I am getting tired of the uncertainty. I don't think I have wanted af to show up so badly since I was about 19 years old. My cycles were always so predictable, and now they are just insane. I have no signs of pregnancy (and have gotten 2 BFN's) but no signs of AF either. I don't know what to think. And it's driving me nuts. I just want af to show up if that's what's going to happen so we can get on with another cycle. I have decided to go ahead and call my assigned Dr. up here and see if I can get in for an appointment soon. I have put it off and put it off because I am afraid of the nightmare of finding a Dr. with a little compassion, and of course a brain. And I know I will never find a Dr. like the one I had in SC. I just hate that I have to go to the assigned Dr. and then get referrals for EVERYTHING. Yeah it's great that we don't have co-pays etc, but they make going to the Dr. so hard.

Dh is at one of his cheif's house. We were all invited to go, but the traffic was so bad when he got off of work that he didn't get home until 7:30, and Evan's bedtime is at 8:30. So he went without me. (insert eye roll)

A pediatrician's office in Chesapeake had a convicted sex offender working in the office. And they KNEW he was a sex offender. He was caught stalking a 13 year old girl and thrown back in jail yesterday.

One of the mom's in a March 2004 mom's group I post with told us yesterday that her cousin went in to her 35 week Dr. appointment on Monday and the baby was dead. God I hate that this keeps happening. It's not right.

I guess I need to go since it's thundering and lightening pretty badly. Can't allow the computer to get blown up, can I??

Finally home. We got home last night some time around midnight. The trip back from SC sucked. It rained for at least the first half, and the traffic was BAD (we knew it would be). But Evan was well behaved, so that at least made things easier to deal with.

The weekend went ok. Thanksgiving was nice. The whole family was there, including my mil and fil. They actually didn't annoy me too badly. There was one time when they yelled at Evan for doing something that we didn't care if he did, but dh told them to stop yelling at his son. Mom and I went shopping some on Thursday and got some of Evan's Christmas shopping done while my dh took my neice and nephews to see Harry Potter. The crowds weren't too bad actually, but we were at the stores kind of late in the afternoon.

We took Evan to mil and fil's house on Saturday and he got to play with our dogs (mil and fil are keeping them since we couldn't bring them with us to the apartment). I miss my dogs so much. I didn't really realize it until I was playing with them. My in laws have let them get FAT. I wasn't really happy about that. And now they stay outside ALOT. They were used to being inside dogs when we had them. I guess I can get over that though, they seem to like to be outside, and their kennel outside is pretty big and totally covered. Evan had a blast with them.

Sunday we took Evan to church, and then came back to my parents to watch football. (we can't watch Carolina games in VA usually so I didn't mind staying). While the guys watched the game mom and I decorated the tree for Caleb's grave. I wanted to have time to take it to his grave, but it was dark outside by the time we got done. His tree looks really good though. Mom is supposed to send a pic when she puts it on his grave.

That was pretty much my weekend. Nothing too exciting I guess. Going to go try to catch up on blogs.

My Boys on Halloween

Their "Different Child" Gideon Cole has arrived safely!! What a Thanksgiving gift!! Thank you for looking over your baby brother Charlie! Congrats again Vixanne and Marc!

I am so unbelievably mad right now. My dh has busted his ass at work all year long. He hasn't taken any leave except for the 4 days when we were moving, and the 4 days around Evan's b-day. (He can't get just one day off, he has to take an entire work string off). He is NEVER late to work, and even goes in on his days off to qualify in extra stuff. He asked for our anniversary off, and they came up with some excuse for why he couldn't have it, and of course they swore they would make it up to him. They have promised him for MONTHS that he would have Christmas off. The promised he would have leave, and we planned on going home. This is our first Christmas living away from our family. We had planned on going home and having Santa come to my mom's for Evan. We were going to do our Christmas shopping down there so we would already have Evan's stuff there and we wouldn't have to pack it all up and take it with us. Well today, they told dh he can't have his leave. This is bullshit. He has to work on Christmas now. I know that we could easily have Santa come on a different day. Evan is too young, and he won't know the difference. It's just that I am so tired of them pulling this shit on my dh. We had it all planned out and they just yanked it out from under us. They did agree to give him leave for the work string following Christmas which would give him from December 27th until January 7th off, and that gives him Caleb's birthday off (for the first time since he was born).

