you in my arms,
But I love you just the same.
I knelt beside your resting place,
Though I knew you were not there.
I prayed to God in Heaven:
A peace I found in knowing,
sweet child, you're in His care.
To see a mother with her baby-
How my heart breaks in two;
But never would I trade this pain
If it meant there had no been you.
At times I feel I cannot go on-
Living this life without you.
Yet hidden behind my deepest grief
There is joy unexpainably true.
For my daughter,
you will always be a blessing from above.
Your brief existence has bestowed on me a name I cherish dear.
And although this day is not what I imagined it to be,
I will treasure it because of you-

MY FIRST MOTHER'S DAY. Written by Jana Spigener In loving remebrance of Mercedes Ruth Spigener Stillborn at 39 weeks September 21, 1995

14 months

My beautiful Evan is 14 months old today. Where did those 14 months go? Where did that tiny little baby go? It is amazing how much he has grown, how much he has changed. I look at him in awe. He is actually MINE. It is so hard to believe sometimes. I still expect someone or something to take him from me. I still wait for it all to come crashing down. It did once, so what stops it from happening again?

Caleb would have been 14 months old when Evan was born. It is so hard to imagine how I would have handled a newborn AND a toddler. I just can't picture it in my head. But I also know that I would have been a different mother completely if Caleb had lived. I probably wouldn't have nursed either baby, and I probably would have gone back to work. I don't think I ever totally realized how precious life truely is. I just wish my wake up call didnt have to be so extreme.

I do, however truely believe that even if Caleb had lived we STILL would have had Evan. I have heard so many angel moms tell me that if they had not lost their baby they would not have their subsequent babies. I don't think that is the case. I think that Evan was MEANT to be. And I think that he would have been added to our family at the same time too. Billy DID just get back from war after all.

Well we are off to find Evan's new doctor. Off to the Naval hospital to see how things work basically. This should be fun.

Sunday, May 08, 2005

Alot to think about...

So Billy looked at me tonite and told me he wants another baby. That he's "ready". It's funny because I have been thinking of ttc again ALOT lately. But am I ready to take that all on again? Part of my hesitation is that I really don't know what the Doctor situation will be like up here. We never lived near a Naval Hospital before now so we could go to whatever Doctors that we wanted. I had an AMAZING doctor with Caleb, and I stayed in SC longer so I could have her for my pregnancy with Evan. It was important to me to have a doctor that "understood" why I was terrified of my baby dying. I needed a doctor that understood why I was so paranoid. But now that we have moved I face the situation of not knowing what kind of doctor I will have. The first ob I had with my miscarriage (I had a m/c at 10 weeks in December of 2000) had the compassion of a cactus. She was horrible, and I can't take that. I don't know if I will be considered high risk by another doctor since Caleb's death was an accident. I NEED non stress tests and extra visits and ultrasounds to keep my sanity (or what's left if it) and I just don't know if I will get that here.

So now he has me thinking. Is this really something we are ready to take on? We have always gotten pg INSANELY easy, and I can't rely on that happening again, BUT we can't not prevent if we aren't really ready. Well I just started a new pack of pills, so I guess I at least have a month to think about it. Or maybe obsess is a better word?????

Oh Yay, it's Mother's Day

See that's the problem with computers. It's very hard to bring across that hint of sarcasm. So yeah, it's Mother's day, and yes my hubby, after working overnight and getting home at 5am, after getting a ticket trying to get me blueberry muffins from Dunkin Donuts, woke me up to tell me he was taking Evan out to breakfast so I could sleep. So why am I not happy? I guess holidays will just never be "happy". Oh trust me, when dh put Evan on the bed this morning and he crawled up to me with that huge grin that lights up his entire face, I was happy, but it is never TOTAL happiness. It's never COMPLETE. It's never RIGHT. Does any of that make sence?

I am so blessed this Mother's day. I am blessed with a wonderful husband that would do absolutely anything for me in this world. I am blessed to have Evan here on earth with me. To hear his giggles, his screams of excitement. I am blessed with each smile that lights up those beautiful sparkling eyes. And most of all I am blessed to be the mother to BOTH of my boys. No, I didn't ALWAYS look at Caleb as a blessing. Not when I was in the throws of those first days and months of grief. I always knew that he was a blessing, even if he wasn't allowed to stay with us on earth, but I couldn't FOCUS on that. I was too busy being pissed off that he was taken from us when there are so many other people out there that are allowed to have baby after healthy (living) baby just to abuse or abandon them. And you know what, I am STILL pissed off by that. But I also know that I am so proud of Caleb. Why wouldn't you be proud of your child? He was perfect, just not breathing.

