Sunday, April 16, 2006

Still breathing

We survived yet another holiday. Actually it wasn't all bad. I guess I am getting used to not having Caleb here with us for each holiday that passes. I SHOULD be used to it. I mean it has been over 3 years without him. I am used to it, but in no way am I ok with it. I still hate it with everything in me. It's not right, and I hate it.

This was my first real holiday away from my family. It really had me down the past few days. I cooked a huge meal, and it turned out edible (my first attempt at turkey since I hate ham). Actually it was GOOD. The Easter Bunny came last night and hid eggs for Evan, and brought him a little wooden Thomas train, a Little Quack book, and a bubble mower. And of course candy. I barely got him down the stairs this morning before he saw his basket sitting in the middle of the living room and tried to dive out of my arms. He ran straight to it, as happy as he could be, before I could get the camera ready. He totally forgot being sick, and it was great. He ate 4 peices of chocolate and no breakfast. Gotta love holidays. It took him no time at all to figure out those eggs had candy in them. He absolutely loves the bubble mower, and pushed it around the house all day. We got to take him outside for a little while after his nap so he could push the mower and watch the bubbles come out. It was so great to see him so happy after being sick for the last week.

I woke up with cramps this morning, so chances are this was not our month either. I am so tired of this ttc crap. I was so hopeful for this month, but now, my hopes are pretty much shattered, yet again. AF isn't here yet, but I am sure she is coming. Stupid hag.

But we made it through the holiday, and that's a start. Not that we had a choice.

Wednesday, April 12, 2006

300 Millionth American

Has anyone else seen the commercial for the 300 Millionth American? (you can actually watch the commercial on the bottom corner of the page). I have seen this commercial countless times over the past few days, and it make me physically ill. I am disgusted because it's so damn optimistic. I mean, what if that baby is born and then dies hours later? Will they still consider that baby to be the 300 millionth? Or does the title now go to baby number 300,000,001? We all know what would happen if for some reason, that 300 millionth American was STILLBORN. Because we all know they don't matter anyway. They weren't an actual baby or anything. God it sucks being bitter and jealous........

How Far Does It Have to Go?? Oh Yeah, She's Rich

I hate her.............

So I'm a little paranoid. Imagine that.

I actually ended up hanging out with A. again on Monday. We met at the park again. It was great. We got there and were literally the ONLY people there. The kids had complete freedom to do what they wanted, and we didn't have to worry about big kids not watching out for them. We stayed for about and hour and a half (by the time we left, the park was getting crowded, but the parents watched their children, and actually made them apologize if they did something rude. Like throw Evan to the ground when he tried to climb near a certain kid, and the kid didn't want to play with him. The mother came running on that one, instead of ignoring the whole thing and talking on her cell.) We actually left the park and took the kids to McDonalds for lunch, and stayed there for over 2 hours. We talked alot. I found out that she has another son, and that he was born when she was 14. He lives with his father. I told her about Caleb. She didn't freak out, or change the subject. She actually wanted to know more. I told her all about his birth, and how we found out he was gone. She was really understanding, but she did say "we almost lost dd that way". I didnt' get mad, eventhough,usually that pisses me off (because almost is NOT the same, it doesn't mean you know how I feel, etc). It turns out, she really DID almost lose her dd. She had an emergency c-section, and when her dd was born, she was blue. It's funny because she handled it so much better than alot of people do when I tell them my son is dead. Even people I didnt know before have acted weird when I mention him (which is why I had such a hard time finding a playgroup I fit in with). But then again, most of those girls (all in their very early 20's) didn't have a clue what a real issue was.

Anyway, I am rambling, and Evan is sick, so I need to spend some time with him. He hasn't been sick in quite awhile, so why is it, when we have plans for a Easter egg hunt and get together on Saturday, he gets sick?? Figures.

Sunday, April 09, 2006

Stop the Ride, I Want to Get Off

I emailed the woman I met at the park last night. I wanted to let her know that if she wanted to do something this coming week I was free. I wrote out the email, and before hitting the send button, I froze. My email signature has Caleb's website in it. I sat nd tried to decide whether or not to include the signature or not. In the end I DID include it. I will tell her about Caleb anyway, I have no intentions on hiding him, but I didnt want to immediately scare her off either. I am really getting tired of this though. Even the simplest things are complicated. Sending a short little email should not have to include so much thought. I shouldn't have to worry about scaring someone away as soon as I meet them. The truth is, if my friends that I had had for YEARS ran like hell, why wouldn't someone that barely knows me at all? I am tired of the uncomfortable, dismissing looks when you tell someone your other son died. I am tired of feeling like a freak. I hope this girl is different. I hope she can deal with the fact that I have a dead son, and I hope it doesn't make her uncomfortable if I dare to mention his name. (Have I mentioned her name is Angel??) I have one other friend here that allows me to talk about Caleb freely, and doesn't even flinch, but she works the same schedule as dh, so I don't see her often. It would be nice to have someone else though.
Apparently IM didn't need me all that much. Her car has been in front of her apartment all weekend, and she hasn't bothered to call or come by. (Of course she probably went out all weekend and let someone else drive since she JUST got her license back after getting a DUI) Her custody case is supposedly tomorrow.