And of course my neice's b-day is also on Christmas, so we will miss that too. We always had Christmas dinner, and then we would all have cake and ice cream afterwards, and then she would open her b-day presents. This is her 10th b-day and I won't be there. Dh told me I could go, and spend Christmas down there and he would come down when he gets out of working, but I am not going to do that to him. It's not right to take Evan away from him for Christmas. The whole thing just SUCKS.

Sorry I haven't updated in a few days, I haven't been home much. My in laws have been here for the weekend and we have been going non stop. I went shopping with mil yesterday and actually had a good time. Evan seems to be enjoying them, and they actually seem to be enjoying him. It's nice to see them finally really want to be a part of his life. Mil went nuts getting clothes for him yesterday, and even got some of his christmas stuff out of the way. Dh and my fil went to see the Harry Potter movie yesterday while we shopped.

We went to Williamsburg today for a little while. We would have stayed longer, but Evan is snotty AGAIN, and it was pretty cool outside. We came back and decided to go to the mall and check out the new Borders book store they just opened. When we got there, mil tripped on an unmarked curb and fell. She's a big woman. She is extremely overweight. When she went down, she hit her knee and her hand on the concrete. And of course she was embarrassed as hell. She tried to pretend she was ok, but once we got inside, all she could do was sit in the coffee shop. She eventually got us to get a manager and report the accident in case she ended up in the hospital by the end of the night. Her knee is REALLY swollen, and the cop was really concerned about her hand. He used to be an EMT and he didn't like the way her hand looked at all. They did an accident report, and after being there for about 2 hours, we came back to my apartment. Mil never went to the ER or anything, but I don't know if it was just pride or if she really should have. They are going home tomorrow, so maybe once she gets back to SC she will get it checked out. They are supposed to meet me and Evan for breakfast before they leave since dh has to go back to work tomorrow. I guess I will see then if she is really ok.

Paranoia and Discouraging Thoughts

I was ok with this whole ttc thing. I knew it wouldn't really happen the first month we tried (like it has for the last 3 times). I knew that we couldn't really expect that again. Now here I sit, 5 months later trying to figure out what the hell is going on. I always had an insanely predictable cycle. 28 days (NEVER longer) with O pains, etc. on day 14. Now lets be honest here. With IM living here, it wasn't like we had a chance to put everything we had into ttc. Not only that, but this has not been the best few months between dh and I. There was a month (September maybe?) where we decided to put ttc on hold. And then there is his work schedule. But damn it, this month I thought for sure we had it. Now FF doesn't think I O'd when I thought I was going to, and now our chances look pretty much shot to hell. And that is IF I even O'd at all. This cycle AND last I got the dotted coverline. So now my mind is going a million miles an hour trying to figure out what the problem is. Could it be the year of birth control pills (I had never been on any form of BCP until after Evan was born). Or maybe the year of breastfeeding?? I KNOW 5 months isn't long at all. I KNOW this, but I still can't help but wonder what the hell is going on.

My son, the great diaper escape artist does it again. About halfway down the stairs this morning, he stopped and looked down at his feet. I looked down too. And there, coming out of the leg of his pj pants, was his soaking wet diaper. How the hell did he manage THAT one?

Oh and last week when dh went to get him out of the crib, he was totally naked. Thank God they were just WET diapers (so far).

The Same But Different

I got this in an email awhile back. I thought I would share it.

