On a positive note.....

My dr's visit on Tuesday went well. I was really nervous about it because of the GTT test, and meeting a new dr. Well, I still don't have the results of the GTT (they were supposed to call to schedule the 3 hour test if I failed, and I haven't heard anything at all yet. Hopefully that is a good sign)The new dr seemed like a really nice guy. I asked about NST's and told him that my first son was stillborn (still not used to having to tell SOMEONE about that at EVERY appointment, instead of my old dr's office where they all knew me and my story). He actually came over to me, put his hand on my shoulder, and told me how sorry he was, and seemed to actually MEAN it. He seemed like a very compassionate person actually, which seems to be rare in a dr. Anyway, he said that they have no problem at all with doing NST's, and that they usually start them around 34 weeks. That seems pretty late to me, but he said that they could start them earlier if I needed them for peice of mind. I will definately push MY dr when I see him on the 14th to start them earlier, because 34 weeks seems TOO far away.

On a different note though, we found out today that dh made First Class!! (his rank) It couldn't have come at a better time. He has worked his ass off for this and totally deserves it. Of course we have no idea when he will actually get his money for it, but it WILL eventually mean a raise. Hopefully that will mean we can afford to get a bigger place. We will see how it works out.

Things are good......

Update

Thank you Anam Cara for checking in on me. I didn't mean to worry anyone. All is ok here. I have had lots of good intentions to come post, but we all know how that goes. We had serious internet issues for about a week where the computer was pretty much impossible to use. Once that got fixed, my in laws came for the weekend, and so we were busy the whole weekend. Then my parents came up last Tuesday to stay for Thanksgiving, and we were really busy with them. (they actually just left).

Things are ok though. Evan was sick with a cold the entire time my parents were here, so he was kind of hard to deal with, but not too bad. He REALLY enjoyed my mom being here. She lets him get away with everything, and plays with him like she is a big kid too. (which is entirely different from my mil who just sits on the couch when she is here, or goes out and just buys Evan stuff, but never actually PLAYS with him) Poor dh, once again, had to work most of the time they were here, so he didn't get to spend much time with them. It seems like it always works that way.

Mom and I managed to work on Caleb's Christmas tree. I can't stand that I can't go out to the cemetary and help her put it up out there. I hate looking at all of the stuff Evan will have for Christmas, and Caleb gets a damn tree in a cemetary. This is so fucking wrong. I hate that THIS is the only thing I can do to take care of my oldest baby. God we were so robbed.

This time of year is already taking it's toll on me. I think of Caleb non-stop. I hate the countdowns to Christmas all over the place, and automatically adding 10 days to that countdown until we get to Caleb's birthday. I hate trying to buy sour cream at the grocery store, and looking at the date and seeing January 5th. I just want to hide until it's all over.

I wake up several times a night, thinking over and over in my head "Please God let the baby move" and I can't fall back to sleep until the baby DOES move. I am finding myself constantly thinking about movement. CONSTANTLY. I really did not think this time would be so hard. I made it through with Evan, so I KNOW it's possible to have a living baby, but I also know the OTHER possibilities.

I have a dr appointment tomorrow. I get to do the GTT (oh YAY) and of course I am worried about it. Part of me feels like I am so close to being at the end of this pg, and part of me thinks that Febuary is still SO far away.

For now though, I am going to look at it as 10 more weeks.......... I can do that, right?

Santa, tantrums and fear

I thought Evan had this Santa thing figured out. A couple of weeks ago when the Toys R Us big toy book came out, I was looking at it online. Evan came and climbed up in my lap, and was looking with me. I stayed quiet, not really pointing anything out while I was getting ideas for Christmas. The first page he showed interest in was the Thomas page. "Mommy, I want TRAINS!" I told him I knew he wanted trains. Then he saw the train table on the page with the track all set up on it. "Mommy, I want TUNNELS!!!" I told him that maybe we would ask Santa to bring him tunnels for Christmas. This was the first mention of Santa. Then he saw the Imaginext dinosaurs. "MOMMY! I want DINOSAURS!!" Again, I told him we would ask Santa to bring him the dinosaurs. At this point, he jumped down from my lap, went into the kitchen, and told his daddy "I going to tell Santa I want trains, tunnels, and dinosaurs." Then he came back to the living room, grabbed his shoes and brought them to me so we could go RIGHT THEN. I thought for sure that he would forget all about it, but he is still telling me weeks later that he wants to ask Santa for trains, tunnels and dinosaurs.

