Don't know how much more I can take

Dh is sick. Now Evan is too. Evan started off ok today, but all he wanted to do was lay on the couch and watch tv. He didn't even want his breakfast. Then around 11, he sneezed, and that started the runny nose. Poor little guy. He looks like he feels SO bad. Hopefully his nap will help him feel a little better.

I think I may have to step away from one of my message boards I post on. It's a group of mom's with March 2004 babies. I really like getting advise, and seeing what the other kids Evan's age are going through, but here is the problem. Most of them have just had, or are about to have their second babies. Now all of a sudden, the discussion seems to be how the toddlers are adjusting to the new siblings. It rips my heart out with each new post. I know alot of people think when they have their subsequent baby that that sub baby would not be here if they had not lost the first one. Alot of cases, that is the truth, but I still think that even if Caleb had lived, we would still have Evan. He was a post deployment baby. I have the feeling that we still would have gotten pg when dh came back from Iraq. Which brings me to one of the reasons this new group of babies is killing me. Each time I hear about the jealousy issues, or how much their toddler loves to help, etc. it reminds me YET AGAIN of how CHEATED we were. I didn't get to worry about how Caleb would deal with the new baby. I didn't get to see if he would hug and kiss on the new baby, or if he would throw himself on the floor in a tantrum when I was busy nursing Evan and he wanted my attention. I know, every second of every day that we were cheated. We missed out on SO MUCH, but now this message board REMINDS me of it on a daily basis, and I can't deal with that.

Then of course, there is the second reason I can't deal with it. These women all got pg within a few months of ttc. And here I sit, 8 months later, still not pg. I am not even PART of the way there. It's not that I am not happy for these women. I have become very close with some of them, and they have been awesome to me, and I am truely happy for them, but damn it, when is it MY turn? When will I ever get a chance to see those reactions between 2 children of MY OWN??

Thought I would update since I haven't in awhile. This weekend wasn't too bad. We went shopping yesterday to try to find Evan some new shoes and do some window shopping before our tax money gets here. We went to Old Navy because I need some jeans, and the place was crawling with pg women. Pg women trying on size XS maternity pants. I hate them. I am having a hard time with the fact that we still aren't pg. I knew it wouldn't always be so easy for us. We were always pg on the first try (for 3 times). The problem wasn't ever getting pg, it was staying pg, and having a living baby. So here we are on the 8th month of not using BCP and I am still not pg. I know it could be so much worse, but the truth is, it's bringing me down anyway. When we left the mall, there was a woman getting in a van, and she could barely move. On the side of the van it said "Welcome Konner" so obviously she had just had a baby. Most likely a c-section. Once she finally got into the van and they drove off, I could see on the back window "It's a boy x2!! 1-21-06" And you guessed it, I hate them too. I hate them for being so totally happy. I hate them because it all worked out for them. And I KNOW that I don't know their whole story. I know that it could have taken them years of infertility, or recurrent m/c or stillbirth to get those 2 boys, but they just SEEM so happy. Don't get me wrong, I was the happiest person on earth when Evan was born, but I will never get that complete happiness. I never GOT that complete happiness. My first baby died.
Dh gets annoyed with me because I am so bitter sometimes. I don't LIKE being bitter. I can't help the way I feel though. I would do anything in this world to have both of my boys IN my van. Instead I have a pg and infant loss awareness ribbon on the back of my van.

So. Fucking. Tired.

We have been fighting with the baby monitor since we moved into this place. To be honest, we rarely used it in our house because Evan slept with us. Now that we are in a townhouse is when we need to use it constantly. It has woken me up at least once a night since we moved here because of the interference from the neighbors. And last night we couldn't use it at all. Every time I turned it on, the range alarm went off non stop, no matter where I was in the house. Nice huh? So I ended up sleeping with the bedroom doors open, and that means the cat was free to come into my room. Which also means that I woke up countless times with a cat on my head purring. And don't forget the kneading of my head.

And our back door won't open. The dead bolt spins when you put the key in, and it won't unlock. I called the main office yesterday, and someone was supposed to come "after lunch". Ummm, nope. So that means if I want to take the trash/ poopy diapers outside, I would have to walk out, around the building to our trashcan. Not a big deal, unless it's 30 degrees outside, and you have a toddler to drag with you. (we have a fenced in patio area, with our own trashcan, just out of the back door) And why is it, when you can't take the diapers outside, Evan poops 4 times in ONE day?? Good thing we stockpile Wal Mart bags.

