First appointment

I had my appointment with the nurse this morning. I was absolutely terrified. Last night, I had the tiniest pink spot when I wiped. Just that once. No cramping or anything, just that damn spot. So by the time the appointment got here this morning, I was a nervous wreck.
When I got there, I had to meet with the financial manager in the practice before anything else. (I fucking hate military insurance more and more by the minute!) I had to sign a wavier saying that my insurance only allows for one ultrasound, unless more are medically necessary. Any others will be out of pocket. Do you honestly think that THAT is going to stop me from getting a chance to see the baby and see that everything is ok?? FUCK NO. I signed the wavier. Then she went on to give me my vitamin samples, and magazines, and all of that other crap (the whole time I am thinking of how we could easily be wasting our time on a baby that isn't even going to live, and thinking of that damn spot.) She asked me if I wanted to sign up with Enfamil, and I basically told her no way in hell. Getting off of their mailing list once is more than enough for me, thank you.
So then I went back to the nurse. I told her about the spotting, and she really didn't seem to think I should be worried (and I guess I actually SHOULDN'T be) but if it came back, to call them and let them know. She got my history, which is ALWAYS fun. One thing that really bugged me is that she seemed really thrown off by stillbirth. It was like she didn't have a clue how she needed to put it in the computer. She asked several questions more than once, and just really seemed scatterbrained about it. I can't imagine that I am the ONLY one. This practice deals with high risk pg, so why would she be so thrown off. She asked all of the details of Evan's birth (date, weight, even his name) and with Caleb, she just asked how many weeks I was. That was it. I have the feeling that later on, a dr will want to know the missing info on Caleb, but that's just weird that she didn't ask today.
She drew blood, and we went through all of the papers I had been given about pregnancy (all of the basic stuff). Then I was on my way. My next appointment is July 14th, when I get my first u/s.
I don't have a plan so far, but don't really expect to have one until I see a dr at my next visit. I was given a schedule today of when I will have my appointments, but it is just the regular pg schedule. I am not sure if I will get to have NST's this time, or extra appointments, but I guess I will find out soon.
I am still not 100% happy with this practice, but it's a hell of a lot better than the alternative. I don't think it's possible to find another dr I loved as much as the one I had in SC. Now if we can just get to Febuary.......

A sigh of relief

I was thinking of the dr situation last night while dh was work and I remembered something he told me. A guy that he works with just recently had a baby. His wife got to go to a civilian dr, but they had to switch their insurance plan to do it. Basically, the insurance we have now, you have to go where they tell you, but EVERYTHING is free. No copays for anything at all. It's great, until you need specialized care. The other plan, lets you go where you want, but it means co-pays, and if I am remembering right, 20% out of pocket, except for pregnancy. It pays for pg 100%. I just wasn't sure what would happen with Evan's healthcare if we switched.
So when dh got home this morning from work, I mentioned switching to him. He sounded like he was really behind it, and called the insurance company immediately. He started off asking if there was a way we could get a referral without going to the appointment at Langley first. Well, when they checked the computer, there was a referral already there! She said they had just sent a letter to us (haven't gotten it yet obviously) telling us about the referral. So she gave us a referral number so I could call and make an appointment. It's the same office I went to for my annual. It's where I would have chosen to go.
So I called the office this morning, and made my appointment. I go in for the nurses appointment FRIDAY. And my first ultrasound is July 14th.
Of course, now I get to freak out about whether or not there will actually be anything to SEE on that u/s or not. But at least the dr situation is straightened out. That's a HUGE weight off of my shoulders!

Well, I managed to make an appointment at the ob clinic. July 19th. Another fucking MONTH. Of course that will put me at 9 weeks, so I guess it's not all that bad, but at the same time, it feels like a lifetime away. It's the "orientation" appointment. The receptionist told me to expect to be there at least 3 hours. WTF can we possibly need to be there for *3 hours* for? He said that they would do bloodwork while we were there, but that was really all he said. Of course I figured out the days, and dh is working on the 19th. The next available appointment when dh is off is the following week. I just can't wait ANOTHER week. There is just no way. So Angel has offered to watch Evan at her house while I am at the appointment. I told her she had no clue what she is asking for. He has never been left with a babysitter. Never. Add that to the fact that the appointment is at nap time, and she may have a huge problem on her hands.