"The Same - But Different" from an article by Linda Moffatt St. Louis, Missouri, Chapter of Bereaved Parent of the USA She wrote: "Have you ever seen that commercial with the little girl and the Ritz Bits crackers? The announcer is trying to get her to say whether Ritz Bits are the same as regular Ritz crackers or different. The little girl tries various explanations. First, she tells him how they're alike. "So they're the same?" he asks. "No silly," she answers, "one's little and one's big." "So they're different," he says. She rolls her eyes. Finally, in frustration, she says, "Don't you get it?" What is obvious to her - but difficult to explain - is that they're the same, but different. The shock / disbelief / horror / anger is the same. The pain in the chest is the same. The void is the same. The ache and longing and despair hurt just as much, for just as long. The difference is nobody believes any of that. When Nicholas was diagnosed (shortly after birth) with a heart defect, he was given only a short time to live. We wanted to bring him home from the hospital, and we were met with some resistance from family and friends. Many thought that bringing Nicholas home was a terrible idea. "Oh, My, you'll get attached to him, and it will be much harder on you when he dies," was the common thread of their thoughts on the matter. I didn't know how they thought we had avoided attachment to this point - he was our child, he looked just like our other children, he was our son! (Can you envision a world where people have to be talked into taking their new baby home? "Don't worry, Dear, you'll like him once you get him home and get attached to him.") People honestly think you can carry a child through pregnancy (to whatever stage the pregnancy ends), and have no feelings toward or about your child or yourselves as parents unless the child is alive and healthy. When a baby is expected, we are told by everyone, including the media, that the birth of a baby is the most blessed of all life's events, that this new person, who is different from all other persons ever born, will change our lives forever. And yet when this most blessed and unique person dies, everybody acts like it's nothing. "Oh, well, better luck next time." "It's better he died before you got to know him." "You'll have more babies." These are some of the things that make grieving for an infant child complicated - different. There is no permission given to even feel bad, because you can't have feelings for someone you didn't know?" Do I wish Nicholas had died at birth instead of living six weeks? Of course not. It simply defies logic to think that any parent would want less time with their child instead of more. People will say that the grief over the death of an infant is nothing more than the loss of hopes and dreams for the future....But we also miss that unique individual who was our first-born or second child or only daughter or whatever. Even if I'd had another child, Nicholas would still be my only child starting kindergarten this year. He was his own person with his own place in our family. When we speak of the death of a child, age has no place in the discussion of grief. Don't you get it? It's the same."

-----------------------------

Oh and the inlaws are coming NEXT weekend. Dh told me the wrong date.

My in laws are coming this weekend. Woo freaking hoo. You see, these are the grandparents I was refering to when it comes to not aknowledging Caleb. I can get along with them, and even like them at times, but there are other times that make me want to kill them. (Laura, I tried to respond to you in my comments section the other day, but it erased my comment) It just sucks that Caleb's own grandparents pretend he doesn't exist. I think it's just how mil deals with things that are painful. She ignores them, and upps her dose of prozac (not that I have a problem with prozac, I was on it for awhile myself). I think she did this same thing when her mom died. I have tried to give them pictures of Caleb, but they don't want them. My mom has pictures of Caleb every where in her house. My inlaws have this horrible habit of saying things like "If you ever decide to have a second child". Ummm yeah, we did that already. He's now 20 months old. There are some things that my mil did to me that I am not totally sure I will ever totally forgive. When I was in the hospital pushing Caleb out, mil walked (more like marched) into the room, and exclaimed loudly "I can't do this!" and marched out. I don't think she ever even saw Caleb, and I know fil just looked over dh's shoulder at him. Neither one of them held him. I know she saw him in his casket, but that was it. She alo told me that having pictures of him up in my house wasn't healthy. He's my SON damn it, not some horrible monster. It's all I have of him. If I ever mention him, she quickly changes the subject.
But she is Evan's grandma too, so I tolerate her. And can even like her at times. I just really wish that she would treat Caleb with the respect he deserves.

We took Evan to the park today. We went to a different one than usual and he had a blast. On the way back, my check engine light came on in the van. Good thing that dh was taking it in tomorrow anyway to get a recall fixed, but I am still pissed. I have had the van for 4 months. I just hope like hell it's not something WE have to pay for. We are BROKE. I am trying to figure out how to make this month's payment on the damn thing as it is.

I need to get a job. I know this. But I can't put Evan in daycare. Oh and there is the slight issue of the panic attacks I have when I have to deal with the public. I don't know what the hell to do. Maybe play the lottery? Haha. I posted a resume, and realized I am insanely under qualified for everything. I did get a call today from someone that saw my resume though (I posted it on the local newspaper's website). Its an alarm company. The job would be going door to door selling alarm systems to homesowners and businesses. Umm no thank you. If you are looking to buy an alarm system, you don't wait for someone to knock on your door. And I have the feeling that the job would be straight commission. Again I say, no thank you.

