Good news: I didn't get stuck with Austin tonite. She didn't even ask me to watch him. Which was good, because I wasn't going to do it.

Bad news: Evan is sick. There was no way I was going to watch Austin while MY baby is sick. Not gonna happen. But she didn't even ask. It took 2 and a half hours for him to get to sleep tonite. Poor little guy was exhausted. He barely had a nap today because he couldn't breathe, and was up this morning at 5:30am. Why does he ALWAYS get sick on Fridays?

A Little About I.M.

I figured I would update some on IM and Austin. The night before I left to go to SC, she went out with friends instead of coming here to spend time with Austin. She called at about 6:30 (when she was supposed to be off of work at 3 that afternoon) and asked if we would watch Austin while she went to a Def Leopard concert. Seriously. She had gotten off of work, and met up with some friends and they had an extra ticket supposedly. Dh was pissed. He had been working all day, and then when he came home, he found out that she had stuck me with Austin without even bothering to call, so by the time she DID call, he was furious. He told her to do whatever the hell she wanted to do. So I finished packing and getting ready to go in the morning, and then went to bed while he waited up for her. She showed up around 2am with a brand new Def Leopard t-shirt (when he kid barely has any clothes) and dh FLIPPED on her. He basically told her what a horrible mom she is, and pointed out that her son goes DAYS without seeing her. She puts herself first, and Austin would do anything to get her attention when she is around. He pointed out that he cries for her, and she steps over him to get her cell phone to send someone a text. He crawls to her, and she turns and walks away to put on make up so she can go out. He told her that he is going to hate her when he gets older if she keeps this up, and pointed out how she hates her own dad for the same reasons. He said that they talked for about 2 hours, and she cried pretty much the whole time.

Since that night, she has been back ONE time. She had one of her friends babysitting Austin this week since I was out of town, and she has been calling every night to say she wasnt coming back here for one reason or another. I am betting that she doesn't feel comfortable around dh anymore. I don't really care. I wish I could say that the talk got to her and she is a changed person, but I seriously doubt it. I think what probably happened was that she ran off to her "friends" (who ran like hell when she needed a place to stay) and they told how untrue it all is, and how she is a wonderful mom etc.

Most of her stuff is still here. She wanted to ask me something earlier when she called, but dh told her I was busy. I think it was probably her wanting me to watch Austin while she goes to her Halloween party tomorrow night. She is supposed to be going to a party at a male strip club, and even has a Frederick's of Hollywood costume to wear to it. (YUK YUK YUK) She gets her apartment on the first. I won't be watching Austin anymore once she moves. One of the cheif's at work kind of figured out that I was raising her child, and he pulled alot of strings to get him into the 24 hour care center. I am just curious to see how she tries to take advantage once they move into their own place.

hmmm so my posts DID show up?? Weird. Not that it really matters. I am home now, and af showed up and is currently kicking my ass. Bitch. I am ok with it I guess though. Just hope this ttc stuff doesn't drag on for a long time like I am well aware that it can.

I am having my own personal pity party tonite I guess. Leaving SC just sucks. VA FEELS like home, and it's good to be here, but leaving SC hits me like a ton of bricks every damn time. I went by my old house before leaving just to see what all the current owner (be proud of the restraint I had there not to call her several names) had done to it. It's funny because she harrassed the crap out of us when we were under contract with her getting estimates to get all kinds of work done to the house, and from what we can tell, she hasn't done a damn thing. Even the crappy front windows haven't been replace (and they needed it desperately). It does look like she PAINTED they vinyl shutters black, but you can still see the green underneath. It looks really white trash now. And I LIKE that it looks like crap. It makes me laugh..........HARD.

After that, I went by the cemetary to see Caleb. God I miss being able to go when I want. I had Evan with me, so I couldn't stay very long (Evan was asleep in the van) but I got to take some little windchimes to Caleb, and tell him how much I miss him, and basically see that his things were all ok, and his grave is well taken care of. I don't doubt, EVER, that his grave is well taken care of, but sometimes I just need to see for myself. (mom even cuts the grass around his stone with scissors so they won't get too close with the week whacker or mower) I just hate this. It's not right that I have to leave my son there. Damn it, I should have him HERE with me, ALIVE. This is just not fair. I miss him so damn much. Why the hell was he taken from us when we wanted him so much? I know he isn't THERE, but sometimes that is hard to remember. I hate turning and walking back to the van SO MUCH. This will just never ever be right.

Going to crawl into bed...........