----------------

My in-laws were supposed to be coming to spend some time with us this week. My dh said they wanted us to reserve them a hotel room (our apartment is small, so it's more comfortable for them. Works for me since last time they stayed here, mil kept bumping my thermostat on the a/c back to *70*........and WE had to pay for it.) Well the other night, after I went to be, he jumped online and reserved a room. I had no idea he was going to do it. He told me about it the next day, and also told me he put it on our debit card. Then he tells me what hotel it was. He didn't know where the hotel was, but reserved it anyway. It was NOT in a place where you would WANT to stay. So he tried to cancel the room. And they tried to charge our account the full price of the room + $25 + taxes. I was furious. There is no way we can afford an extra $100+ from our bank account. So we just left it alone, and figured if his parents got there, and didn't like the room, they could cancel it themselves. This morning, his mom called. They aren't coming. The reservation has to be cancelled. She is sending us the money, but OMG I am furious about the whole thing.

------------

The glass people were here earlier to fix the crack in the windsheild on the van. The crack spread when he tried to fix it. The whole windsheild now needs to be replaced before I can get the inspection done on the van. When I called the insurance company back to tell her to change the claim, she actually said to me "I have never heard of that happening." I asked what she meant, and she said she had never heard of the crack getting worse when they tried to fix it. She knew it COULD happen, just hadn't ever heard from someone that had it happen to them. Glad to be the first.

Can I panic NOW?

I managed to find this site about the AFB's ob clinic, and I am sick to my stomach. I really can't tell you how strongly I feel about NOT going there.

"Orientation class:Enrollment class is held by appointment. You will be told where and at what time the class will be held. At this class you will start your prenatal records, receive prenatal vitamins, and your Tuberculosis test request form. You will receive information on nutrition, emotional and physical changes related to pregnancy and infant care. The class will last at least 3 hours. "

This has to be before my first appointment. Before I ever even get seen by a dr. *3 hours*??? WTF???

It also says something about most appointments being about 15 minutes long. So basically it sounds like you are rushed.

And THIS is the one that REALLY worries me.

"***Please leave your suitcase in your car until after delivery- there is very limited space in the labor area "

Of course this is all assuming that I actually HAVE this baby, but still, the thought of all of this makes me sick to my stomache. How the hell do I get out of THIS one?

Dh is working over night tonight. Happy Father's day, right? He spent most of the day sleeping so he can stay up all night, and when he got up, Evan was taking his nap.

I took Evan to the park this morning to meet my friend Angel and her dd. We decided to go early before it got too hot, or crowded, and walk the one mile track, then let the kids play. It was so nice to be out of the house. And I am sure Evan agreed. (of course someone has been to the park with cans of spraypaint and painted on almost every peice of equipment there is, including a HUGE "I fuck livestock" on the beautiful brick walkway. Thank God Evan can't read yet.) Angel is also a military wife, and her dh is stationed at the Air Force base I am supposed to go to for ob appointments. I got to find out a few things about it, and I am not so sure I like what I have learned. First off, she said that every time she went, they had always lost her records, so she told me to keep copies of everything. Great. Just what I want. I get to explain about having a m/c and about Caleb at EVERY appointment. She also told me that I will deliver at the AFB if I stay with that ob clinic. The issue with THAT is, if they are full, you have to go somewhere else. And they are apparently, usually full. Not to mention, they are at least 30 minutes away.

I really don't know what to think. I had an ob in SC who was in a practice ALONE. I knew all five of the people (including her) that worked in her office, and they all knew me (and what happened to Caleb). I just don't think I can handle seeing a different person every time I go to a dr. How will I ever trust the care I am getting from any of them, when it really doesnt seem like a priority? I call tomorrow to try to get an appointment (again) and I guess we go from there, but I just really can't stand all of this uncertainty. Hopefully I will know more tomorrow.

On a Positive Note.......Or Maybe Not

I am trying my hardest NOT to freak out at this point. Really, I AM trying. It just doesn't seem to be working. My boobs have been really, extremely sore for the last week at least, and now today, they aren't. There is a LITTLE soreness, but nothing at all like it was. I am so scared that this pg is going to be over before I even know it. I am supposed to call Monday to get my first ob appointment set up. God I hope they can get me in soon. God, please let us keep this baby.

------------

Dh took my van to get inspected this morning. We didn't have inspections in SC, so honestly, neither one of us really know what will cause a vehicle to pass or fail. Both of our vehicles are relatively new (his is a 2004 and mine a 2005) but the issue is, when I went to SC last time, a rock hit my windsheild and cracked it. My brother told me that it most likely wouldn't pass an inspection, and he was right. Dh just took it, and they said they couldn't pass it. So we called the insurance company, and guess what? In the state of VA, insurance does not cover auto glass. (in SC it's covered with no deductable) IF they can repair the crack, it will be $45. If NOT, $230. Peachy. Luckily, the in laws are coming up next week.