IM totalled her car. I am not sure if Austin was in the car, but I doubt it. (He would have to be WITH her for that) She hit someone. Fucking whore is always screwing up someone's life isn't she?

I am not sleeping again. For the past few nights, when I finally DO fall asleep, I have nightmares. God I hate this time of year. I HATE it. I have Evan now, and that truely DOES make it easier to deal with, but I still have issues with it all. I hate this life.

I was watching Extreme Makeover Home Edition tonite (why the HELL do I watch that show?) and they were talking about their son that passed away 3 days before Christmas last year. He was 22 years old. The mom had left his room exactly the way he left it. When she went to leave the house for their vacation she told the crew that THEY had to pack up his room because she couldn't do it. So they all went into the son's room, and were looking at his things, and then went on to read his diary. They all sat around, talking about him, and just by looking at his things, speculating what this kid must have been like when he was alive. I lost it. None of these people knew this kid, but yet they sat in his room and sobbed for him. And I got furious. I wasn't sobbing for HIM. I was sobbing for my son. My sweet Caleb that doesn't get that same response. No one tries to take the time to get to know him. No one cries for him. He didn't exist. He wasn't important. And I should be over it. At least he died before I got attached. It's not fair. It's not fair that we were robbed of EVERYTHING. We got memories of holding his little body in a hospital room, trying to keep him wrapped up so he wouldn't get cold. We got memories of silence. We got pictures of tears and sadness. And we are talked about like we are crazy for having pictures of a dead baby up in our house. I miss my baby boy. And I hate that my son isn't shown the respect he deserves. I hate that my son doesn't get ANY recognition, even from his own grandparents. I hate that my son isn't HERE.

You girls never fail. It amazes me the way you all come running to lend kind words and support. And all for someone you have never met. It blows my mind.

Julie, I am thinking of you, and words can't express how very very sorry your little Maybe is gone. It just isn't right. You don't deserve this pain. (sorry, I still haven't figured out the link thing either)

Dh and I had time to really talk. I think we are fine. After I got over the initial shock of the whole thing, I can kind of see why he didn't tell me about it right away. I asked him why he didn't kick her out right away, and he said that he didn't think that I would want that because of Austin. When I actually think of it, that makes sence. I put up with tons of shit from her and said myself that I was only doing it because of Austin. I told him over and over the reason I was so pissed about the whole thing is becuase he didnt stand up for me. I think he gets it now. I truely do.

I am NOT so forgiving of IM. I don't think there are words to express how I feel about her. I haven't seen her yet, but I would imagine I will in the next few days. Dh told her at work yesterday that he had told me what happened. She wants to come talk to me, and he told her that was not a good idea. She asked him how that would work with her living so close, and he told her it was easy, she doesn't knock on our door, and we dont knock on hers. The thing is, I have no desire to hear her bullshit excuses. I already know what she will say, the typical "I was drunk" crap, and I am not interested in it at all. Her shit is out of my apartment. Dh bagged it all up and took it to work. She tried to tell him her car was too full, and he said he didn't care, and threw it all in her car anyway. We are DONE with her.

Alot of you mentioned councelling. I would consider it, but the thing is, we have NO money. I have been trying to figure out how to get a job and still keep Evan out of daycare just so we can pay our bills. We could go through the Navy, but the thing is, if they find out about the kiss, he could be kicked out of the Navy for adultry, or get his pay docked or lose his rank. I really DO feel like we will be ok though. I feel like we ARE ok.

I had more to rant about, but I think that can wait for a later time. Don't want to bore anyone TOO badly.

