So you don't have to send out a search party.....

I'm sorry for the pity party post, and then not coming back for days. I am actually ok. Dh was off work for the weekend and we got to spend some time together. I also got to spend Saturday shopping with a friend, so I got a little adult interaction. It's amazing how much that can help you at times. I am still not great, but I am in a better place than I was.

I have decided that this month I am not going to temp. I haven't decided if I will do the opk's or not yet though. I can't handle getting my hopes up because my chart looks so good, only to have them crushed, again and again. We will see how it goes with no temps to stare at each day. It might be worse, but I figured it was worth a try. I just can't keep doing this month after month.

I am going to SC tomorrow (cd9) and I am going to spend the night at my mom's. Then Thursday, I am bringing my neice and nephew back to VA with me to spend a week. I am not sure how much bd we will manage to squeeze in anyway, so this month just may not be worth trying. Looks like this month will be our month to "just relax and stop trying so hard". We'll see what happens. Hopefully I will be able to post in the next week or so, but if not, it's just because we are busy.

I got a bottle of wine in the fridge, just in time for the pity party. I have every intention of drinking it tonite. Ok, well not all of it, because I am a REALLY cheap drunk, and it's just me and Evan tonite. I won't get more than a buzz because if something happens, I have to be able to keep him safe, and we all know how great I am at keeping my kids safe........ (and of course, I wont touch the wine until he goes to bed)

Let's face it, I am depressed as hell. I am tired of being lonely, but dont feel like being around people either. At least not the people I know around here. I don't have the energy to be around people I have to pretend in front of. I am not happy, and I am sick or pretending I am. I miss my son every single day. I miss my family, and the one friend I had that got it. The one friend I have that considers my kids (yes, both of them) HER kids too. Instead I am stuck with superficial mom's and playgroups where the moms all sit around and talk about what horrible parents everyone else is. I can't keep Evan locked up in the house, and I want him to be around other kids because he loves them so much, but it's absolute torture for me. I am so tired of being so tired. I have no motivation to do anything. I am so tired of this being MY life.

After being told over and over again how wonderful my chart looked, I couldn't help but get my hopes up. I broke down and tested, eventhough the soreness in my boobs was gone, and my temp dipped a little today, I couldn't help myself. I POAS. And got yet another BFN. I knew better.

I am tired of being crushed each month. I am tired of having my hopes up, just to have them shattered again and again. I am tired of seeing BFP after BFP from everyone else (a good friend of mine got a BFP today. Her first month off BCP, and she has PCOS on top of that. I couldn't be happier for her though) I am tired of having people say "It's still early, don't give up hope". Message board after message board, "It's not over" "It's still early" etc etc etc. I want to scream at all of them. "Stop fucking patronizing me!!" I know they mean well, but I am tired of hearing it, month after month.

I went back to look at my charts to see exactly when I went off BCP. I started charting June 30th of last year. A month longer than I was thinking (I was thinking it was July). I have gotten pg the first month not preventing *3* times now, so why the fuck is it taking so long now?? I know that a year is really not that long. There are so many that go MUCH longer. I KNOW that, but it doesn't help the way I feel.

I have an appointment for a pap on June 5th. I was so hoping I would be pg by the time that appointment got here. I don't know where we go from here. This new practice I will be going to does handle infertility, but not without a referral, so I don't know what all will be involved in getting one. I guess from this point, I will go to the appointment, and bring up the fact that we have been ttc for a year, and see what the dr says. I am completely freaked out, not knowing comes next. Any advise?

Evan has a black eye. Poor little guy looks rough. We went to the park yesterday to meet a friend and her dd. We were pretty much the only people there because it was overcast, and had been drizzling off and on (but it didn't rain AT the park, just on the way to it). There is one of those merry go round things there, and he was spinning it around (not on it, just walking around beside it, spinning it). He tripped over his own feet, and I saw his FACE hit the deck of the merry go round, and BOUNCE off. He hit the ground screaming. I ran over there, fully expecting to see LOTS of blood. I could instantly see a huge knot forming right beside his eye, with a big purple line through it, but no blood. I picked him up, and calmed him down, and he was over it in less than five minutes. He jumped back down, and went off to play again. I kept touching his eye, to make sure there were no cracked bones, and he would whine and turn away, but not scream or anything. The kid is going to give me a heart attack. It doesn't seem to bother him, but his eyelid is totally purple today, and he still has a 2 inch long diagonal line on the corner of his eye where he hit (that's nice and purple too)and it still looks a little swollen. But he seems ok. That's the important thing.