Seriously, I hate blogger. I just tried to post, and once again, it was lost. Quick quick update. I am still in SC and yes, Jill, my chart is right. I am 17dpo. I am going to test tomorrow when i get home most likely. I don't expect much, but my cycle is NEVER this long, and my boobs are SORE. But my cervix is still open. I don't know much about cervical position etc, but that cant be a good sign. I will be sure to update as soon as I can.

Just thought I would check in so no one thought I had fallen off the face of the planet. I am still in SC at my mom's house. Yes, my chart is right, af hasn't shown up. I am totally confused about it. I got TWO BFN's before I left. I didn't bring my thermometer with me so no idea what my temps are doing. My cervix is still open though. I don't really know alot about cervical position but I wouldn't think that was a good thing. I NEVER have long cycles and my boobs are SORE. Who knows. I am going back to VA tomorrow, and I will probably test again when I get home. Assuming, of course that AF stays away. I'll update as soon as I can.

Kind of Freaky

I just walked outside for a minute, and there are 2 cop cars out in the parking lot. The cops were talking to a neighbor in the building next to ours (about 4 doors down) and then they walked towards me. The woman cop asked me if I had seen anyone strange around lately knocking on doors or just wandering around. I haven't seen anything. There are lots of people that come and go, but it's pretty much only residents. She didn't say anything else at all, and then another cop pulled up, and she walked off. NO idea what that was about, but now she has me a little freaked out. I am here 2 night a week alone, and have always felt safe. I have never thought I had a reason to worry here. This complex is 95% military, and the other people are either older, or have families. It's a pretty quiet place. Just wish the cop had explained herself a little more.

On another note, we took the kids to the pumpkin patch yesterday. (There are pics in the photogallery on Evan's site if you are interested) Evan had a great time. It would have been nice to be able to just focus on him, but I am glad we went ahead and took him. He got to go to the petting zoo, and on a hayride. He picked out a pumpkin for himself and then one for Austin. And dh picked out one for Caleb. I can't decide if I will take Caleb's to him, or keep it here and put it with Evan's.

I broke down and tested today at 10 dpo. I wasn't going to, but let's face it, I have no willpower. It was a BFN. Pretty much what I expected. I am ok with it, just want to know why my boobs are so freaking sore.

Going to go try to get some stuff done around the house. Evan and I are going to SC this weekend so we can go to mom's church's Halloween party. My best friend will also be in town. I can't wait til Friday!!

I'm such a slack blogger. I guess I just got sick of writing about IM (and I am sure you all are sick of reading about her) so I have been quiet the last few days. The annoyance continues. Yesterday, she took Austin with her while she went to her house and finished moving (she was SUPPOSED to finish moving by Oct. 1st) so dh and I had a little break. When she brought him back here at 7:30pm, he was FILTHY. His knees were BLACK, and his hands looked like he had been playing with the tires on her car they were so black. It was disgusting. She came in, plopped him on the floor and gave him a bottle, and then SHE went to take a shower so she could go out drinking. I grabbed a wipe and wiped his knees off at least, and then when she came downstairs, I pointed out how dirty his hands were. So her excuse? Her friend took Austin outside on the porch at her house and let him crawl around. EWWW. Even if Evan had been crawling around in filth, I would have cleaned him up as soon as I picked him up. I just don't understand how she can not give a shit. It blows my mind. So she took a wipe and wiped his hands off, and then left. We have not heard from her since.

Dh and I had plans today. Does she care? Obviously not. We were going to take Evan to breakfast, and then go to the pumpkin patch. But here I am, stuck watching her kid, while my dh has taken Evan to breakfast. (I told them to go ahead and go since dh takes Evan to breakfast every weekend that he doesn't have to work, and Evan and I will be in SC next weekend) This whole situation just sucks, and I am tired of it. I thought that maybe we would just take Evan to the pumpkin patch tomorrow since dh is off work, but IM starts a manditory class tomorrow at work, so we will have Austin. I was going to tell her to leave us the carseat so we could take Austin with us so Evan doesn't have to miss out, but I dont want to do that either. I want to be able to take MY son, and focus on HIM. This is so not fair to Evan.

As far as the tarot reading, I wasn't sure WHAT I want it to mean. It just leaves so much to read into it, but I like Gabesmama's interpretation. Hadn't thought of it really that way.

My temp dropped a little this morning. I know it's still above the coverline, but I wasn't really hopeful for this month's chances anyway. I guess we will see what happens in a few days. I don't plan to test though. (I say that now)

I was hoping to get a chance to read some blogs, but Austin is screaming so it's not going to happen. Figures.

