Thinking of Kate

And Nicolas today on his 4th birthday. Happy birthday sweet boy!! Kate, I am keeping you in my thoughts today.

PPD and Jumping through hoops

I never got a chance to update after my 6 week pp appointment Monday. Ok, well maybe I had a chance, but I just didn't have the energy to actually post. Anyway, the appointment went fine. I took L with me, and she literally screamed from the second I signed in. It was bad. I brought her a bottle, but she wasn't thrilled by the idea of taking it from me (she takes a bottle from dh fine). My appointment was with the NP, but the NP was apparently working with a med student. She came in and asked if it was ok with me if I saw the med student instead of her. I said it was ok. Of course I was actually freaking out at that point because I had finally gotten up the courage to mention the possibility of PPD, and now I wasn't sure what to do. The student came in, and she was actually pretty cool. I managed to bring up how overwhelmed, and anxious, and just defeated I was feeling lately, and she agreed it was probably depression. She gave me a RX for Prozac since that is what I was on before (when Caleb died) and it seemed to really help me.
They want me to follow up in a month to see if my doseage is right, etc. This is where we jump through hoops. My referral is apprently up, so I have to get another referral to be able to continue care with my ob. I have to manage to get into the clinic to see my primary care within 3 weeks or so so they have plenty of time to get the referral processed. Have I mentioned how much I HATE Tricare lately? I called the appointmetn line, and they didn't have anything. They connected me with the clinic, and the first appointment they had was this morning at 9:30am. Oh and dh was working this morning. I originally took the appointment, but went back and cancelled it because there was no way I could get E and L ready, and out of the house by 8:30 to get to the appointment early (because if you aren't early, they cancel your appointment). The THOUGHT of trying to take them both with me, alone was terrifying! I ended up getting an appointment for the 30th, and dh is off so I won't have to take the kids with me. That takes SOME of the stress out of it.
So that's what is going on with me. I haven't started the meds yet, but I will tomorrow. (I only had a month's supply and my appointment was like 35 days away) I just hope the meds will even me back out so I can deal. I know Evan will still be difficult and jealous, but maybe I can deal with it a bit better. One can hope.

Real Moms

I was tagged by Kate for this meme, and for once, this one hit me hard enough to make a special effort to participate. I totally agree when Kate said we "....try to make things work out the best they can...". What else can we do?

"real moms sometimes have children you can’t see.this meme goes out to all the mothers who don’t get tagged for things like this. the ones who’ve given birth but had no baby to take home. who sit on the sidelines of conversations about mucous plugs and back labour, with stories to tell but no room to participate. who have a little gravestone or an urn or just a memory in the place of a child. who have adoption papers saying “relinquish all rights…” or ultrasound photos but nothing more. or who have two smiling school photos on their desk, but really, inside, count to three when you ask “how many kids do you have?”this is for all the real moms with children invisible to the eye."

When I saw this post I had 2 pictures I immediately thought of. The first one is Evan "helping" me decorate his big brother's grave for Christmas. The second is from Caleb's 3rd birthday when we went to his grave to release balloons. I still remember Evan standing there, watching the balloons go up into the sky, and saying "Bye bye Caleb" over and over. I sobbed. And of course tried to hide it from Evan.

