Where Things Stand

So I haven't touched the doppler again. Not sure I plan on it. Honestly, for the moment, I am feeling almost positive (except for that damn nagging fear that is always in the back of my mind, but that is nothing new) about this baby. I am thinking that it's a very good possibility that the baby has moved, and that is why I couldn't find the heartbeat. I know that I could seriously be kidding myself here, but I have a dr appointment on the 5th, and I didn't see the point in going in before that. I just can't bring myself to try the doppler again though. I can't take hearing my heartbeat, and not the baby's. It brings me back to that morning in January of 2003, with all of those nurses standing over me, taking turns trying to find Caleb's heartbeat. Not a moment I want to relive.

It seems like the morning sickness (what a joke THAT is!! Try 24 hour a day sickness people!!) is GONE. Of course now it's replaced with the insane hunger. I am STARVING. The bleeding and spotting seems to be gone again too. Of course it went away for 3 days before and then came back, so we will see.....

Evan has been so obnoxious today. His new thing? You tell him what you want him to do, and he says "I don't want ______". A few examples from tonight, when told it was time to brush teeth? "I don't want brush teeth." Time to go to bed brings on "I don't want bed". Only imagine that response for EVERYTHING. Yeah, it was cute for all of 5 minutes. Not so much anymore.

I'm off to find food.......

I Hate the Doppler

I have tried to come post a couple of times, but Blogger just wouldn't let me. Don't ya just love it?

Anyway, I knew better than to mention the lack of bleeding or spotting, because as soon as I did, it started again. It hasn't gotten worse, so it really doesn't worry me much. I think it annoys me more than anything else.

I got the doppler Wednesday, and found the hb IMMEDIATELY. Found it immediately on Thursday too. Friday night when I checked, I couldn't find it. I thought I heard it for a second, but I am not totally sure. I know I heard movement though (I even double checked the cd that came with the doppler to make sure that was movement that I heard). I was scared, but it was Friday night, so there wasnt much I could do. I convinced myself that the baby has just changed position and went to bed (and had wonderful dreams of dead babies). The next morning I checked for the hb again, and couldn't find it. I am not sure I heard movement either. It could have been because the baby was asleep, or it could be because the baby is gone. FUCK.

I haven't touched the doppler since. I am not sure I will. I am strongly considering just sending the damn thing back. I don't see the point in checking for the hb again today because honestly, if it's too late, it's too late, and there is nothing anyone can do. I am nervous about the whole thing, but not terrified. I don't really have a feeling of dread, and I dont feel like it's all over at this point, but I could be so horribly wrong. I just can't get that out of the back of my head. It could be too late.

I really thought that maybe this pg would be different. I was so scared the entire time with Evan. I guess I thought I would be able to be more positive this time since I have managed to have one living baby, but I think this time might be worse. This just totally sucks.

I have managed to go 2 whole days with absolutely no bleeding or spotting. Dh was working, so I had to take care of Evan on my own, which means there wasn't much time for taking it easy either. I hope that's a good sign. The morning sickness is getting a lot better too. Instead of feeling like shit ALL day, I have really only felt bad at night.

I finally ordered a doppler though. It's supposed to be here Wednesday I think. I can't wait.

Scary Night

Last night, at about 2am, I got up for one of my (many) trips to pee. I stumbled into the bathroom, and didn't bother with the light (there is a nightlight in there). I pulled my undies down, and there it was. Blood. I was instantly terrified. I looked into the toilet, and there was a drop or red. RED. Fuck.
I got up, and came downstairs to tell dh, and to try to figure out what the hell I needed to do. I decided to wait and see if the bleeding got worse, or stopped. I had absolutely no cramping, no pain at all, just that damn blood.
I stayed up for about an hour (probably going through a whole roll of toilet tissue in that time) and the bleeding didn't stop. It didn't get worse, but it didn't stop. It was thunderstorming pretty bad outside, and Evan was asleep. I really didn't want to go to the ER alone, and I didn't want to wake Evan up, and drag him to the ER either. I knew that even if the baby was gone, there wasn't anything the ER would be able to do to save it, and the bleeding wasn't bad enough to hurt me. After about an hour though, dh started telling me that we WERE going to the ER. I decided to call the dr and see what he had to say about it all.
I had him paged, and he called back pretty much immediately. I told him what was going on, and he didn't seem too worried. He said that being 13 weeks, he wasn't concerned since I wasn't having any cramping, but that he wanted me to come in today so they could check things out. I asked him if he thought I should go to the ER, and he said he really didn't see the need.
So I told dh what the dr had said, and I went back to bed to TRY to sleep. By this point it was about 2am. I ended up passing out pretty easily, but had horrible dreams.
When I got up this morning I called the office, and they couldn't get me in until 1:15 (WTF???) The nurse I talked to told me to take it as easy as possible, and if the bleeding got worse, to call them back. I went back to bed (and let dh watch Evan) and tried to nap some. I was still bleeding some.
I went in at 1:15, and was there FOREVER. I have decided I really don't like this one nurse. When I told her about the bleeding, she says "So you are spotting". Umm NO. It's more than that. But not ALOT more. I was in the u/s room for roughly an hour waiting on the dr. Scared out of my mind the entire time. Thinking the worst. Over and over. The dr came in and did the u/s. He showed me the screen almost immediately. A LIVING baby. MOVING. With a HEARTBEAT. Thank you God.
He said the baby looks perfect at this point. He doesn't think this pregnancy is in any danger at all. He seemed very confident about it, and actually said he is really not worried. He thinks the reason for the bleeding is a low lying placenta. Not quite placenta previa, but close. He said he saw no clots or other issues at all. He told me to try to take it easy, and not to do too much lifting, and if the bleeding gets worse, to call him. And he told me to come in AS NEEDED.
So everything is fine. The baby is fine, just apparently likes to scare me out of my mind. I'm off to order my doppler now.