Friday, April 07, 2006

I Met Someone, and Irresponsible Mom Strikes Again

Last night dh called me on his way home from work. When he got to his car, he noticed that he had a voice mail, so he checked it. It was Irresponsible mom. She said that she needed to talk to me about her custody case, on MONDAY. This was Thursday night. You would think if you had a CUSTODY case, you would have your shit straight well in advance. I don't see that this case could have been a surprise for her. Anyway, she lives *4* doors down from us. If it was that important to her, she could have easily walked down here and knocked on the door. She didn't. And she hasn't called back. It's for the best. She doesn't want me telling a court what kind of mother she is. I don't want to have to tell about her bringing Austin here after he was with her all day at the house she was moving out of. He had been crawling around on the smoking porch all day, and literally, his legs and hands were BLACK. I wiped him off with baby wipes because I didn't want him touching any of Evan's stuff. She went upstairs to shower and get ready to go to a bar with some guy. I have tons of very similar stories. Nope, she doesn't want me in court.

Today we were supposed to have a playdate with a mom's group I just recently joined. It was supposed to be really a nice day, but this morning, it was windy, and only about 60 degrees, and looked like it was going to rain at any moment. They cancelled the playdate, but dh and I decided to take Evan to the park anyway. We could always get back in the van and leave if it started to rain. It turned out to be a pretty good day to go. There were very few people there, so Evan could do what he wanted. We had been there a little while when a little girl (almost 3) came up to him and grabbed his hand and led him off to play. He wasn't so sure he liked it at first, but then they warmed up to each other and started following each other around. It ended up where I was talking to the mom, while dh ran after the kids. The mom had her hands full with a new baby (I think he was 3 months). Anyway, we sat and talked for awhile, and I found out that she is also a military wife, and new to the area. She didn't know anyone at all. So we ended up exchanging emails and phone numbers, and I honestly hope that we can get together again. We were both such dorks, so excited to meet someone. Could I actually be starting to have a few friends??

Tuesday, April 04, 2006

Tantrums, Baby making, and Cousin's in Law

We had an insanely rough day here today with Evan. It seems he has hit the terrible 2's, with FULL force. He won't hesitate to throw himself on the floor, and scream like he is being beaten for the simplest of things. Like not giving him a *4th* slice of cheese. Tonight, it was something about dinner. Not sure exactly WHAT the issue was, honestly. We had spaghetti, which he loves. We were sitting at the table, with him in his booster seat. He had a bowl of pineapple chunks, and a bowl of spaghetti. He ate a few bites of pineapple, and then decided to put it in the spaghetti. Dh grabbed the bowl, so he coudn't dump them together, and that set Evan off. He started screaming like he was hurt. I thought it was possible that he WAS hurt, since his seat is at the section of the table with the fold out leaf, and it has little metal bars that hold it up, I thought maybe he had bumped his leg on it, or something. So I got him out of his seat. I KNEW better. At that point, he wanted to play in my food, and dump his food on me. I stuck him back in the booster and listened to him scream while I shoveled my food down. Good times. Bed time was not much better. In fact, he just stopped screaming a few minutes ago.

The effectiveness of the OPK's is yet to be seen, but I got a definate positive yesterday, and a VERY faint line today, so it looks like I actually caught my surge. Now lets just hope we catch that egg. I think we are going to bd again tonite, just to make sure. I am SO sick of bd at this point. I actually think dh might be sick of it too. Please God let this be our month.

Dinner with dh's cousin, and his wife wasn't bad. It wasn't really great either though. His wife is just such an idiot, I can't deal with her for long. She was complaining about having nothing to do, and she said she literally sleeps the whole time Danny is at work, so I told her she could always call me and we could do something. I only offered because I feel pretty sure she won't call. I did a fair amount of pg talk, but I don't think she really wants to hear about delivery, etc, from someone with a dead baby. I guess I can't really blame her on that one. I asked if they had everything they need, and she said they wanted to get "one of those chairs that bounce and vibrate" because she liked things that vibrated when she was a baby. And she also thought that the baby might like to sit in it sometimes when he wants to watch tv. We were also told that we are expected to be at the hospital when the baby is born since they are having the baby here in our town. Not so sure what I think about that one. It's a baby boy, and honestly, the only newborn baby boy I have held since Caleb was Evan. We'll see though, if they even bother to call us.

Saturday, April 01, 2006

Dh called his cousin tonight finally, to see if they had gotten bottles for their baby, due in May. I HATE his wife. She literally makes me sick. I don't know what it is about her, but she just really rubs me the wrong way, more than anyone else has in a long time. She has never done anything TO me, but I just can't stand her. But the thing is, I really like dh's cousin. Danny is a pretty good guy, and I think he got suckered in to this marriage. I am pretty sure she got pg on purpose, just to get him to marry her after 4 months of dating (3 of those months he was in Panama!)
So anyway, they are pretty broke (like us) and I know they need help, and this baby will still be family, so we got some stuff for him. A couple of hooded towels, some really nice baby washcloths (not the cheapo ones) and a couple of cutsey stuff I just couldn't resist. I also had a trash bag of mostly unused bottles. Alot of them were bought when I was pg with Caleb. I kept them, thinking I would use them if we had another baby. Then Evan was breastfed, and wouldn't have taken a bottle if he was starving to death. We tried to get him to take a bottle, but I can literally count on one hand how many times it worked. So the only bottles that were used were only used MAYBE once. I held onto them, thinking again that maybe one day we would need them. But now they are just taking up space, and since some of the bottles are old, I figured I should give them to someone that could use them before the nipples got old and fell apart.
So we offered them to Danny and his wife. You know what they said?? They asked if there were any Avent bottles in there, because those were the ones she wanted. So here is the thing, if someone offers you a trashbag FULL of bottles, and you are pg, and broke, wouldn't you TAKE them, and just say thank you?? I could easily sell them on ebay, but I thought I would make a nice gesture and give them to her for free, and she is picky about it?? I am SOOOO tempted to take the Avents out, and give her all of them BUT those. Dh won't let me though. He's just NO fun.