We went out to eat Sunday with dh's cousin, his new (pg) wife, and his parents (dh's aunt and uncle, visiting from Ohio). I love seeing dh's Aunt and Uncle, but I despise his cousin's wife. I keep hoping for the baby's sake that it's just that she's really young, and that she will grow up once the baby is here, but I don't see it happening. They had to get a room mate because they were behind on bills, but they are moving to a new place this week that cost $100 more a month, and the room mate isn't coming with them. Then, I mentioned something about getting Evan a new carseat, and they asked for his old seat!! Ummm NO. For one thing, hopefully we are not done having kids, and second, if I want you to have it, I will offer. I have this feeling that not too long after she has the kid she is going to take off anyway, and he will probably never see his kid again. That's just the kind of vibe I get from her. They are moving to Va Beach, so we wont have to see them too much. I'm fine with that.

Breastfeeding Nazi, meet Car seat Nazi (http://www.car-seat.org/index.php) I am sure you will get along just FINE.

We have started the search for Evan's next carseat. He's getting kind of tall for the one he has (although he won't ACTUALLY grow out of it for a couple of months), and since we will have tax money soon, we wanted to go ahead and get one NOW (you know, while we actually have the money).

I looked at the boosters, and then came across the Britax Regent. You can use a 5 point harness up to *80lbs*!! I liked that idea, since 5 point is safer, and most boosters only allow you to use the 5 point harness to 40lbs. Well, then I heard things about how the regent in huge and not really comfy for a smaller child because they can't really lean against the sides to nap, etc. So then I checked out the Cosco Apex, and honestly, I am just not so sure about the quality, and we have had a pretty bad Cosco experience in the past. But that seat at least allows a 5 point harness up to 65lbs.

So a friend recommended the car-seat.org site for me since alot of car seat tech's post there. Well here's how the thread turned out http://www.car-seat.org/showthread.php?t=4479

*Laura, if you happen to read this, I would LOVE some input here!! (since you are certified)

I am just so sick of how JUDGEMENTAL mothers can be. I didn't ASK if it was safer to have Evan rear facing or forward facing, I KNOW the answer to that, and I have MADE the descision that works the best for OUR family.

Bitches.

My online friends NEVER cease to amaze me. Today I got a little package in the mail from an online friend. In it were these little booties (of course with Caleb's name on them) and a little note saying she saw the display of booties at the end of the counter in a card store, and the first ones she touched were the ones with his name on them. She said she knew she had to get them and send them to me. Thank you so so so much Alicia for always thinking of him!!!

http://www.myforeverchild.com/store/WsDefault.asp?One=132

This is what I ordered for myself for Caleb's birthday. I will be sure to let you know how it turns out when I get it!!

You can add your baby's birthday to the calendar on this website too and get a $5 off/ free shipping coupon to use in your child's birthday month too.

We had an uneventful weekend here. Dh had to go back to work yesterday, so Evan and I just hung out in the house and watched football. It was way too cold and windy to take him outside to play. Friday was nice outside though. It was in the 60's so I took Evan to the park. When I pulled up, I instantly knew it was a mistake. There were lots of cars, and I could tell that the playground was pretty packed. When we walked up towards the playground, I could see how bad it REALLY was. Toddlers EVERYWHERE. And groups of mothers standing around, not watching their kids. And not to mention the *2* QUAD strollers. I don't know what it was about it all, but I felt so absolutely out of place. I don't know if it was because I was the ONLY mom there without another mom to talk to, or if it was because I was the ONLY one there with an "only" child. I had to stay though, because it wasn't fair to go to a playground and not let Evan play. He was a total monkey too. He climbed on EVERYTHING, which is pretty unusual. After awhile, he got really hyper and was running around completely out of control. I knew an accident was coming, but with all of the other kids, and the mom's not watching them (or getting out of the way so the kids could play) I couldn't keep up with him. He came around to one side and decided to climb up a chain ladder. I stood right beside him to help, but it didn't matter. His foot slipped, and he fell between the rungs, and hit his chin on the platform he was trying to climb onto. He bit the hell out of his lip, and was bleeding all over. I got him calmed down once we got to the van, and could tell that it really wasn't as bad as the blood made it seem. I took him home. The next day he had a huge bruise on his lip, and it was a little swollen, but otherwise ok. Poor little guy.

That was really the only big event of the weekend. I got a chance to work on Caleb's photo album some. Mom got me some scrapbooking stuff for Christmas, and I had new pics from his birthday to add. I am glad that I got to work on it some. It's a way to feel like I am doing something for him. I just hate that it's pics of a grave that I am adding.