Update

Sorry I didn't update yesterday about my dr appointment. I tried to log on, but Blogger had issues (imagine that) and then fil showed up, so I just didn't get a chance. The appointment was very "normal". Everything was fine, and we still have a heartbeat. 140's-150. I am reassured for the moment, but ask me again how I feel in about 3 weeks, when I am getting closer to the next appointment. (they have me going the usual every 4 weeks) So far, so good.

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I have heard from some people that knew Crissi personally (you know, not internet friends) that she died from a pulminary embolism. A blood clot from her c-section. She was at her home, and some family had come over to see baby Gianna for the first time, and bring presents. Crissi was opening presents, and her dh asked her if she felt ok, and then Crissi said no, and collapsed. Just that fast. Apparently her 2 year old, TJ was there and saw the whole thing. I can hear his screams in my head. I can imagine him crying "Mommy! Mommy!" over and over. It rips my heart out.

I knew the good news wouldn't last

Let me just start by saying that nothing bad has happened to me or the baby (as far as I know, I have a dr appointment in the morning).

I got some horrible, shocking news this morning. One of my online friends passed away Friday at 42 years old. We think it was a heart attack at this point. Crissi was one of the first friends in loss that I met. In those first horrific days, when Caleb's death was so new, and dh was in Iraq. I stumbled across a chatroom on one of those huge baby sites for grief and loss. I had never even noticed the chats on that site before, but needing somewhere to go, I entered. Crissi was there. She had lost her first child too. A little boy named Michael, in her second trimester. She had incompetent cervix.

Crissi was an awesome woman. She was a Jersey girl, and once a biker, still had a little of a rough edge to her. But she was also one of the most loving and compassionate people I knew. She had a baby boy in March of 2004 (days before Evan was born) and just 13 days ago, gave birth to her second living child, a baby girl. 13 days.

Her baby girl was a total surprise pg for them. Crissi had a heart condition, and pg would be very dangerous for her. Then there was her age. But she embraced the idea of being a mom again. She was monitored very closely the whole pg. When Crissi found out her baby was a girl, she talked about how sad she was that her mother (that passed away about 2 years ago) would never know her granddaughter. And now, that baby girl will never know her mother either.

Crissi's baby girl was born early by c-section, and Crissi lost alot of blood. I don't know if that extra stress on her body made things worse or not. Her baby girl was home for 5 days when Crissi died. She was surrounded by family, laughing and chatting in the living room of her home. She died on the day her c-section was originally planned.

Crissi, your friendship meant so much, and you will always be remembered. I love you, my friend.

More good news!!!

Congrats to Sillyhummingbird on the safe arrival of Declan Broderick!! I couldn't be happier for you!!!

What did I do to deserve THIS?

FIL is coming back up on Wednesday. And staying with us. At least dh is off, because I seriously can't deal with FIL's shit. He's supposed to stay Wednesday night, Thursday, and leave Friday morning when dh goes back to work. UGH.

At least I have a dr appointment on Wednesday, so I have something to look forward to. I could really use some reassurance. If I wasn't still so sick, I'd be completely stressed, but I am almost calm. ALMOST.

A Break for Some Good News

I have been reading blogs, but not posting lately, because, really, how many times do you really want to read about some pg chick feeling shitty? I figured I would spare you all.

I do feel the need to recognize all of the good that has been going around in the blogosphere lately though.

Welcome to the world Eleanor, Natalie, and Milo!! I couldn't be happier that all 3 of you arrived safe and sound!!

Also, CONGRATS to Laura!!, Wishing you a happy, healthy 9 months!!