Well tonite, i asked him what he wanted to eat. Dh is working, so it's just Evan and me. I don't cook a big meal when dh isn't here. I usually just throw something quick together for Evan. He didn't eat anything at all for lunch, so I knew he was hungry. He told me immedaitely he wanted "hot dogs and oranges". I told him we didn't have any oranges, and his reply??

"Let's ask Santa for oranges!!!"

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He has been absolutely impossible for the past couple of days. I dont know what is going on with him, but any time I ask him to do ANYTHING, he throws himself on the floor and cries. I try to pick him up, he goes limp. He's been an absolute pain. He won't stay in bed (once he does stay in bed, he goes straight to sleep). He doesn't want to nap. I THINK it's a new tooth turning him into such a brat, but I am not so sure how much I can take. Where has my sweet little boy gone???

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The baby has been really quiet today. I have found myself begging the baby to move more than once. I snuck upstairs and checked with the doppler, and of course the baby immediately started moving. I hate that pg has to be this way now. I hate that I can't just enjoy it fully. I hate that I am STILL terrified to buy anything. Thank God for the brilliant person who decided to make dopplers available to rent.

25 week update

Nothing exciting to report here. (Boring is good though!) I had my ob appointment on Monday. Just the typical tummy check, urine check, weight, blood pressure. Nothing special. Everything is looking good (well, we aren't discussing weight gain here....) I reminded the dr that he promised a quickie u/s to try to find out the gender, and he had no problems doing that for us. I really think I like this dr alot. He did the u/s, and once again, this baby REFUSES to cooperate!!! We still don't know what we are having!! It was nice to get to see the baby though, and hear the dr saying that the baby looks great. He says he would GUESS girl, (which is the same thing the u/s tech said at 20w) but he just could not get a good shot. He said he would try again at a later time if we wanted, so maybe we will find out, but I doubt it. I will definately get him to try though so I can get another peek at the babe.

I meant to ask him about NST's and inducing, but Evan was with us, and it's hard to think straight with a 2 year old running all over the office filled with VERY expensive medical equipment! I asked the dr I first saw at that practice about NST's and he had no problem doing them, and he saw nothing wrong with inducing, but he is not technically my dr. My dr is the one that did the u/s on Monday. I feel like he will be more than willing to do both, but I need to be absolutely sure. And of course my next appointment is with a different dr, so most likely I wont get to find anything out then either.

Next appointment is in 3 weeks for the Glucose tolerance test. Yay.

Because I don't want to be you

From Caleb's guestbook on his website:

Hey there....I saw the link in your sig at Cmoms. I read your story and I am deeply touched and my complete sympathies go out to you. Even though I am in my second pregnancy (I have a 2yo daughter), I still worry quite a bit about things like this and despite what my OB tells me, you story proves that things like this DO happen. Now I don't feel so bad for bugging the crap out of them when I am worried about something. Thank you for sharing your story!

Glad to be an exapmle. I really could have done without this person bothering to sign his guestbook. WTF is wrong with people??

Halloween

I am trying to get better about posting. I really am. Halloween went well. The original plan was for my friend J and her 18 month old dd to come to my house after J got off of work, and then we were going to drive to a nice neighborhood behind her house to Trick or Treat. Dh was working days, but sometimes he doens't get home until 7pm, so he was going to try to find us when he got home. J got here, and we decided to put her dd's carseat in my van, and then we were going to take Evan's wagon for the kids to ride in between houses. While we were getting the kids dressed and diapers changed, dh came home. He watched the kids while we installed the carseat and loaded the wagon and diaper bags into the van. I noticed there were several kids Trick or Treating around our apartment courtyard, and so I ran into the house and told dh to take the kids around our courtyard while we finished getting ready to leave. Dh came back over to us when he had gone around our courtyard, and the kids had a ton of candy already! We decided that since there seemed to be so many trick or treaters right here, we would just stay at my apartments instead of going to the other neighborhood. (so much for installing the carseat!!) The kids had a blast!! I think J's dd loved the wagon ride more than anything else. Evan was all about the candy. He did great at first, saying "Trick or Treat" at every house, but after awhile, he started just reaching into the bowls to take his OWN candy! It was hilarious. It took him no time at all to figure out we only go to the doors with the light on, and he loved to knock on the doors. The kids (and the adults) were worn out by the time we were done!! It was fun though. Hopefully I got some good pics (not sure about that yet!)