A Word On TTC

So I have pretty much figured out that this month will be a bust too. I haven't gotten a coverline yet, but call it a hunch. The thing is, dh's work schedule is so hard to work around. It would be fine if we didn't have Evan, but with him, and the crazy schedule, it's hard to find "us" time. And then there is the fact that dh can be a total and complete ass. Actually, I think it goes back to his crazy schedule again. It makes it so that sleeping on a normal, human schedule just doesn't happen. So there are many, many nights where he will say "I'll be right up" and I wake up in the morning to him asleep on the couch. Grrrrrr. That has happened 2 times this week. Right on the best days. I can't say I blame him for staying up the one night. We had WEIRD storms in the area, and tornado warnings all over, so he was worried. So he stayed up and watched the weather until the storms were gone. Our bedrooms are upstairs, so I won't complain.

The thing is, I am ok with not really having much of a chance this cycle. I really DO want to be pg again, and I REALLY want another baby, but at the same time, I am happy with Evan. I know that our family does not feel complete, and I know I will NOT be ok with not being pg for too much longer, but for now I am ok. Not happy, but ok.

I think for the most part, I know, deep down, that I need to get MY shit straight before I get pg and have to deal with the terrifying rollercoaster THAT is. And getting my shit straight will take making a dr appointment. And then going to it. And the THOUGHT of that scares me out of my mind.

I talked to dh about my anxiety issues. His response? I know you have anxiety issues, and I know you are depressed. And then he asked me if I wanted him to make an appointment. I do. He's sopposed to make the appointment on his next off string (Thursday). I want him to go with me, but I am not totally sure that he will be able to. It will depend on if we can get someone to watch Evan. We don't have a babysitter, but I am thinking I will ask J.B. ( one of the women dh works with. I went shopping with her not too long ago, and she is also one of the people we went trick or treating with). I THINK I can leave him with her. I guess we will have to see how it turns out.

Wow I have been a slack blogger. For some reason, I just can't get back into things. Maybe it's that whole facing reality thing. Or maybe it's just the Sims addiction. Who knows. (Laura, the Sims 2 is so much more evil than the first one. And did you know they can actually get pregnant?? And on the first try??)

I added pics of Caleb's birthday to his website. There are 2 on the front page, and then a couple in his photogallery. I had a panic attack when I went to pick up the film. It's weird, I take pics of his grave every time I am in SC (is that weird??) and they seem to always be mixed in with my pics, and I never ever have a hard time picking them up. I was at Wal Mart and dropped the film off at 1 hour, and then did my grocery shopping. I left Evan with dh at home, and I shopped totally alone. I went to the garden center and found a couple of cute plant stakes to bring to Caleb when we go back to SC. Then I wandered through the Valentine's stuff to see if there was anything there I had to have for him, and while I was standing in that aisle, it hit me. Here I was, looking at all of this gimic lovey dovey crap, FOR MY DEAD SON. And then it went back to standing in that very same aisle, in 2003, right after he died, and right after dh was deployed, trying to figure out what DO you buy for a dead baby to show them you love them. And what do you ship to Iraq for your deployed dh. FUCK. I almost lost it right then and there. So I finished my shopping, and then went back to get the film. I walked over there, and instantly, it started. My heart was racing, I couldn't catch my breath. I was shaking (probably visably) and was SOO hot. It wasn't too busy back there though, and I guess no one noticed. I got the film, and got to the front so I could check out as soon as possible. Yep, I am the chick with the dead baby, and yep, we take pictures of his grave.

I have no idea why those pics are not showing up in that last post, but if you want to see them, they are on Caleb's site in his photo gallery. You may have to go to the 3rd b-day folder. Those aren't the best pics, they were taken with my phone. I haven't taken the film to get developed yet for the better quality pics.

I have been doing alot of self diagnosis lately. Remember that Zoloft commercial with the little ovals (eggs maybe??) in the social situation, and that one is off to the side, by himself? Yeah, you guessed it. That one is me. I remember seeing that commercial and thinking that sounded alot like me. When I was in highschool, I would not do class projects that might require me getting up in front of the class and explaining them. The THOUGHT of it was enough to make me panic. (even if the grade was a fourth of the year's grade, I still wouldn't do it, or I would find a way to bring it in late enough that the teacher would no longer allow me to do the oral part. I would get huge deductions on my grade just so I didn't have to stand up in front of the class.) I never thought it was anything more than what most other people that were shy felt. That's what I always said, that I was shy. The thing is, that before Caleb died though, I could still function. It wasn't so bad that it ruled my life. I don't know if it's because I focus on it more, or if it is actually worse now, but I think it is finally time to do something about it. Let's be honest here. I don't leave the house to go new places without my dh. If I have to go someplace new, I want to make sure I know where I am supposed to park, etc. beforehand. I am terrified I will do something wrong and people will notice, or I will get in trouble. I KNOW it's not rational, but it's there all the same. Now, here's the trick, going to a new Dr., in a new place, and being able to tell them all of this crap without totally freaking out. Fuck.