Ok so I did a Tarot reading online. This is what I got. Hmmmmm, kind of makes me wonder. (of course my question was pg related)

5 - the TeacherLearning and teachingYou have the opportunity to learn from a new spiritual teacher, or to become a teacher to others. It may be that this teacher will appear in disguise — the weeds that grow along the roadside, or a heron feeding in the mud flats at low tide. The natural world around you has some of the most profound spiritual teachings you will ever encounter. Perhaps it is time to get to know your Place on this earth in a more intimate manner. Do you know the names of native plants in your area, and how the indigenous people used them? Do you know how to interpret the different calls and songs of the birds in your neighborhood? Do you know where the sun rises and sets on the horizon in summer and in winter? The Teacher calls you to become intimately acquainted with the natural world in the place where you live, as part of your spiritual practice.

19 - the SunRadiant joyYou are being challenged to let your light shine in the world. You may find a big smile on your face. With a huge burst of energy, your spirit is shouting out a great big YES! Perhaps you have accomplished a long term goal or are receiving accolades and attention for the good work you have done. You are healthy, energetic and enthusiastic with a warm and generous heart. It's time to celebrate and get out and play in the sunshine. Sing, dance, make love, let your creativity flow. Shine on!

21 - Gaia, the WorldMay all beings be blessedResolution comes with knowing that "all shall be well." This card is the best of all possible cards to get in a reading, because it is the culmination of your spiritual journey. It signifies wholeness and an integration of your spiritual, emotional and physical lives. A major stage or cycle of your life is complete, and a new one will soon begin. You may have had a transcendent experience where you became aware of the life-energy of the planet, and you knew Mother Earth as a living being. This kind of cosmic consciousness is hard to describe, but once we have experienced it we never forget it. Our lives become a cosmic dance in which we forget and remember, forget and remember. When this card appears, you remember your birthright as a Child of Heaven and Earth.

We ended up NOT going to dh's cheif's house this weekend. Saturday we got almost 5 inches of rain (and it has drizzled pretty much non stop since then) and eventhough his cheif said rain or shine, their roof started leaking so they cancelled. I REALLY didn't want to go, but I faked disappointment for dh's sake.

Sunday we had planned on doing a little shopping and running some other errands, but then we got stuck with Austin, and eventhough we TOLD IM that we had plans, she still took forever to get back, and so I sent dh alone so he wouldn't run out of time to get things done. We invited his LPO (lead petty officer) over Sunday night though for tacos and football. His wife is in Kentucky (and also pg) so he has been pretty lonely. It was nice to have someone over though.

IM and I went shopping for some fall clothes for the boys yesterday. We honestly had a good time. She really isn't all that bad to hang out with, she is just a shitty mom. I talked her into buying a ton of clothes for Austin though, so he should be set for awhile. It's nice to see that he actually has some of the things he needs for once.

Evan's new favorite word is "no". I knew that stage would get here eventually. It's funny the way he does it though. He will say no over and over WHILE he is doing something he isn't supposed to do. Yesterday we were walking around Target, and he was just saying "no" over and over. Not like yelling it or anything, more like he was singing it. This morning it was the first thing he said when he woke up. I could hear him over the baby monitor. I think THAT was him saying it to Austin. Not sure though.

I finally got a coverline on my chart. This has been an ODD month so I am really not too optimistic. I really didn't have any cm (I know, TMI) all month, which is strange for me. I guess we will just wait and see what happens.

Wow, I have no life.

I.M. got an apartment. *4* doors down. And not until Novemeber 1st. Why the hell does the universe hate me??

We are supposed to go to a BBQ at one of dh's cheif's house tomorrow. It's supposed to rain, so not sure if they will still have it. God I hope not. I don't do the military wife roll too well. I am horribly shy, and I don't really know alot about the military since I lived so far away from it for the first 2 years of dh's enlistment. Then dh tells me out of nowhere today that his cheif's wife is VERY VERY pg. Just fucking great. Just what I want to hear, all the happy innocent end of pg talk that is sure to happen. I hate that kind of talk. I know it's only because no matter what, I will never have the chance to have that blissful end of pg thing that most people get. Caleb died at the end of my pg. I really don't know if I can deal with this.

Dh's cousin is supposed to be stopping by at some point tonite. He called last week to say he is getting married in 2 weeks. He has known this girl for about 2 months, and she was a rebound relationship after his fiance dumped him and married someone else. Oh and out of the 2 months they have known each other, he was in Panama for a month. And she is pg.

Like I said, why does the universe hate me?

Fucking blogger. Once again, my post is lost in cyberspace. I am SO not in the mood for this shit.

Fucking blogger. Once again, my post is lost in cyberspace. I am SO not in the mood for this shit.