Let the Paranoia Begin

Thank you all so much for the congratulations, and the kind words. You are all so sweet!! I decided to go ahead with the antibiotics (Macrobid) since several people told me their ob's gave them the same thing. The idea of an untreated infection was worse than the antibiotics. I think the thing was, the primary care dr was scared of my history, and since she isn't an ob, she was scared to tell me to do anything, either way.

I called the AFB's ob clinic yesterday. Of course, they have no appointments open on their calendar, but they get the new calendar for the month on June 19th, so I am supposed to call back then. I told the receptionist that I am high risk, and he gave me the nurse's line number just in case. At least I have SOMETHING.

I hate knowing I am pg this early. I am not even *4* weeks already, so that is that much more time to worry. I feel so ridiculous saying I am pg, and af isn't even late yet. I know it's early for symptoms, but I swear I am exhausted (but I have a 2 year old, so that could very easily be why) and my boobs are INSANELY sore. I can only hope that that's a good sign, but this just really doesn't seem real. Part of me wants to run to the bathroom and POAS, and part of me is terrified to, for fear of seeing a BFN. I keep thinking that maybe, just maybe, that wasn't really MY positive test. Maybe they mixed it up. (I know that's not the case. What are the chances of them mixing up lab results AND urinalysis?) This is all just so freaking unreal.

Shocking Discoveries at the Army Hospital

First off, just wanted to say that Dan and Brandy's little boy arrived safely 6/6/06 (HAHAHAHA!) around 11pm via c-section. We went to see them tonite, and he is absolutely gorgeous. We walked into the room, and Dan immediately handed him to me, and it would have been a really hard thing to do, if the baby hadn't immediately started pooping. Gee, I know what you think of ME, don't I??

--------------------------

So this morning I called the insurance company to change my primary care dr, and to see if I could get an appointment for the UTI. They managed to get me in at 10:40, but dh was gone so I had to take Evan with me. So I went and they did the urine culture and then saw the dr. She gave me a rx, and told me I could wait for the urine culture or go ahead and go get the rx and go home. Since I had Evan with me, I went home. I got home and took a dose of the antibiotic, and then the med for pain. Then a couple of hours later, dh's cheif called from work and said they had tried to get in touch with him to get me to call them back about my meds. Well I didn't think much of it since there are different types of UTI, and some require different meds. I called them back, and the dr gets on the phone and tells me they decided to do a pg test and it was +. I was totally shocked. I am like 9 dpo (i think) so I wouldn't have even thought it was possible for them to get a + urine test! (I was 10dpo and got a negative test in the office with Evan)So she had me come back in and get labs done, and then get a rx for prenatals. She referred me to the AFB's ob clinic, and she thinks that they will probably send me somewhere else because I am high risk. (woohooo she said I was high risk!). She made a note that I need a consult asap since I have a UTI. She gave me a new rx for a new antibiotic, but didn't really sound like she wanted me to take it. I got the rx filled, but I am not sure I am going to take it just yet. I am supposed to call the insurance company tomorrow to try to get the appointment at the AFB.

So I am completely in shock. I went from debating on going for a fertility workup, to being pg in a matter of 3 days. I am totally freaked out, and of course taking those meds has me scared out of my mind. I can't believe this is real.

Thinking of Ruby

I am thinking of a friend today, as she faces the second birthday of her son Emmanuel, who was born still the day before her scheduled c-section. I am sending lots of hugs to you, Ruby, and your sweet boy. (((hugs)))

Taken Advantage of Again

Well, sort of.

Last night we went to meet a friend and her 15 month old dd for dinner (her dh is on a ship and isn't home). We went to Outback. We got there kind of late, so just as we got to the table and sat down, my cell rang. I looked at the phone and saw that it was dh's cousin, Dan. We haven't heard from them since the first week in April. His wife's baby was due last Thursday. Honestly, I thought they had the baby and didn't bother to call us. So, I handed the phone to dh. After a minute of talking, he asked my friend and I if it was ok if Dan and his wife joined us. Peachy. They moved about 45 minutes away when she was a couple of months pg, but kept her same dr, etc. and they are supposed to deliver at the hospital near us. They had gone to the hospital because she was having contractions about 3-5 minutes apart. They were monitored, but not admitted because they said she was only 1cm, and they wanted her to go walk. So they came to Outback with us to eat.