The last few days have been crazy. Dh is off of work, so we have been trying to get some things done. Yesterday we went to the mall to look for outfits for the kids to get pics taken in, and I needed some jeans (since I have NONE that fit me, and the maternity jeans were getting OLD). When Evan was a baby, we could do anything we wanted, and drag him along happily with us. He was so easy-going. NOT Miss Lauren. First off, she HATES the carseat. And honestly, the way she acts, hate is not a strong enough word. We got one of the sit and stand type strollers and most of the time, we end up pushing the empty stroller while Evan walks, and I carry Lauren. So trying to shop, while trying to keep her happy was a nightmare. We did manage to get the kids their outfits, and I got 2 pairs of jeans. Mission accomplished.
Then we went to Toys R Us to get Evan his bike for his birthday. Long story short, he ended up melting down in the middle of the store, telling us he did not WANT a bike (not even a THOMAS bike). We ended up leaving without one. Of course the minute we got home, he cried because he wanted a bike. UGH!! We may try again another day to get a bike, but I just don't know.
So today we decided to go to the petting zoo since it was supposed to be about 70 degrees out. We got all ready, drove the 20 minutes to get there, and the place was CLOSED. Evan had talked all morning about seeing the animals, and was so excited about it, and the damn place was closed. So we decided to go ahead to Norfolk to the zoo. We got there, got out of the car, and Lauren started crying. We got into the zoo, and I sat down to feed her while Evan played at the fountain. When I was done, I tried to put Lauren in the stroller (carseat) and she started screaming. I decided to try my new sling and see if that worked. That was when I noticed the poop all over her pants. Her very first blow out. This was a blow out to put any Evan ever had to shame!! It was down to her KNEES. So off to the bathroom I went to change her. Evan and dh went ahead and looked at the farm animals while they were waiting on me. After I got her changed, I tried the sling. She HATED it. She screamed like she was being tortured (which meant I had to hear all kinds of comments from everyone passing by). It ended up where I had to just carry her the rest of the time at the zoo. Thank God its a SMALL zoo.
At least Evan was well behaved.
The thing is, I just don't know how to deal with a baby that is not flexible. Evan was so easy going, so this is such a shock. Lauren can be such a sweet baby, but if things don't go exactly how she wants them, she totally melts down.
And here is what I have to make a descision on. Dh had to work on Easter. I really, desperately want to go to SC for Easter. The church mom goes to does a huge egg hunt every year, and I know Evan would love it. Plus most of my family has never met Lauren. Not only that, my brother got engaged on Christmas, and I have NEVER met his fiance. And I desperately NEED to go see Caleb. It has been 10 months since I have been able to go to his grave, and it is killing me. I need to bring something to him. I need to bring his sister to meet him. I can't deal with the guilt of him being so far away much longer. I need to go and check on him. But the thing is, do I think I can make a 5 hour trip with 2 kids, ALONE?? (and yes, I know the trip will end up being alot longer than 5 hours with both kids) I think the descision is pretty much made for me to go, but do I really think I can handle it? Or am I just THAT sleep deprived??

As promised

Here are the pics of Lauren in the outfit Catherine gave her.

Poor Evan got a cold for his birthday. He didn't seem to mind it yesterday, but today it's kicking his butt. Of course now I am terrified that Lauren is going to end up with it since Evan is ALWAYS kissing on her. UGH. We were going to go to the park with a friend and her daughter, but he seems so miserable I thought we should skip it. (and of course it's in the mid 60's here today!)
Dh worked last night, so I had no help at all with the kids. It wouldn't have been too bad, except that Evan got up too last night. I was feeding Lauren and heard him out of his room, so finally I called him into my room and told him to get in my bed. Of course it was mostly so I knew where he was and what he was doing, but I also wanted him to go back to sleep. So he spent the rest of the night in mommy's bed. I just took him upstairs to take his nap today, and he instantly said he wanted to sleep in mommy's bed. UGH, I am in trouble tonite (and yes, dh is working overnight again.) Wish me luck.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!

Where did 3 years go?? Happy birthday Evan, I love you to infinity and beyond!!

I have started to post at least 15 times, and each time, I delete it. So here's the question: PPD or just typical exhaustion?? What do you think?

-I am feeling overwhelmed by everything. The house needs to be cleaned, but I don't know where to start, so I DON'T start at all. Then I am disgusted by how trashed the house is. We need groceries, but the thought of dealing with the grocery store is too much, so I just don't go.
-Lauren is a really needy baby. She cries. ALOT. At least once a day for the last week and a half, I have held her while we both sobbed hysterically. I feel like a horrible mother because I can't figure out how to calm her down, or fix it.
-I constantly feel judged. Dh asked me if I had a bottle for her (I had pumped a couple of times to have a stand-by bottle or 2) and I took that to mean that he was implying I was starving her because I was not feeding her right that second. Again, I was turned into a sobbing mess.
-I'm moody. Severely. I will snap at dh over the tiniest thing.

The thing is, Lauren is not a good sleeper at all. She won't go to sleep before 1am. (she wakes up around 10pm, and will cluster feed, and catnap from then until 1) Then she is usually up around 3, and doesn't go back to sleep until 4. Then she will be up again at 6. Evan wakes up at 7:30, which gives me very little sleep each night. So far, the kids are not napping at the same time, so I can't even catch up then. When dh is working, I have NO help because his schedule is so weird. So yeah, exhaustion is definately a good possability.

At this point, I am waiting to see how I feel at my 6 week follow up appointment, and if I am still overwhelmed, I will mention it to my dr then. (my appointment is only a week and a half away) If things get worse, of course I will call, but right now, I am just going to wait and see.

When I needed a Smile

I came home and found this in my mailbox for Lauren! Thank you so so so much Catherine!! (I will put the outfit on her tomorrow for pics, I promise!!)

And here is Lauren today, and one month old (ALREADY!!)