I really don't know where to start, and don't even know if I should be telling everyone this, but I think I need to get it out. Dh came to me last night, and told me that back in September, IM kissed him. He immediately started making excuses for her (she was drunk, etc.) but the kiss isn't what pisses me off. I can deal with the kiss. If he had truely wanted to cheat, he could have easily slept with her, so obviously that wasn't his plan. I still trust him with all of my heart, and eventhough he says he would understand if I kicked him out, I don't really see it as that big of an issue. THIS is the problem I have with it, HE LET HER STAY HERE. I asked him last night why the hell didn't he kick her ass out? Why didn't he stick up for me instead of letting someone who had absolutely no respect for me or my marriage continue to walk all over me? I just don't get it. I hate her. If there was any doubt about it in my mind, now I know that I do truely hate the whore. (part of the reason she and her dh split up was because she slept with 17 people during a 6 month deployment, but he wasn't innocent either). Her shit is still all over my house. Her dress blue uniform is hanging in my bathroom. It's all I can do not to throw it away (or worse). She is lucky all of her stuff isn't out in the middle of the parking lot. I just still don't know what to think of it all. It totally took me by surprise. I just can't believe that he let her continue to take advantage of me without sticking up for me. I know that I can let the kiss go. I really can. It really doesn't bother me all that much, I just need to know that he will stand up for ME. I am his WIFE.

My mom just emailed me. There are 2 new babies in "Babyland" where Caleb is burried. She is assuming twins. She said the tent was still up from the funeral. What a great start to the holiday season. It breaks my heart. I have now lost count of all of the babies that have been burried out there since Caleb died. It's probably close to 10. It's just so wrong.

IM got her apartment. She was supposed to call one of the guys that they work with on the 31st to get him to help her start moving in, and surprise surprise, she didn't bother to call him until today. We had Evan outside playing earlier, and we saw a truck pull up with some furniture on the back so I asked dh if that was the guy they work with. It was. It was after 5, and they all have to be at work tomorrow at 6am. Once again, she shows how inconsiderate she really is. She had Austin in her car (I had no idea he was even in there, she just left him in the car and was helping put things in the apartment!) He is sick, has an ear infection and a sinus infection. And of course he is in his carseat wrong. (the straps were adjusted wrong). I told her the straps were wrong, and she says "well I can just turn his seat around since he's over 20lbs". Ummm no. He's not old enough yet. I don't know why I bother, she doesn't listen. She doesnt' care. I came back to our apartment, and I gathered up most of her shit. It's all in a nice neat pile, just waiting for the next time she comes by so I can take it to her place. It will be nice to have MY place back.

Someone asked about Halloween pictures. I will try to take my film to wal mart some time tomorrow and then post the pics on Evan's site. Hopefully I got some good ones.

Halloween

Well we made it through Halloween and it wasn't too bad at all. There were a couple of times when I thought I was about an inch away from sobbing, but I managed to pull myself out of it. I don't think dh even noticed. We went to a friend's house and trick or treated with her 10 month old dd and another friend with a 6 month old dd. It was nice to be around parents that take care of thier children. Evan had a blast. He wanted to walk the whole time, and when he would see a group of kids going up to a house, he would practically drag us to follow them. He wouldn't say Trick or Treat though (although he did say it once while we were walking AWAY from a house). We couldn't let him hold his pumpkin bucket because he was too busy taking things out of it as fast as people put things IN.

On the IM front, she was supposed to come sign her lease yesterday, and when she was here, she was supposed to get her son's costume. She came by on Friday to get HER costume, but left Austin's here. She had told dh that she was taking Austin out TOT'ing, and that she was going to come by at some point to get his costume. Well we had to leave here by 3 to get to our friend's house, and we hadn't heard from her at all. So I left his costume between the wood door and the storm door in the back so she could get to it. We sent her a text on her cell phone to tell her where to look. She couldn't figure out how to get back there, so dh called her and told her (go to the back of the apt, then open the gate, wow that's hard). When we got home that night, the costume was still there. And we haven't heard a thing from her. I just have no words to describe how I feel about her. How DARE she do this to her son? Yes he is young, and missing Halloween is no biggie, but it's the thought of her ALWAYS putting herself FIRST. And if her son is lucky, he comes second. I don't think she plans on getting the apartment here. She was supposed to have it on November 1st, but like I said, we haven't heard from her or seen her. I don't really care to either. He crap is still all over my house. Tomorrow I am throwing it all in a box. I might send it to work with dh. Maybe. I just hate that I will probably have to wonder if Austin is ok for the rest his life. That poor little boy.