Sorry the picture quality is so bad, but the pics were taken with my phone. I would notice the balloon was totally still, so I would grab the camera to take a pic, and it would start moving. I would give up and put the camera down, and it would stop moving again. This has happened for all 3 birthdays.

And I don't know how weird this is, but I took a few pics of Evan at the cemetary too. He kept stealing Caleb's pinwheels and blowing them, and then he would take the paintbrush (we keep a paintbrush in the car to sweep off Caleb's stone) and brush off other baby's stones. I thought it was cute, so I took pics. Maybe I am weird, but I don't really care at this point.

Must. Stop. Playing. Sims 2. Seriously.

My brother let me play the Sims 2 on his computer when we were at mom's. I used to play the Sims for HOURS at a time, and then, well, I guess I got bored with it, and I stopped. Actually, now that I think of it, I used to play when I was pg with Caleb, and then when he died, being online and talking to people was more important. (dh was gone, so chat rooms, etc were all I had) But I digress.....

As soon as we got home last night from SC, dh went out to get milk. I asked him over and over what the big deal was, why we needed milk RIGHT THEN, and he wouldn't answer. His excuse was that Evan likes cereal (Evan does NOT drink milk, never has, and will only have it in his cereal.........sometimes.) So when dh came back from getting milk, he had the Sims 2 for me. And I am back to my mindless addiction.

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Guess I can tell you all about our trip. When we got to SC, mom made a nice Christmas dinner and invited my in laws, and all of the rest of my family. It's so much easier to let Evan see the in laws at my mom's house since mom's house is closer to being baby proofed (and not to mention sanitary, but we won't get into the condition of the in laws house.) And there is the fact that Evan gets to spend some time with them and I get to avoid them as much as possible.

Dh and I rung in the new year fighting. I was in bed by midnight, and we were pissed at each other. I really don't think I have EVER had a good new year's eve. Ever. I hate the new year now. It's just a day closer to Caleb's b-day, and that's all I can really manage to think about.

Evan was sick for 2 of the nights we were there, so not much sleep for me. I ended up being the one to stay up with him, etc. He had a fever and actually threw up for the first time (from being sick) ever.

The next night dh was throwing up.

And the next night it was me.

So I spent Wednesday on mom's couch, afraid to eat or drink, when I had originally planned on pre ordering balloons for Caleb. Like we weren't already emotionally drained, we had to be physically drained.

I'm still drained. And the van is still packed because the house is too trashed to fit most of Evan's new toys in here yet.

Is January over yet?? I think I will go back to my land of make believe..... Guess it's a good thing dh got the Sims.

We made it through the day. It really wasn't as hard as previous years, but it still sucks, and it still pisses me off that he isn't here. Mom and I went to the cemetary yesterday in the early afternoon to take down Caleb's tree and put up his birthday flowers. It was a beautiful day really. It was sunny and about 65 degrees out. It was nice to be able to take our time and get things just right (which was a true challenge with Evan "helping") without frozen fingers. Evan kept me busy and distracted enough that I really couldn't concentrate on my misery, which was good I guess.

We got a really cute birthday balloon (I will have pics later) and a set of Star Wars figurines to bring to his grave, and mom got him a little helicopter. We also got balloons to release and mom got balloons for my neice and nephews to realse for him too. Mom and I got the flowers set up at his grave (she practically cements them into the vase so they can't get blown out or damaged) and then we headed back to her house so we could load up the van for the drive back to VA. I picked dh up, and he and Evan and I went back to the cemetary to release our balloons. Evan did a great job. He released a balloon for "Bubba" (that's what dh calls Caleb) and he sat with me in the grass and watched it sail away. He told the balloons bye bye, and then he started saying "Bye Bubba" over and over. I just lost it. It's not right that Evan doesn't have his brother here. It's not right that Evan should ever have to release balloons for his brother in heaven. When we left the cemetary, Evan sat in the van saying Bye Bubba over and over and I fought tears for the first hour of our drive home. I hated that we had to leave directly from the cemetary. It felt like we were rushed in trying to remember Caleb's birthday. I wanted the whole day for him, but there wasn't much I could do about it.

So now we are home, and I have a million things to do, and absolutely no motivation to do any of it. I just feel empty, and worn out. God I hate January.

Happy 3rd Birthday to my beautiful boy. I love you and I think of you every day. I miss you.