You know I gotta give my hubby credit. He does his best. He really tried to make Mother's Day special. And it IS special. Each day I get to spend with my family is incredibly special. I know that it could be taken from me in the blink of an eye. With all of that being said........gonna go squeeze my boy. Hope you all have a peaceful Mother's Day.

Saturday, May 07, 2005

I know I know, I just posted

Ok so I know I just posted a few hours ago, but what else should I do? My husband is at work (he works nights 2 days out of 4) and Evan is in bed, and it's quiet. Maybe too quiet. I hate nights. I have hated nights since Caleb died. You have way too much time to think, and sometimes your mind goes bad places. Tomorrow's Mother's Day too. That doesn't help at all. Billy (my husband) got me flowers, and he remembered to put both boy's names on them, but holidays mean nothing to me anymore. I can't explain it really, but if you have also lost a child, you might somewhat understand.

Did I mention we just moved here about a month ago?? Guess I didn't. We used to live in South Carolina. I lived about 5 minutes (maybe less) from my mom. Now we live in Virginia. DH is in the Navy and stationed up here. He's been here for 3 years and used to commute back and forth to SC on his days off, but we finally bit the bullet and moved so we could finally live as a family. It sucks. I guess it wouldn't be so bad if he never went to work. I hate being this alone. And I hate that I can't really admit that I am feeling this way. I can't say how I am honestly feeling because if I do, someone might worry. I am not supposed to feel this way. At least that is how everyone else acts. The thing is, when we lived in SC, I could jump in the car and go to Caleb's grave any time I felt the need. Now he's 5 hours away. Now I know he is not actually there. I know that it's just a place, but wow I wish I could go there. It's so hard with him being so far away even though I know that my mom is taking good care of his grave. It's just not the same.

Someone emailed this to me, so I thought I would post it here:

Reflections of a Mother's Day Denied
by Michelle Parrish, Columbia TCF Chapter, Baltimore, MD:

On this, my first Mother's Day, I asked myself, Do I have the right to
celebrate Mother's Day? Have I truly been a mother this past year? The answer
is yes.

Each day I have cared for my child as every mother does, except differently.
In every way possible I have mothered him.

I have mothered him with every tear shed; through the agony of longing to
hold him. I have rocked him in my heart if not in my arms. I have kissed his
little cheeks in my mind if not with my lips. Smelled his sweetness with my
hopes if not my nose. Felt his skin with my memory, if not my hands. Tickled
him with my wishes, if not with my fingers.

Am I a mother? I truly am. My physical mothering has been limited to lovingly
tending his grave. But I am a mother all the same.

Thinking of all us moms this weekend, and always,

Cathy Seehuetter - Lisa, Amy, Dan and angel Nina's mom forever

Oh how blessed I am to have my sweet, precious Evan here to hold tomorrow.

Wishing you all a gentle Mother's Day.

Jumping on the bandwagon, I guess.....

So here I am jumping on the blogging bandwagon. Who would have thought. I am not even totally sure anyone will ever even read this, but what the heck, right?? So I guess I should tell you (assuming of course that anyone is reading this) a little about myself and my life. I am 27 years old, have been married to my husband for 5 and a half years now, and have 2 children, but one is in heaven. Our first son, Caleb was stillborn at term due to a cord accident while I was in the early stages of labor in January of 2003. Since the devastating loss of Caleb, we have had a wonderful, healthy, vibrant little boy named Evan. Evan will be 14 months old on Monday, and he is my salvation. He is what makes it worth getting up every day. He makes my heart smile when I thought that it would never be possible for that to ever happen again.

This blog is just going to be my place to vent. Being an Angel's mom sucks. My son never took a breath, but I can assure you he is very much real, and very much still a part of my life. Thing is, in the "real" world, that is just not accepted. I had another son, therefore Caleb has been replaced. So I should be "over it". Well it just does NOT work that way. If your mother died, would you just go get a new one and then be all better? My Doctor put it this way shortly after Caleb died, "He wasn't a couch, you can't just go buy another. He is your CHILD." Why is it that other people don't get that?

This blog will probably also have alot to do with my living son also. I am truely blessed to have Evan and I cherish him more then anything else in this world. I look at him sometimes and I am just so overwhelmed. It seems like he's just a dream, like he can't possibly be mine. I am overwhelmed by the love I feel for him. And at the same time I am brokenhearted that his big brother is not here with him. Each new thing that Evan learns to do is one more thing that we never got to see Caleb do, and that is hard to swallow at times. We try as hard as we can not to let Evan see our heart ache. It's not fair to him and we won't ever let him think he is living in a shadow.

I guess maybe I have rambled enough for now. I am going to try to keep this updated and if nothing else have a place to vent my feelings to myself. Maybe I will be able to sort through the anger and bitterness I have had in my life for the last 28 months since our son was taken from us. Maybe I can make someone else see that they are not alone in their feelings since losing THEIR son. Maybe......