I had a much needed day with my boy. We went shopping and got him some new clothes. He needed stuff for fall, and since dh wasn't back home yet, I thought it was a way to get out of the house. I wanted to get his pics taken, but didn't have an appointment, and the wait without one was over an hour (NOT trying that with an 18 month old!) I managed to get him 4 pairs of pants and a few shirts. And I finally found him a halloween costume. It's a purple monster thing, and it's absolutely HILARIOUS on him. He thought it was pretty funny too when I put it on him. I will try to get a pic of him in it tomorrow. I put him in jeans (even though it was in the upper 70's here today) and it was so funny. He stodd up, and tried to pull them up (he hasn't worn jeans in MONTHS) to his knees, and then when he tried to walk, he wouldn't bend his legs. It was too cute. I can't imagine being able to forget what it feels like to wear pants, but I guess that's what happened.

After we went shopping, we came home and he ate lunch, and then went to take a nap. AND I GOT TO TAKE ONE TOO. I can't tell you how much I needed that nap. It was so nice to be able to take care of what MY son needed and then be DONE.

So now I sit here trying to figure out if Brandi is going to bother showing up tonite or not. She told me when she came to get Austin on Saturday that she would be back tonite before the kids' bedtime. That was 3 hours ago. I guess that whole consideration talk went REAL far with her. She hasn't bothered to call or anything. Her and dh both have to work at 6am, and it's after 11 now. She has until midnight, and then I am going to bed.

Dh got to spend some time with Caleb when he went to SC. I got him to bring a couple of things to Caleb's grave for me. God I miss not being able to go see him. I know he isn't there, but I need to make sure his grave is ok. I need to be able to see that for myself. I know my mom checks on things, and she changes the flowers when they start to look faded, and changes out all of the toys and pinwheels (he has a ton of stuff out there) but it's not the same as seeing it for myself. And it's not the same sending stuff for him through other people. I want to be able to bring things to him myself.

My best friend wants us to come back down to SC next weekend. I am not sure that is going to happen though. I would like to go, but we really don't have ANY extra money. We would be able to stay with her, but that doesn't cover food, and gas. And it's 7 hours to where she lives instead of the 5 to where we used to live. That 2 extra hours just makes the trip sound that much more of a pain. We will see how the week goes I guess. It WOULD be nice to get away.

Peace at last.....

I finally got to talk to IM. I called her last night around 1:30 and asked if she planned to come back. She had supposedly just gotten back to her house after taking a load of her furniture to a friend's house for storage. Not so sure I believe that, but whatever. She said she had to go in to work this morning for training, and asked me if I wanted her to come back now, or in the morning. I told her to wait until morning because I just didn't want to wait up any longer. Then she said that she was going to come get Austin tomorrow and keep him with her for most of the day. I told her I thought that was a good idea. Then she said something about missing him, and I said, well I would imagine you do miss him, you have hardly seen him in days. We got off the phone, and as soon as I hung up, she called back. "I just have one more question." So I said what? And she said "Are you ok? Or are you just that tired?" I said I was tired, but that we would talk more today when she got here. She seemed like she was a little worried, and said are you sure? I told her that I was ok, but that we needed to talk. I told her I wasn't mad or anything, just that we needed to talk about some stuff. I just didn't want to get into it on the phone.

So today, the kids got up, and I made Austin's bottle (his last little bit of formula) and waited. If she had to go in for training, she should have been done by 10, and here by 10:45 at the latest. She didn't show up. By 2:00 pm, she still wasn't here, and Austin was screaming for a bottle. I tried to get him to eat some babyfood, but he didn't want that. So eventually I made him a bottle of juice, and called his mom. She was pulling in to the parking lot. As soon as she came in, she said she was so sorry that I have ended up with Austin so much, and she really didn't mean for it to happen that way. I told her that I just felt like I was being taken advantage of, and that not once has anyone asked me if *I* had anything I wanted to do, or anywhere I needed to go. She honestly sounded sorry, and like she didn't realize how much she really HAD been taking advantage of me. I truely think she just wasn't thinking about it at all. I told her that I understood that she was going through a rough time, and that she had alot she needed to get done, but that I needed some time for MY family. She said that she was going to pick up Austin's pack and play from another friend's house (the one that used to babysit him) and that they were going to stay somewhere else for the night to give me a break. She also finally gave me some money. She said they would be back tomorrow night right before the kids' bedtime so that I would have the whole day with Evan to do what I wanted.

Generally, I feel better about things. I just wanted some consideration. That's all I was asking for. I think maybe she truely realizes what she has been doing, and I THINK she is going to make an effort to straighten it out. I'm not holding my breath though. We will see what happens.