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I am thinking of Cathy and Steve today, as they bury their son Travis. No one should ever have to bury one son, much less *2*. Sending all of my love, and wishing I could do more...........

Thinking of Alex

Happy first birthday Alex. I wish you were here smearing cake all over the place and bringing smiles to your family's faces. Cathy, I am thinking of you and your family today, and sending you thoughts of peace.

Absolutely Disgusted

So many of us would have done anything in this world to have our babies HERE with us, and then you have shit like THIS????

I'm going to vomit now.

Goodbye beast

Haven't they been through enough hell? I am just sick for Catherine and Steve. This is so damn unfair. I'm so sorry you guys. Please stop by Catherine's blog and offer some words of support.

First Britney, now THIS????

Dragonflies and Stealth Bombers

We took Evan to the air show today. He absolutely loves planes, so when we heard about the air show at the Air force base, we were all for it. It was really a good show actually, with lots of planes on display, and several that Evan could go onto and even see the cockpits. The cockpits were the best. He would push EVERY button (YIKES!) he could. Trying to get him back OUT was the issue. He threw at least one tantrum. We were there for about 3 hours, and then Evan hit meltdown mode, so we left. I think it was a mixture of the noise of the new Raptor jets and the sun in his eyes that did him in. He just got to the point where he was crying and saying "hold you, mommy" and when I picked him up, he would bury his face in my shoulder. He was totally impressed with the Stealth bomber though, and honestly, so was I.

While we were sitting on the ground, eating our lunch and watching the planes, there was this dragonfly that just kept coming back to us over and over. We saw TONS of butterflies, but this was the only dragonfly. Thank you Caleb.

I missed him so much today (and every day). I would have done anything to have both of my boys there. To see their eyes light up as they point to the sky saying "airplane, airplane!!" I would have done anything to have to push a huge double stroller. Anything to have both of my boys to keep track of. Boys love planes, and I would have loved to show them to him. God how I miss him.

Don't ya just love spammers? Apparently they have figured out how to get around the whole word verification thing? Or I'm just lucky to get completely insane comments on my blog? Let's see how comment moderation works now, I guess.

I guess you could add me to the list of abandoned blogs. I didn't mean to leave my blog hanging like this. It's just that I have no life, and how many times can you write the same things over and over again? Dh hasn't been working nights either, and I don't usually post when he's home.

Not too much going on here. I managed to finally make an appointment for my annual. I was supposed to have my last one in Aug. of 2005 actually. I have been putting it off since we moved because of my anxiety issues, honestly. I was terrified to call the insurance company and find out how I needed to get an appointment, or who I needed to go to. The good news is that with an annual, I didn't have to get a referral, and basically I was allowed to just call around until I found someone that was taking patients, and just make an appointment. Sounded easy enough, but I know better. The thing is, I have experience with exactly 2 dr's, and the first one was horrible. That, and the fact that I have heard horror story after horror story of dr's that could have prevented losses, but they weren't willing to listen, or the way they had absolutely no compassion when the loss was happening, so I KNOW what kind of dr I could potentially end up with, and it scares the shit out of me. Another reason I kept putting the appointment off was that I kept thinking "well I will be pg soon anyway, so no reason to make the appointment, and then have to change the type of appointment it is". Yeah, feel free to laugh now.

So, anyway, I was hoping to find a female dr, but that is apparently impossible. I was finally told that once I was an established patient, then I could change, but if I am not pg, there isn't a lot I can do about it. Sooo, apointment is June 5th, and it's with a male dr. And I am already scared shitless. And it's JUST an annual.

The practice I am going to handles fertility and high risk pg, so in theory, I shouldn't have to go anywhere else. I was told I had to get a referral for anything fertility related, but I am still hoping and praying that it doesn't come to that. We are getting so close to that year mark though.....

Everything else around here is just the same old same old. Evan's had some horrible days (he was in time out at least 5 times one day this past weekend) but he has also had some good ones. He was really sweet today, and didn't seem to get too upset about anything.

Our dryer has been broken for over a week now. We have wet clothes hanging all over the place (why is it that when you have a broken dryer, your kid goes through at least 3 pairs of pants in ONE day??) Maintainence is horrible here. There is ONE guy that seems like he knows what he is doing, and that's not the one that showed up. I called last Thursday to tell them it was broken (dh didn't bother to tell me when he realized his clothes weren't drying 2 days earlier). They showed up Friday around 3:30. He claimed that the part needed to be ordered, and he had no clue when it would show up. Longer story short, we are STILL waiting.

So yeah, things are boring.