This is the thing. This is the point in labor where Caleb DIED. Because I was sitting at home, waiting for the contractions to get too bad to tolerate (since I knew they would send me away from the hospital if I wasn't far enough into labor). He died, and if I had been on monitors, they would have been able to see his heart decel. They could have possibly gotten him out.

So here is Dan's wife, in labor, and not on monitors. And now I am forced to be around here. FUCK. After dinner, dh, J (our friend), Dan and his wife, all decide to go to the mall. J and I wanted to go to Bath and Body Works ($3 shower gel!!! wooohooooo!!!) and Dan's wife needed to walk anyway. As soon as we got to the mall, J and I went our seperate way. Dh stayed with his cousin. And J and I talked lots of shit. I told her how much I appreciated her knowing I needed to be mean. I needed to talk about how stupid Brandy is (Dan's wife). And I needed someone who would join right in with (and J was more than willing!!). Brandy told everyone she saw that she was "Already 1cm dialated!!" and J and I rolled her eyes. At one point, I told her I was 1 cm for 2 weeks with Evan. Her response? "You mean you felt like this for *2weeks*?? We hung out at the mall until about 8, when we went home to put Evan to bed. Dan and Brandy came with us. They basically ended up staying here last night. Brandy said over and over that she didn't want to have her baby on 6/6/06, and we gave her hell about it. Dh said to name him Damien, and we told her she was having the spawn of satan. I know, we are terrible. I was just so pissed off at being thrown into the whole situation.

This morning, when dh and I got up, they had left. We called them to see what was going on around 10:30 this morning. She was at 1.5 cm, and on pitocin. They are supposed to call us and keep us updated. I guess next we will be expected to go see the baby after it's born. Great.

Back

I just wanted to pop in and tell you all I am back. I know some of you have looked for me. Gonna try to post, but not sure how cooperative Evan will be.

We had a pretty good trip to SC. We spent basically a long weekend there and Evan had a great time. He got to jump on the trampoline for the first time. I think he laughed the whole time he was up there. He finally started saying grandma and grandpa, so it made leaving really hard. We got started late when we went to leave (because of trying to take apart a toddler bed and thinking it would be an easy thing to do.....HA!) so of course I was rushed by the time we got to go see Caleb. I brought him his windchimes, and cleaned his stuff off some (it had rained hard the night before so everything was pretty dirty). I spent most of the time keeping Evan from taking things from the other babies graves.

I had my dr appointment yesterday. I managed to end up with a UTI while I was in SC, but I figured it was no big deal since I had an appointment on monday anyway. I thought I would just mention it while I was there, and the dr could give me antibiotics, and it would be no big deal. Well, that was not the case. I mentioned it, and the nurse told me that with my insurance, I would not be able to be treated for an infection since that was not why I was there. I had to go to my family dr for that, or have a referral. WTF??? I have never heard such bullshit. I was pissed. They would not even confirm if I *had* a UTI either. I was there for an annual, so that was all I could get. While the nurse was getting my history, she was asking that dreaded question about pregnancies. (by the way, this office deals with fertility, AND high risk pg) I told her that I had had a miscarriage, and a stillbirth. She asked me if I had had any other pregnancies "besides my 2 miscarriages". I wanted to slap her. I said to her that I had had a miscarriage AND A FULL TERM STILLBIRTH. She kind of looked shocked, and then changed whatever she had put in the computer. Stupid bitch. The dr was a nice enough guy (I was anxious as hell about him being a guy to start with). I actually felt pretty comfortable with him. I managed to get him to talk to me quite a bit about fertility (even without a referral). I told him that we had been ttc for a year and I told him that we had always gotten pg very very easily. I told him that I had been charting, and using OPK's and it does look like my cycles are very regular and I am ovulating. He made it sound like he thinks we should continue doing what we are doing for a little while longer, unless we really want to get things going NOW. He said if we wanted to get a referral, then we could start the fertility work up because we do fit the definition of infertile. He told me what the work up would involve, and everything we would expect. I am not sure I am ready to go to that extent just yet though. I want another baby, and I want it NOW, but I am not sure I am ready to turn it into a clinical thing yet. At least I got an idea of where to go from here, and that is a start.

Gonna have to post more later, especailly about my night last night, but wanted at least say that I am still alive.