Monday, May 28, 2007


Evan has been diaper free for 3 days now!!! He has done an amazing job, with no accidents at all yesterday, and none so far today. He's still in pull-ups for naps, and overnight, but no more diapers! Where did my baby go???

Saturday, May 26, 2007

The homecoming for J's dh went well. I managed to hold it together. There were several times I THOUGHT I was going to lose it, but with taking care of the kids, it was pretty easy to distract myself. And of course, missing all of the "new mommies" helped too. (They call the new mommies to go to the ship first). THAT would have KILLED me. Anyway, I survived, and the day actually wasn't that bad. I just wish that Evan had had a chance to go onto the ship, but J's dh wanted to get out of there as fast as possible (do you blame him?) and since my dh wasn't there, I had no one to watch Lauren anyway so we will just go on a ship another day. Evan was just as excited about seeing all of the cranes on base anyway.

After reading this article, I made the mistake of reading some of the comments. I KNEW better. And I knew there was going to be plenty of horrible ones. So why does it still piss me off so much? It just makes me SICK that something so simple can be turned into some political bullshit. Its not a ploy to try to change abortion laws. Why does it have to be turned into that? I don't get why it's so much to ask for a damn piece of PAPER. All I want is recognition that my PERFECT, healthy, VIABLE, full term baby EXISTED. I dont want money, I don't want a tax break, or anything else. I just want him to be recognized as a person. Doesn't he deserve that? The whole issue is so simple. The whole thing just makes me sick.

Tuesday, May 22, 2007

2003 Homecoming

Just for you Kate!

When we first saw each other. He hadn't even had a chance to give me the flowers. And my friend C. claims I almost threw her off the side of the ship. Umm oh, and I ran over my neice and nephew to get to dh......

Yes, this is a tv camera. Apparently I showed enough emotion to catch the reporter's attention, so they came over to interview us. I never saw the interview, and I can't begin to tell you what either of us said.

I will try to post more pics later, blogger is not exactly cooperating...........

Monday, May 21, 2007


I've agreed to go to a homecoming. I have no idea WHY, but I did. My friend Jennifer' dh is coming back wednesday from an 8 month deployment. She is nervous as hell about it, so she asked me to come. I remember how scared I was when dh was on the way back from Iraq, and since I have been through it, I have no problem being there to support her. Well, except for the fact I have to actually BE there. I can't even watch homecoming's on tv without crying my eyes out.
This is the thing, I have been through ONE deployment. That was not exactly a normal situation. It was the START of the war, and our baby had died 5 days before dh was deployed. We had had no time to deal with that at all. The pain was all so new, but the excitement of dh finally coming HOME and knowing he was safe was there too. The problem is, there are also TONS of babies. And tons of daddys who have never seen their babies.
Every time I see a daddy in his uniform holding his baby, it reminds me of how dh's homecoming should have been. I'm going to deal with it though, partially for Jennifer, and partially so Evan will get the chance to see a ship come in (it really is an awesome site). Hopefully I can manage to keep myself from getting too hysterical.

Sunday, May 20, 2007

On the outside looking in

I feel like a stalker, or a peeping tom, or something equally creepy. I have spent entirely too much time on myspace today, looking for people I went to school with. Honestly, I really didn't like them when I was IN school, but I was curious to see who was on there. I was not exactly in the "in" crowd. Actually, I was about as far from it as you could get. I had green hair at one point, wore combat boots, and lots of black. We did alot of experimenting with drugs, and just didn't give a crap about anything. I had a small group of friends, but we were REALLY close. We graduated highschool, and we stayed friends. But then things changed.
Things always change, that's normal. People's lives move on, they have kids, get into serious relationships, move away. The thing is, I came across one of those friends on myspace today. So I checked out his friends list. It seemed like they were ALL on his list. All of my old friends, still in this little group, all linked together. Without me.
I am not totally sure why this really bugs me so much. I honestly dont even like these people anymore. Even the one that stood in the corner of the hospital room when Caleb was born. I don't WANT them to be my friends anymore. But I do. I know the reason I am left out. It's not because I am now married to a sailor (conformist!) and it's not that I have KIDS (more than one have kids of their own).
I am not in that circle because I have a DEAD kid. And I wouldn't "stop living in the past and focus on what I have now". (and I hold grudges) It's just one more reminder that I am NOT that person anymore (not that I really want to be completely that person) and that my life is so different from theirs. And yet another reason it's all so damn unfair.

Thursday, May 17, 2007

So Excited!

My friend Julie just got word after years of infertility and heartache, that she will be traveling to Almatay Friday night, and should meet their sweet baby girl Lucy on Monday!!!! I am soooo excited for her! It's been such a long journey!!

Wednesday, May 16, 2007

In loving memory of A.

I am thinking of you Rosepetal. I am just so sorry. I wish I could do more. Sending hugs, and all of my love for you, A. and V.

Tuesday, May 15, 2007


Mother's day wasn't too bad here. Dh had to work overnight, but he still got up early so we could go to church. We had been living here for 2 years and never bothered to visit the church here until a couple of weeks ago. I still have alot of doubts when it comes to God, but I do know that the church environment will be good for my kids, so I am willing to go, and hopefully sort things out with God myself. This was only our second visit to this church, so we really don't know many people. Of course with it being Mother's day, everyone that came up to me wished me a happy mother's day, which was fine. But at one point Evan was still back in his class, and I had someone ask me if this was my first mother's day. I just kind of laughed and said it was my 4th. (5th if I had known I was pg with Caleb sooner) Then of course I also had people ask if she was my first child.
I hate that question. I hate those few seconds where I have to decide if I want an akward moment, or THAT LOOK of pity, or if I want to not include Caleb and then have to feel guilty about it afterwards. I am TIRED of that moment. I am tired of people looking at my family, seeing my living boy, and baby girl, and saying we have the perfect family. I don't think we could get much farther from perfect. I adore my children, and they do TRUELY make me happy, but it's all so bittersweet. I can deal with the bittersweet, but there are just times when it is absolutely crushing.
It ended up where I haven't actually told anyone at this church yet that we have lost a child. The preacher and his wife always make home visits to the visitors that come to their church, and we are supposed to have them over next week (we didn't have to do this of course, but I thought it might not be such a bad idea) and I am sure it will all come out then, and I am nervous about that. I hate that my son feels like this secret that has to be hidden sometimes.
And I hate having to miss him so much.

Monday, May 14, 2007

And she LAUGHS now!! Time passes far too quickly.....

I had a real post rolling around in my head, but I just can't seem to get it out when I try, so we will just leave it for another day. In the meantime, here's the promised pic of Lauren in her dress Kate sent. (And probably some other pics.....)

Saturday, May 12, 2007

My in laws just left. Would it be totally wrong of me to be glad it's over? Well, I am. They did get Lauren an exersaucer though.

We spent 4 hours in Urgent care yesterday. WHY do the kids have pediatricians if we will just have to go to UC if one of them is sick?? God I hate the military healthcare system sometimes!! Anyway, Lauren was running a fever, and her eye was totally crusted shut, so I called her ped. They told me she needed to be seen, but they don't make same day appointments, so I had to take her to UC. It's bullshit. I am furious about the whole thing. The good news is, she just has Evan's cold, and the eye thing is most likely a virus. They gave me gel to put in her eye (THAT'S fun) and it seems to have cleared it up already.

I was asked what was in the box I got from Kate. It wasn't a secret, I was just hoping I could find time to take pics. It didn't happen, so I will just tell you what it was. She sent me a set of make-up bags (the small one works PERFECT for my camera case!!!) with dragonflies on them. For Evan, there was a book and the cutest little wooden puzzle (he asks me to make bears with him constantly!) and for Lauren, there was a pair of pink robeez with cherries on them, and a gorgeous Calvin Klein dress!! She's wearing the dress to church tomorrow, so I will be sure to post pics!

Hope you all have a peaceful Mother's day!! (((hugs))) to us all.

Friday, May 11, 2007

Thinking Catherine

And her sweet boy Alex today. Happy birthday little man. You are deeply missed.

Wednesday, May 09, 2007

I am not the most positive person in the world, and quite frankly, I have lost alot of faith in most people. But there are a few TRUELY good ones out there, and I am so lucky to be friends with a few. Kate is one of those people. It amazes me how she seems to be ALWAYS thinking of others. Even with twins on the way, a 2 and a half year old, and a teenager, she still manages to take time to do things for other people.

Thank you for the package Kate!! I absolutely LOVE it all. And more importantly, thank you for calling me friend. I wish we had met under different circumstances, but I am glad that we met.

Tuesday, May 08, 2007

More heartache

Please go send Rosepetal your support.

I am so very very sorry Rosepetal. There just are no words.

Thinking of Catherine

Sending you my love today Catherine, and remembering Travis.